Fade Into Black Sirius Black OC
by anaemicc
Summary: 'ℒove with hate, & plesure with pain' -ℳaurice Scève. Alissa Fione, the cynical bore of her class. Deleterious logical, and haunted by her mediocre existence. But her seventh year in Hogwarts ends up challenging her in ways she couldn't foresee. Because who can stay logical when mad lust is at stake? [adult content] [wolfstar friendly]
1. Bloody Bastards

**Chapter one.**

I wasn't sure how I felt about being back in the cold dungeons that professor Slughorn so happily called his classroom. The air was stale downhere, making it harder to breath through your nose. I had always felt a bit uneasy down here. Maybe it had to do with the fact that potions wasn't exactly my favorite subject, and it had in my six years at Hogwarts never been. I let go of the pile of books I had been holding in my arms and dropped them on the table in front of me with a rather loud thud.

"Easy there Alissa, Slughorn already knows what you think of this period. Don't confirm his suspicions even more."

Lara frowned at me with a crooked smile on her dark lips. I rolled my eyes at her and sat down. I doubted that the seventh year in potions class would be any different from the years before, but Lara was right, it was stupid of me to show off my dislike before the first class of the semester had even started. So I decided to smile my way through the whole period, I was a Ravenclaw after all, wasn't learning supposed to be my biggest aspiration? Even if it meant to learn how to make wit-sharpening potion. As if I needed a potion to think more clearly.

"Welcome back students. I hope your summer holiday was pleasant and that you're all more eager than ever to learn more about the art of potion making."

"As if." I whispered in Lara's ear and she softly kicked my shin in response. I knew that meant something along the lines of 'shut up'.

Slughorn continued his speech as I slowly drifted off in my own thoughts. This summer had rushed by way too fast. Maybe it had to do with the fact that we were no longer children, but everything had flashed by in a heartbeat, and now we were back at school for the last time. I would be lying if I said that thought didn't scare me a bit. I looked to my side at Lara, her hair was longer than before the summer and the circles under her eyes were definitely darker than they were the last time I had seen her. We were all starting to grow up, and it was noticeable all around the classroom.

I let my gaze wander to the right of the room, to where Gryffindor's own pride with a capital P sat. To my surprise, she wasn't sitting too far away from the stud that was always following her around. Had the summer warmth melted even Lily Evans heart? Because if there was anything different I had noticed, the minute we got on the Hogwarts express yesterday morning, it was the cloud of hormones and sexual desire that surrounded almost every student over the age of fifteen. I couldn't blame them, I was indeed one of them.

While I was on the subject of sexual desire and hormones, I laid eyes on the, in my opinion, way too famous heartthrob club of the school, the marauders. To my surprise, they sat down silent next to each other, with their uniforms and ties neatly fixed. That surely didn't happen often. Even us Ravenclaws knew that. What amused me the most was how extremely uncomfortable James Potter's sidekick Mr. Black looked in that properly tied tie. He sat down leaning against the wall beside him with a rather pettish expression on his face. Oh, it must have been torture for him, to appear in class with proper clothing for once.

Even the gang of Slytherins seemed to have changed over the summer. They had gotten even more creepy and, if possible, more sinister. My eyes fell on the light blond girl sitting next to evil looking Emma Vanity, and let out a heavy sigh. That group was nothing but pure trouble, or should I say evil. It didn't really matter, did it? As long as they were still bound to their education at Hogwarts. It freaked me out a little, though, what would happen to them all after this school year ended. Deep down I already knew, but I secretly wished it would turn out differently. I quickly looked away, I wouldn't like being caught staring at them.

Slughorn was still going on and on about the holidays and what we were to expect of this year's potions classes. I was not amused.

"Hey, Alissa." Lara stomped me in the side, "Get up."

I looked at her in confusion. What had I missed?

"What? Why?" She rolled her eyes at me.

"Such a Ravenclaw you are, I'm tempted to visit Dumbledore to have a chat with that sorting hat of his. Something must have gone awfully wrong when it sorted you."

"Oh, shut it you." I got up from the extremely uncomfortable stool. "What do you want me to get?"

"Roots of ginger and some armadillo bile."

"Got it."

I rushed to the front of the classroom where Slughorn had laid out all the ingredients we would need to brew today's potion. I was scanning the table for ginger roots and armadillo bile when I was forthright interrupted by a firm hand on my shoulder. I turned to face the interrupter and was, to my surprise, staring into two intense grey colored eyes.

"Yes, Black?" I frowned. Sirius Black and myself didn't have much experience talking to one another, and we were definitely not on first name basis. He still had his hand on my shoulder when he started talking in a low tone of voice.

"Oh hello, Fione. Good summer break I assume?" he smiled quickly. "I was just wondering…"

 _Just spill, I had a potion to prepare._

"Go on?" I raised an eyebrow. I could feel Lara's eyes burning holes into my back.

"Doesn't your friend Beth take this class?"

Of course this was about Beth. I felt tempted to laugh him straight in that handsome face of his, but I didn't.

 _Did I just call him handsome? Darn it, I had no intention in doing that._

"I will have to disappoint you, she's not taking potions this semester."

He frowned and bit his lower lip.

 _Come on Alissa, don't look at that,_ I scolded myself. _He enjoys it way too much._ And that he did, the months away from school had done him good, and there was no doubt that he knew about it.

"Can you take a massage then?" He looked at me with big puppy eyes. I fought the urge to roll my eyes at him. I knew Beth would explode if I told her what had just happened, but I wasn't sure I wanted her to know. You see, Sirius Black wasn't famous as the heartthrob of the school for nothing. He was especially known for his inability to stick to one love subject at a time. If it was possible I would like to spare her the trouble.

"If you want to talk to Beth, just do it yourself." I turned around before mumbling "Like the Gryffindor you are" under my breath.

"What was that, Fione? A gibe? I'll be damned. I'll take that as a challenge." he said before grabbing hold of a ginger root laying on the table. His quick movement made the scent of his cologne hit me straight in the face. It smelled like forest dew, the morning after a big downpour, mixed with a bonfire. Or, was it even his cologne? I shook the smell of. I was not one of those girls with a weak spot for handsome men who smelled like heaven, I just wasn't.

"You go ahead and do that." I said and turned around to get back to my seat next to Lara, who looked my way with wide eyes. I was eager to get away from Black as fast as possible and didn't even notice the person standing in my way. I crashed into her, full speed and we both dropped the ingredients we were holding right to the floor.

"Holy Merlin, I'm so sorry." I got down to start picking up the ingredients we had spread around us, without even looking at the poor girl I had just attacked.

"Don't bother talking to me, scum. Or helping me for that matter." she hissed.

I looked up on the girl in front of me and I found myself staring into the eyes that were identical to mine. Apart from a red scar that crossed her left eye and split her black eyebrow in two. I swallowed and quickly gathered my ingredients before standing up straight again.

"Always a pleasure, sis."

"Don't sweat it." she said with pursed lips before giving my shoulder a hard shove as she squeezed past me to get to her seat next to Emma Vanity, the Slytherin head girl.

 _Bloody bastards._


	2. Cynical bore

**Chapter two.**

I found myself muttering under my breath to some second years who blocked my way while chasing an escaped chocolate frog trough the corridor. Potions class had lowered my blood sugar and I was dying to grab some lunch before the next period. I was actually looking forward to my next period; divination, that happened to be one of my best subjects. Who would have known future telling was something a ravenclaw student would be good at? Either way, I was outstanding in that subject. It was sometimes hard to tell if my dreams actually were trying to tell me something about the upcoming future, though.

The minute I stepped inside the Great Hall I was attacked by an energetic Beth Oddpick, who jumped up and down in front of me as I tried to walk to our table. Her light brown hair tickled me in the face when she jumped closer to me. I knew there was only one possible reason for her behavior, and I thought bitterly to myself, I will kill you Lara Killick.

"Alissa! You have to tell me everything!" she emphasizing 'everything'. I laid my hands on her shoulders and gently pushed her aside.

"Beth, I'm not telling you a thing before I've put something in this starving tummy of mine."

She pouted and followed me like a lost dog. I gave Lara a mean look before I sat down in front of her, she just rolled her eyes. She thought this was funny now, but wait a few weeks and then we'll see who's laughing. I grabbed a slice of toast and buttered it before anyone could say the word apparition and then I filled my cup with cold water.

"On a diet?" Lara raised an eyebrow at my choice of food.

"You know, we are supposed to drink between 6 to 8 glasses of water per day." I said as I swallowed a big gulp of said liquid.

"How on earth do you know that?"

"Muggle studies." I grinned.

"I still can't believe you took that class." Lara shook her head and took a big bite of the chicken wing she was holding in her hand.

"It was fun, interesting."

Before we could talk any further on the subject we were interrupted by Beth's shrill voice.

"Before you two say anything else, I need you to tell me exactly what happened in today's potions class." she looked me straight in the eye with an intense stare. I took a bite of my toast before answering her. I did not like this, not at all. Beth had been obsessed with that boy since, forever, and I knew he would only bring trouble over her. Which I had told Lara in class, but of course she hadn't listened to my brilliant advice. That pillock I called my best friend.

"Alissa Fione, you tell me now!"

"Whoa, what have I missed?" a voice said behind us and a smile crossed my lips. I turned around and pulled the man whom the voice belonged to down, so that he sat next to me. He smiled and placed a gentle kiss on my forehead. "Hello, darling."

"Hi Casper." I smiled and quickly laid my head down on his shoulder. I hadn't talked to him since dinner yesterday evening and I found myself feeling happy when I sat there with my head on his shoulder. Casper and I had been dating since May last semester. I had never been the person to keep a relationship going, but with Casper I felt more confident in my own feelings. Maybe this was going to end well after all. I had spent the whole summer talking Lara's ears of about whether I should keep seeing Casper or not, her conclusion was that I needed to stop the overthinking and just go with it. She had also stated that I was in a huge need of satisfaction, in the mature way, and that it would've been foolish of me to end things with Casper just before the semester started. So I listened to her advice and now we were here, his arms around my waist and his hand gently squeezing the side of my thigh. Maybe Lara's advice wasn't so bad after all, I did enjoy the feeling of another human touching me in a way that wasn't _just friendly._

"Casper, I believe Beth is about to kill you if you don't let Alissa finish the story she never started." Lara laughed from her seat across from us. Beth nodded and frowned at me and Casper.

"That was not my intention. Darling, please continue telling Beth the story she wants to hear."

"Fine, I'll tell you Beth, but promise me you will not get all fangirly on our asses, okay?"

She rolled her eyes but nodded. Then I told her from start to finish about the short conversation I had with Sirius Black during potions class, but I left out the part about how the smell of his skin had knocked me in the face, and the fact that my mind had unintentionally called him handsome. She went straight to fangirling, even though I asked her not to. In her defence, though, it was what had I expected anyway.

"What could he possibly have wanted?"

"I don't know, Beth. You'll have to wait and see."

She literally jumped out of her seat in excitement and for a second I questioned why I was even friends with her, but I took it back just as fast. Beth was a good and loyal friend, she could never compete against Lara, but I thought the secretly knew that. She had always kept herself around us and during the years we got so used to having her around that we didn't give it a further thought. She was a part of our little group and it wouldn't be the same without her. But that didn't mean I wasn't a tiny bit embarrassed by the fangirl session she was now putting us through.

"What if he asks me out?" she asked with panic in her voice, and before I knew it she had grabbed me by the shoulders and was shaking me back and forth between her and Casper, who laughed of amusement. Why was everybody but me so amused by this situation? "Alissa, what if freaking Sirius Black, asks me out?"

"When he does, If he does," I corrected quickly. "I'll will not take the responsibility for whatever happens." I raised my hand in defence.

"Stop being such a cynical bore, Alissa. Beth is in need of a man's touch, just like you." Lara had just finished eating her plate of chicken and was taking a large gulp of her apple juice.

"That is not the problem here, though, Is it?" I stated. "He is." I nodded my head towards the entrance exactly when the four boys entered, Sirius Black up front. He stopped for a second to scan the room and then went to sit down in their usual seats. No one messed with the Marauders seats, that was a fact. Beth's cheeks immediately turned a pinker shade than before when she looked his way. Merlin's beard, we were all in trouble.


	3. Involved

**Chapter three.**

The atmosphere in the common room was filled with delight, and I felt it when I looked out the window down to the lake. The sun was taking it last glimpse at it's surroundings and in about a minute it would descend behind the mountains. The orange light of the sunset reflected in the bronze coloured drape that surrounded the large window and created a warm, almost orange light. I looked back to the book I was currently reading and rolled my eyes at the author's complete nonsense.

 _"Even in human form the werewolves are not to be trusted, these humans are people without any moral sense."_ That was just pure flubdub if you asked me. But I had until friday's period of the N.E.W.T Defence against the dark arts to complete the whole book. There would be a lot of reading this two remaining semesters, the finals were already ringing in my head like an echo.

A loud noise from the common room entrance pulled me out of my stressing thoughts and immediately caught my attention. First, there was a loud clunk followed by a high pitched voice yelling my name.

"Alissa! Where are you?" I felt the gaze of several eyes as the students in the common room looked my way. Don't interrupt a ravenclaw who's studying, I warn you, just don't do it. I jumped down from my seat at the window and hushed at Beth as I approached her. Her eyes were glowing out of excitement and I didn't have to ask her what had happened, the black haired gryffindor stud had finally asked her out, that much I figured.

"Don't poke the sleeping dragon, Beth." I muttered but she just waved the comment off. Her love life seemed to be way more important right now, than the full and silent common room.

"Can you guess what just happened?" she grabbed my arm and pulled me through our dorm room door. Once inside she let out a high cry of happines. "You won't believe it."

I closed the door after her and went to sit on my neatly made bed, at the same time Beth jumped up on hers with a dramatic sigh. She threw herself back on her messy sheets and stared at the blue ceiling before she started talking again.

"I had just finished my meal, when… Where were you during dinner by the way?" she looked up from her laying position.

"I wasn't hungry." she frowned at me, but decided to let the subject go for now.

"Either way, I was just about to get up from my seat when he approached. The awfully handsome man he his."

Well,... I couldn't argue that.

"I believed I was about to choke on my own tongue, that's how nervous I was." she put her hands on her face by the memory of the awkward, but wonderful moment.

"Did you?" I asked with a teasing smirk on my lips.

"Well, of course not, stupid." I laughed and she eyed me with irritation in her light green eyes. "Do you want to hear this or not? I can go find Lara instead." she said with played bitterness.

"Okay, I'm sorry. Of course I want to hear about this glorious moment."

"Thank you. So, I was just about to get up, when he sat down _right next to me,_ right next to me. I could smell his cologne, for Merlin's sake." she gasped for air. "And then he leaned in even closer, so that he could whisper in my ear." she looked up at me to make sure I was listening carefully.

"I'm listening! Just tell me what he said all ready." I needed to get back to my book.

"Then he said _I would love for you to come to Hogsmeade with me this weekend. Pass your answer to your friend Fione, she can tell me in potions tomorrow._ and then he got up and left together with the rest of the Marauders."

Bloody hell, why did he get me involved in this trying-to-get-into-Beth's-skirt stuff? I didn't want to be involved at all. This was just typical Marauders behavior, they simply thought they owned this whole bloody school. Beth sat up and looked at me with raised eyebrows.

"Why aren't you talking, Alissa? You offend my inner fan girl."

"I'm so sorry, Beth, I got caught up in thoughts."

"So, will you do it?" she asked happily. Her voice almost cracking from all the excitement.

"Do what?"

"Tell him I said yes, in tomorrow's potions class."

I figured there was no way for me to get out of this without hurting Beth's feelings. I believed that this dating Sirius Black thing would soon be crashing down on her, but I didn't have the heart to tell her what I really thought. Mostly because of how happy she was, but also because of the fact that I was known as the boring one of our group, and it had always annoyed me. So I decided this was not the right time to talk sense into Beth about Sirius, heartthrob, Black. Instead I agreed to tell him her answer the next day.

"Hogsmeade, huh?" I winked and poked her teasingly in the side. She blushed.

"Yes. It's gonna be perfect."

"You're such a fangirl over that boy."

"Hey, be nice." she said and threw a pillow my way. I laughed and ducked for the pillow that flew over my head and landed on the floor behind my bed. "Speaking of boys, how are you and Casper doing?"

"It's perfectly fine, thanks for asking." I stuck out my tongue at her.

"No, but really, are you two together for real or what?"

"We haven't really had the time to talk about it."

"But do you want to be in a relationship?" she asked suspiciously.

"To be perfectly honest, all I want right now is someone to share my bed with." I winked and Beth let out a howling sound. "But of course I like spending time with him while we're still dressed…"

"Lara told me you had been having second thoughts during the summer."

"She did?" Beth nodded. I wondered if that was a hint of some sort. "Well, I was having second thoughts about my whole existence during summer, to be fair."

"Give me an example." she sat straight up and crossed her legs.

"For starters I was certain that my family, isn't my real family. Especially that deatheater sister of mine."

"Hey, don't call her that. She is evil, and yes she burns kittens for fun, but calling her a deatheater feels a bit, harsh."

I shrugged my shoulders. My sister was indeed evil, and this summer she had been acting stranger and stranger. She would sneak out early in the morning and didn't come back before sundown, she didn't talk to anyone unless she was spoken to directly and she had gotten an awful lot paler. We hadn't exchanged a word to each other during the whole summer, that's not something completely new, but I could tell something was changing about her. I wouldn't be surprised if she one day walked out from our family home, never to come back.

"Whatever." I muttered, my mood had changed just by the mention of my sister.

"Hey Alissa,"

"Yes Beth?"

She hesitated before continuing.

"You now that you can talk to me. About anything. Right?"

"Yes, Beth. I know." she smiled at me.

"Good."

I couldn't help but feel a bit guilty when I smiled back. A weird feeling in my stomach.


	4. Triggered

**Chapter four.**

Down to the dungeons again, I pulled my cloak closer against me as we ran down the remaining steps to the closed classroom. Slughorn hadn't shown up yet. I felt shivers down my spine, the corridors down here were even chillier than the actual classroom. We were not the first students there, some fellow Ravenclaws stood leaning against the stone wall while speaking to some Hufflepuffs. It was Thursday and the conversations about the approaching weekend could be overheard from every corner in the castle. Those who turned seventeen during the summer talked eagerly about their first drink of firewhiskey or their first sip of real beer. Lara and I listened to the conversations in amusement. I turned seventeen six months earlier, and I had already consumed that cup of firewhiskey. Multiple actually. Lara had been dying of jealousy during my first trip to Hogsmeade as a wizard of age, but I would let her take a little sip of my whiskey now and then 'till the day she turned seventeen herself. That was a good day.

"So, are you and Casper going to Hogsmeade this Saturday?" Lara said.

"I suppose so, we haven't talked about it, actually."

"Why am I not surprised? Alissa, be honest, what do you two even speak about?" she frowned.

"Loads of things."

"Except from schoolwork?"

She had a point, but I was not in the mood to admit that to her. For Merlin's sake, wasn't she the one to talk me out of dumping him?

"We have things to talk about that don't involve school work, our naked bodies for example."

Before Lara got the chance to respond we were cut off by a loud voice and, of course, that voice belonged to none other than Sirius Black.

"Whoa, as much as I'd like to hear more about _that_ ," he winked at me and I rolled my eyes. "But I suppose you have something else to tell me, Alissa?"

Hey, what's up with the first name basis? Did he skip to that part of normal social behavior? He waited for my response as he tilted his head to the side a little, so that his long hair fell down from behind his ear and covered his cheek, his eyes looked into mine without blinking once. I was such a hypocrite for thinking this, but bloody hell, he looked freaking good.

"Is that so? I can't recall having anything to tell to you." I made a confused grimace and his friends howled in the back.

"Come on, Padfoot, she's not interested." James Potter shouted from where they stood. Sirius closed his eyes but didn't react to the little taunt.

"Look, I know you understand what I'm talking about, and I also know your friend's response was a big loud yes. Please, give up this charade you have going on and just tell me."

I couldn't decide if he appeared to be angry or not, because there was still something playful about his eyes when he spoke. I sighed heavily, I didn't want to tell him what Beth had said, but I guess this was one of those moments when you can't turn back.

"Fine. She said yes." I muttered, he smirked and placed his hand on my shoulder.

"That wasn't so hard, was it, love?"

I shoved his hand off my shoulder and stared in those grey eyes of his.

"I would appreciate it if you didn't call me love. And if you so much as touch a hair on Beth's head without her approval, I'll end you, Black."

 _What did I just do?_ I thought in panic.

To my big relief, Slughorn just moved down the stairs and pulled up his large key to the classroom from his robe. Sirius looked at me with big surprise and I pushed my way past him with Lara following behind.

"Way to go, Fione." Potter shouted after me as I entered the classroom. I didn't understand where all this outrage came from but it had felt good snapping at Sirius Black like that, perhaps it was one thing you needed to have done at least once before graduating Hogwarts. Or maybe it felt good because that snap was going out to all my sisters out there that had their heart broken by Sirius Black. And now, with Beth being next, I felt a responsibility to protect her from those seducing eyes and the smile he possessed.

"Alissa, I bloody love you." Lara whispered when we sat down on our usual seats in the front of the classroom. I flipped my hair over my shoulder and looked at her with a cocky expression on my face.

"Oh well, you know me and my temper. It's easily triggered."

She laughed and glanced at the marauders behind me with her dark eyes.

"Well, you certainly made an impact on Black. He's still staring your way with those big eyes."

 _You better be sure I mean it, Black,_ I thought slightly irritated.


	5. Involuntary Interaction

**Chapter five.**

I inspected myself in the dorm room mirror and brought the mascara brush to my lashes one more time. The black makeup created a contrast that made my blue eyes seem even more light coloured and made my hair shift in the silver undertones it possessed.

"Wow, someone's all set for her date this afternoon." Lara said when she appeared behind me in the mirror. "You will do your lips, right?"

I smirked at her. _Of course_ , I would do my lips.

"When have I ever _not_ done my lips?" I raised an eyebrow, and she giggled.

"Don't forget that time we went to the Leaky Cauldron..."

Before she could add anything further I stopped her.

"I believe I told you to never speak of that night again!"

Lara was still laughing when the door flew open and Beth burst in with her hands pressed to her chest. Her cheeks blushed a pink tone when she stormed off to her trunk and began to toss clothes around. They landed in a circle around her on the wooden floor. She called out a cry for help. Lara's eyes met with mine through the mirror and I nodded to Beth, one of us needed to help her and I wasn't the one to deal with it.

Lara made her way over to Beth who had made herself one with the pile of clothes on the floor.

"I'm going to die." she closed her eyes before she carried on. "I have nothing to wear, therefore I'm not going. Alissa, be a doll and explain that to Mr. Black?"

As much as I would've loved it if Beth bailed on her date, I knew better than to expect she would ever turn that man down. She had been speaking about this day every waking moment since Thursday and It would soon drive me mad, therefore we needed to get her ready as rapidly as possible.

"Beth, take a deep breath." Lara sat down to the side of her, next to the big pile of clothes.

"Okay..."

I decided I needed to help her too, this was one of those moments you needed both of your greatest friends to take care of you.

"I think you should put on that red blouse you bought last year." I remarked, wishing it would get her to stop hyperventilate.

"Which one of them?" Beth shouted in desperation and I had to keep in the laughter that was on its way up through my mouth. I did not laugh to be mean, but she looked pretty funny while lying flat on the floor with her eyes widened in panic. I felt glad it wasn't me this time.

Yes, I had been freaking out before my first date with Casper as well.

"The one with flounces on its sleeves."

She sat up and stared at me in silence for a second, I expected she would shout at me again but instead she rushed up to give me a quick hug from behind.

"Alissa, you're a genius."

And soon after she ran back to her trunk, searching for the red blouse I had advised her to wear. Now that Beth's dilemma was out of the world I could concentrate on my appearance once again, I took the cap of my lipstick off and applied the deep red colour over both my lips and pressed them gently together. I took a last glimpse at my reflection in the mirror and applauded myself for my choice of clothes; a black turtleneck that showed of my curves in the perfect way together with a light pair of denims. I felt more than prepared for this semester's first trip to Hogsmeade.

The sun was shining, and the birds were singing cheerful melodies through the mild breeze; it appeared as if Hogsmeade was glowing with joy and laughter this afternoon. Couples holding hands, third graders were running around from shop to shop with bags around their wrists, the shopkeepers gladly greeted all the unfamiliar faces and I caught myself almost jumping my way forward instead of walking. I had missed this, all the happiness and excitement.

"Are you feeling happy today, darling?" Casper asked as he squeezed my hand in his.

"What gave me away?" I giggled.

"The fact that you're nearly flying instead of walking." his smile grew bigger when I stopped to gaze at him and without further thought I pressed my lips against his. He willingly responded to my kiss and placed his large hand on my neck, holding me tightly.

"Can't you snog somewhere different than in the middle of the street?" Someone said, annoyed by our make-out session, and then pushed past me with force. I would bet 100 galleons that I would see a dark green coloured scarf walking away from us this very second if I looked up the street, but I didn't bother. Instead, I looked into Casper's friendly brown eyes and smiled.

"What do you say, shall we move this into the Three Broomsticks instead?"

"That's the best idea you've had all afternoon." he kissed my forehead and took my hand once more, leading me the way inside the crowded pub.

As I had predicted the place was packed with first time seventeen-year-olds that laughed loudly and they all had seemed to have forgotten to communicate within the normal social behaviour approach. I looked around the inn with amusement, drunk seventh graders everywhere. It was bloody awesome.

"Do you think there's room anywhere?" Casper scanned the place with a doubtful expression on his charming face.

"If not, we will just squeeze ourselves in somewhere, these drunks won't mind." I gestured with my hand across the entire area.

"Fine, I'll go get us some seats. Can you get whatever you're getting for me as well?"

I nodded and made my way up to the crowded bar. Wizards of all ages were leaning over the counter, either talking to the one that just so happened to stand side by side to them or waiting patiently for the barkeeper to get their order. I stood in one of the empty spots waiting for a bartender to take my order, when someone stood next to me.

"Hello there, Fione." I looked to my side and without warning my heart made a weird and alarming beat.

 _What the actual...?_

There was something in his mysterious gaze that made my heart leap, something I did not want, what so ever.

"Why am I not surprised to meet you here, Black?"

"Since the entire seventh grade is currently letting loose in here, it's not surprising I'm here at all, no."

"And how's Beth doing?" I asked sceptically. He studied me with tired eyes.

"Your friend is doing just fine. Actually, that Baby-face looking fellow of yours sat down next to us. So you will have the opportunity to see for yourself, how much of a gentleman I am."

 _Oh no, what did you do Casper? And what gave him the right to call my cute 'friend' Baby-face? Bastard._

This was not how I desired to spend my first time back in Hogsmeade. I simply wanted to snuggle with my boyfriend in peace and with no interaction with anyone at all, specially not with Sirius Black.

"I seriously doubt that."

"Interesting choice of words there."

I grunted something inaudible.

The bartender came our way and Sirius was fast to catch her attention before I was given the chance to even get my hand up. _Such a gentleman indeed._

"Two Fire whiskey, please." he fired of one of his most charming smiles and the barkeeper responded instantly.

"Right away, sir."

Suddenly it occurred to me, Sirius' birthday was not until November. I would know, because every time some of the marauders had their birthday, they made sure the whole school knew about it. One year they had bewitched the whole defence against the arts classroom to start singing "Happy Birthday Remus." every time someone entered the room. McGonagall had been furious.

"Hey, you're not seventeen yet!" I spoke with a loud voice, hoping to get him into some sort of trouble. But the barkeeper came back with two drinks of Fire whiskey, and she handed them to Sirius without reacting to my outburst. He picked up the cups and turned to me.

"I have my ways, Love." he winked at me and then gracefully walked away, looking rather pleased with himself.

Didn't I tell him _not_ to call me love? I turned around to the barkeeper with annoyance. Who did he think he was?


	6. Annoying Thoughts

Chapter six.

 _Beth's darkened eyes pierced me and her cheeks flushed in red. Her mouth was opening just to close again as she struggled to find the correct words to say._

" _Alissa, how the fuck could you do this?" she threw her fists up in the air, causing her long hair to fall down on her face._

" _Beth, calm down." My voice cracked, but I tried to hold myself together._

" _Calm down? You're asking me to calm down?" she shouted. "I can't believe you did this!" her cheeks became redder as she spoke. Her hands were shaking with rage and I fought the impulse to move away from her to avoid her punching me in the face._

" _Beth, please." I reached out for her arm but she smacked my hand away from her, her eyes burning with hatred and sorrow._

" _And you're supposed to be my best friend?" by now tears were filling up her eyes, threatening to roll down her cheeks if she let out another word, so she became quiet, looking around the room in confusion. How did it get to this? Why wouldn't she listen? I wanted to explain everything. I had to._

" _I am your best friend, please, just hear me out..." tears was filling up my own eyes, and I felt one roll down my pale face. Beth looked at me once again and took a deep breath to stop herself from shedding another tear. She practically whispered when she spoke again._

" _Save it Alissa." she hissed through her teeth, "Piss off." with that said she spun around, leaving me standing alone in the cold and shadowy room..._

I woke up with a big twitch and gasped for air.

 _It's only a dream, Alissa, breathe._

I looked up from my pillow towards Beth's sleeping figure, her back slowly moving when she breathed. I laid my head back on my pillow, wet with sweat. I closed my eyes and made an effort to breathe calmly so that my heart rate would slow down faster. It's only a bad dream; I knew that; I didn't even recall the reason why Beth had been so mad at me but that simply made me more concerned. Bad dreams that popped up like this one, without any explanation or context, usually found its way to occur in real life; not exactly in the way the dream took place but feelings or fragments from the dream could reflect into reality sooner or later. It had happened so many times before, whether the events had been big or small but as many times my dreams did come true, they also did not. It was a constant balance between how the dream had made me feel and the likelihood that the event would take place.

I swallowed hard and took another deep breath; I hated this part of my divination skills, when they involved myself and my friends. Why would Beth get so mad at me? Or was it just an ordinary dream? I couldn't possibly figure that out right here and now and it made my head spin in frustration

It was all fun and games while divining in the Great Hall at dinnertime, which quidditch team had the most chance to win the next game or reading tarot cards in the common room to voluntarily students before an exam. But dreaming about something bad happening between you and the people close to you, that was something else.

I glanced at my watch on my nightstand, 05.24. It was two bloody hours until breakfast was served, but I knew for sure I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep, so I picked up my copy of ' _A Guide to Advanced Transfiguration.'_

I was already ahead of schedule but I needed to distract myself from the unpleasant memory from the dream, and reading always did the trick.

 _Sirius' POV._

I grabbed one of the remaining fried tomatoes and shoved it onto my stuffed plate and brought a fork filled with scrambled eggs to my mouth. I was so freaking hungry this particular Monday, usually because of the lack of eating during the weekend. That happened a lot during weekends at school, especially since we found out the way to sneak a bottle firewhiskey or two out from the Hog's Head last year. It usually ended with all of us, _except for good boy Remus_ , being way too intoxicated to turn up for dinner and too hung-over to get up for breakfast the following morning. That's what happened this weekend as well.

"Padfoot, pass me the juice, please." James said while resting his head on the table, he was such a wreck. A weak wreck.

"C'mon, just because you're dumb enough to down half a bottle of firewhiskey all by yourself, doesn't mean I will be your servant."

"You're talking to loud. Shh…" he hushed me with his left hand while pressing the other one over his ear. I glared at him and then decided not to do as he said, which happened all the time to be fair.

"Camrates, we've got a real life diva over here. Come and see, Prongs Potter, dying from lack of orange juice." I shouted over the Gryffindor table and Peter burst into a loud giggle.

"I can't believe I'm still friends with you." Remus muttered before taking a bite of a shining red apple.

"Careful Rem, you wouldn't provoke me like that if you could see all the things I imagine stuffing red apples into right now." I winked his way and he let out a sigh before taking another bite.

I felt more provoked this morning than normal and I had a difficult time admitting to myself why. But I knew full well it had to do with the date I had Saturday afternoon. As much as I tried to get her out of my head, I just couldn't stop thinking about that Ravenclaw girl, and it annoyed the shit out of me.

That's when I overheard the conversation next to us.

"I heard Fione will do her usual Tarot Cards reading tonight, before the game."

"Will you go to that?"

"For sure, it's always fun watching her trick Slytherins into assuming they will win."

"Perhaps I'll go with you. She's still doing it in the Great Hall?"

"Actually, she said to Sarah it will be held outside the Muggle Studies- classroom, don't know why, perhaps to lure the slytherin-gang not to show up."

They laughed and got up from their seats. I immediately figured where I was taking the gang tonight, I needed to make up a good excuse for going to the Slytherin-Hufflepuff quidditch prediction without revealing my actual reason for wanting to go. I looked at James.

"Hey Prongs, got anywhere to be tonight?"


	7. The Reading

Chapter seven.

"Lara, hurry up! I told the Hufflepuffs to be there at half past seven. Which is _now."_

I stood in the doorway, ready to run to the muggle studies classroom the minute Lara had put her freaking jumper on.

 _How could it be, that she was never ready on time?_

"I told you loud and clear; you can leave without me, I'll be there as soon as I can." she snapped in irritation.

"And then I told you; no fucking way I'm going there alone. Remember that evil sister I don't want to interact with on my own?"

"Merlin, Iona's your sister, it's not like she will hex you."

I laughed bitterly at her comment, following her every move to make sure she did her best to get ready.

"Don't be so sure."

She was finally fully dressed but instead of making her way over to the door, she stopped in front of the mirror.

"Merlin's beard, Lara, we need to go!"

"Fine, I'm done. Take it easy!"

I groaned at her when she wandered out of the room. Before she reached the entrance, I rushed my way past her, hearing her yell after me.

"Hey, wait for me!"

There was five minutes of active running to get to the classroom in reasonable time. Lara panted behind me while we rushed through the castle, I regretted the decision not to change out of my uniform. The skirt was making it difficult to run and the heat from the jumper made me sweat. The dozen people standing outside the classroom looked upon us in surprise when we arrived.

"I'm so sorry we're late." I took a deep breath. "Lara had a hard time picking what to wear."

"Oh, shut it." she spat, exhausted from the sprint.

"No problem, Alissa." a Hufflepuff girl smiled at me, I believed her name was Hannah.

I went to take a seat on one of the chairs the Hufflepuffs promised to bring, friendly guys those Hufflers. I smiled at them and they smiled back, sometimes I wished me and my friends possessed the same care and open-minded manner. Life looked easier if you constantly had a smile on your lips. Unfortunately for me it appeared impossible to hold up that warm-hearted personality, it was simply too much work.

Lara took a seat beside me, leaning back against the chairs she let out a deep breath. I realized she was disappointed that her current object of interest hadn't turned up yet, Sarah Jones, the friendliest little Hufflepuff girl who always stared at Lara during transfiguration class. That staring had been going on for too long without getting anywhere at all. I used to encourage Lara to talk to her outside periods, but she didn't have the courage. I was tempted to ask her out in Lara's place, but I was giving her another month.

I leaned in and whispered; "She'll turn up, just wait and see" before I took out my tarot cards, arranging them on the table in front of us.

This divination activity had grown to be a tradition before the quidditch-games and my readings were usually correct. But the reading worked best if it was on the quidditch team captain. I figured that out after some bad readings during the fourth year. I scanned the area for Oliver Rickett, the Hufflepuff captain and caught sight of him standing in the middle of the group, looking anxiously up through the corridor. That's when I noticed the noise, a group of evil laughing students made their way towards us.

 _Fuck._ I wished my choice of place would have prevented them from coming but that plan hadn't worked. To my relief, my sister was not with them. I figured she'd avoid me just as much as I avoided her.

"Ready to read us those cards, Fione?" Emma Vanity came up to the table, eyeing me with her dark green eyes. Her mouth turned into a snake-like grin.

"So you decided to slither out of that snakepit of yours, just to see me? How kind of you, Emma." I fired off a big fake smile and her glare got bigger.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that." she flicked her stiff ponytail to the side and with one look she ordered the rest of her little gang to join her around the table.

"You disappoint me Emma, you are aware of the rules. Only captains at the table while I'm reading the cards."

I didn't bother to look at her, instead I reached out my hand towards Oliver Rickett and he stepped forward. His smile was still bright as always when he got up next to Emma, who stared at him with hatred in her evil eyes.

"So, who wants to go first?"

Emma didn't have the chance to reply before Oliver spoke with confidence.

"Miss. Vanity, please, ladies first." he offered her to pull out her chair, but she waved his hand off, as if she waved off an annoying bug. She sat down in elegance before looking me straight in the eyes.

"If you try to lure me again…" she hissed saying nothing further. I was used to this, the empty threats from dramatic and sinister Slytherins, but something in Emma's eyes made me believe she meant it this time.

"Emma, are you taking me for a fraud?" I gasped. "I would never…" the laughs that spread around us made the Slytherin-gang stiffen up even more. They now looked like pale miserable statues, all staring Emma's way. One time I tricked them into thinking they would win, one bloody time, but they had a difficult time letting it go.

I was just about read the first card when another noise interrupted us. The noise of James Potter shouting.

"Wait! Don't start…" a loud thump. "Without us!" after him came his three faithful companions, all blushing in red after the run they'd made.

"Bloody hell…" the Slytherins mumbled, and I concurred, because wherever the marauders and the Slytherins met, there would be trouble.

"Oh hello, lovelies." James bowed to the crowd and to his great joy the Hufflepuff girls, and boys, giggled. "Are we late for the reading?"

"No." I contemplated him with irritation. Why were they here? They never came to my readings. But then I saw the smirking boy behind him, showing of a trail of white perfect teeth. That little smirk explained it all. They were simply here so that Sirius Black could steal a little snog from Beth. How disappointed he would be when he figured out she wasn't here. To my surprise he didn't even take a look around. Instead, his eyes met with mine and I don't think he realised it himself, but his smile became an awfully lot wider.

"Hi." he said in a ridiculously childish voice. I was convinced he would make a dorky wink but to my relief he didn't, instead he pulled his hand through his tousled hair, making it settle upon his back.

When did his hair become so... manly? _Oh stop it, Alissa_.

I could sense Lara's sneer without even looking her way.

"Yes, hello, lads. Would you mind?" I pointed to the back of the room as an example of where they could park themselves. "I would prefer to begin this reading before midnight."

They all looked at me with scepticism but then Sirius pulled James to the spot I had suggested and the other two followed.

 _Good boy,_ I thought in the voice I only used for my cat at home. _That was weird._

The reading was over and only a few students lingered. We're all still laughing at the face Emma Vanity had made when the first card I draw for her was the card of _Death._ And I don't think I must explain that's _not_ a positive omen.

"I will live on her grimace foor weeks." James Potter giggled.

"At least I didn't trick her this time."

"You've tricked her during one of these 'things'?" Potter asked with delight.

"Yeah. Wouldn't recommend it. They hexed my food for four bloody weeks. Lost 6 pounds that month."

"Worth it!" he stated, and I nodded in agreement. He went back to speaking with some of the remaining Hufflepuffs while I picked up my tarot cards from the table. Lara was on the opposite side of the corridor, discussing homework with Oliver and, to my huge thrill, Sarah Smith.

"Hey." Sirius Black said as he sat down on the stool next to me. To his pleasure I dropped the cards I was holding right down on the stone floor. "Wow, I didn't realize my presence made you that nervous, love."

 _Just shut up, you freakishly good smelling egocentric fella._

"Didn't we go over this last time we spoke?" I replied as I leaned down to pick up the cards that were spread all around the floor.

"Go over what? How good your hair looks when you have it like that?" he winked, and I grumbled so loud it made him burst out in laughter. "Okay, I guess that was not what you meant."

I laid the cards on the table again with a slam.

"No, it was not."

"Fione, please, tell me, what did we talk about last Saturday? I had a few firewhiskeys, and my memory is failing me." his eyes looked all puppy eyes and I hated him for doing that. Mostly because it made his lips pout and my gaze wandered there whether I wanted it or not.

"That I don't want you to call me 'love'."

He closed his eyes and frowned before looking at me again.

"I'm sorry, can't recall having that conversation."

 _Of course he didn't._

"Well, do you remember promising Beth you would come see her during Sunday's lunch?"

Now he seemed to be confused for real.

"Oh, shit."

"She's not so happy with you right now, mister."

She had been spending the entire Sunday cursing his ass, and she promised herself not to be taken into his trap again. I didn't bother telling her she was plainly lying to herself. Because I was fond of the idea of her not hounding after him anymore, but I knew she'd run back to him the minute he asked her out again.

"I honestly forgot." the puppy eyes were back, and I fought the urge to punch him straight in that ridiculously handsome face.

"Don't bother explaining yourself to me. It's her you stood up." he opened his mouth to say something but regretted it right away. "But if you do care what my opinion is…"

"Yes?" he replied at once.

 _Weird._

"I believe it would be best if you let her be."

A restrained smile appeared on his pink lips before he raised an eyebrow at me.

"And why is that, Fione? Are you jealous?"

"Don't flatter yourself, Black." I spat. "My one and only reason is this; you're an egocentric heartbreaker, with respect for no one but yourself, and possibly your three friends over there." I nodded to the rest of his squad. "You've spent the last three years in this place making girls, and possibly also boys, fall boundlessly in love with you; before dumping them after you are given what you want out of them, Leaving them hurting without even a decent explanation. Because if you would care to explain to all those poor people you've wronged; all you could say is that you're a lonely, hurting, sorrowful soul, longing for something real but you're too much of a buffoon to ever admit that to yourself. Therefore, I would love it, if you could leave my friend alone, and spare her the trouble that is you, Sirius Black."

He looked fixedly at me with his big grey eyes and for a second I saw something that looked like sadness flash by in his gaze but it disappeared before I could blink. His lower lip moved, but I didn't hear a sound and before I knew it he got up from the chair, his messy hair, surrounding his pale face when he in a low voice replied to my rant.

"I'll take your words into thought. Maybe I'll listen or perhaps I'll do what I always do when people truthfully tell me what I am; ignore them." he sneered before continuing. "See you around, Alissa."

Soon after he stormed off, without his loyal friends. I watched his small but muscular back disappear into the shadows before standing up myself.

 _Did I go too far? Had I hurt him? And what did I care if I had? He deserved it._


	8. A Good Thing

Chapter eight.

Lara grabbed my hand while strolling like a joyful bride through the silent castle. Her conversation with Sarah had gone perfectly, and she smiled like I've never seen her smile before.

"She's just so sweet, and kind, and perfect." she went on and on and I tried my best to keep up. My mind wandered to a pair of sad, grey eyes before they stormed off again.

 _Did he get hurt?_

"Alissa!"

"Yes, I'm here, no need to shout."

"Care to tell me what you're thinking about?" she raised an eyebrow.

"It's nothing." I assured her, but I realised an answer like that, never would satisfy the girl who knew me better than I did myself.

"You can shut me out all you want, I'll still figure it out."

 _Probably._

She stopped us right in front of the stairs up to the northern tower, let go of my hand and looked me straight in the eyes.

"Does this perhaps have something to do with that _weird_ smirk Sirius Black gave you tonight?"

Did it? I didn't even understand myself, my mind was spinning fast and my chest pounding with a bittersweet sense. It had felt good saying all those things to him, but I couldn't get those melancholy eyes out of my thought.

"That smirk was weird, wasn't it?" I avoided the question pretty well, I believed.

"Really, really weird." Lara answered and gripped my hand once more, we made our way up the stairs.

"Lara…?"

"Yes?"

"Is it wrong of me to feel bad about maybe hurting Sirius Black?" once again she stopped us.

"Alissa, are you okay?" she observed me with concern. "It's not like you to have second thoughts about something you've said. What did you tell him?"

"Oh nothing actually. Just that he's an arrogant, egocentric player, who's frightened to feel something real. Also, that he's a sorrowful soul filled with the bitterness of loneliness."

Lara whistled.

"whoa, you hit him with the truth hard."

"Well, yeah." I shrugged my shoulders and Lara let out a laugh.

"And now you feel lousy?"

"I don't necessary feel bad, but I don't feel good about it either."

Lara laid a hand on my shoulder.

"Assuming that it can keep him from hurting Beth, it's a good thing."

It was a good thing, but why did it make me feel so regretful then?

"You're right, it was a good thing, and hopefully he will stay away from her." Lara nodded at my answer but suddenly examined me with an odd expression in her eyes.

"But I'll tell you this, don't be so sure this is the last we will see of Sirius Black."

"Why is that?" I nearly shouted, afraid of the words she would utter next.

"I saw that smirk he gave you, and I can swear that our generation's biggest heartthrob didn't expect what was coming his way, but you've hit him hard, Alissa. And I'm assured he won't let that go."

 _Well, fuck._


	9. Knock out

Chapter nine.

After that night the following weeks seemed to proceed as usual, except from Lara spending more and more time with Sarah Smith, which made me glad, but that meant that I had to listen to Beth spend all her time complaining over the _boy_ I would love to avoid talking about.

He hadn't said a word to me since my truthful speech about the way he lives his life and the way he treats other people, and I doubted that he would ever speak to me again. _Fine by me, don't think otherwise_ , but his silent gazes during class started to drive me crazy. If he had decided never to talk to me or my friend again, why did he have to stare at me as soon as he thought I wasn't noticing? Was that his annoying way to get back at me?

"Darling, you're doing that annoyed stare again." Casper stroke his hand over my thigh, and I looked up from the book I was holding. I hadn't read a word in over five minutes, damn you, Sirius Black, disturbing my precious study time.

"Was I?" I shook my head. "Must be this boring book."

"Then let's do something else." he took the book out of my grip and laid it down on the table in front of the sofa we were sitting in.

"Like what?" A smile formed on my lips.

"Oh, I don't know…" he leaned in closer to me and lowered his voice. "This, maybe?"

He pressed his lips gently upon mine and moved himself closer to where I was sitting. I kissed him back, his soft lips really made that annoying feeling go away. His hand moved from my thigh to my hips, and up to my neck. I slowly licked his bottom lip and he responded by letting his tongue slide into my mouth. His breath smelled minty. His hand was now in my hair and I pulled him closer, making him let out a low moan. Luckily for us, the common room was deserted from students apart from two other seventh years who sat on the other side of the room.

"Are your girls coming back anytime soon?" Casper asked suddenly between kisses and heavy breathing. My heart was pounding from the current activity and other parts of me where pounding equally as hard.

"No, Lara's spending all afternoon with Sarah and Beth is in the library trying to write that herbology-essay."

"So, we're technically alone for another two hours?" he winked at me and then placed a seductive kiss on my neck. I shivered at the touch of his lips on my sensitive skin, and before he had the time to react I stood up and dragged him towards my dorm room.

Time to really knock out that annoying picture in my head of Sirius Black's eyes slowly following my every move. What studying couldn't kill, sex most certainly would.

Casper's arms were hugging me, pressed against his still naked body, while he placed small kisses on my shoulder.

"You're so beautiful. Have I told you that?" His voice sounded raspy after our round in the sheets.

"You have, but please, tell me more."

I had a rough time keeping my eyes open, but Casper appeared to be in a mood for small talk.

"How are you, Alissa?" his lips still traveling back and forth on my shoulder.

"I'm good."

"I mean, for real." he sighed. "It seems like we never talk."

To be honest, we didn't, it always felt difficult to open up to him. But in my defence, I struggled to open up to everybody, except from Lara.

"Then I suppose you will have to be more specific." I sounded more hostile than I intended but I was too sleepy to fix my tone.

"Well, how's you and your sister doing, for example?"

I froze at his question. Hadn't he realised I didn't talk about my sister? At least not with anyone I had known less than five years. Our relationship was a dark chapter in my life, and I had spent my entire life trying to repress the memories from our childhood together. It wasn't wise to suppress feelings, but that was what I always did, I repressed my feelings until they were replaced with a logical problem I could solve. You may say I read my misery away instead of talking about it.

"Why are you asking me that?" I remarked, on my guard. He was out on thin ice, asking questions about Iona.

"You've never told me anything about her, and since we're together, I would love to get to know you better." he raised his head from my shoulder. "Am I not allowed to ask questions about your family?"

 _No, you're not. Not yet, I'm not ready._

"You may ask...but that doesn't mean that I will answer your questions." I crossed my arms over my bare chest and Casper moved away from his laying position.

 _Great, now I had pissed him off._

"And why is that, Alissa?" he sat up, searching around the bed for his clothes. "Aren't we supposed to be in a relationship?"

I dragged the duvet up to cover myself before sitting up next to him. He looked for his boxers in frustration and when he couldn't find them he stood up naked, grabbed his trousers from the floor and dragged them on in a hurry. When I didn't respond he looked at me with a questioning gaze.

"Casper, you know I don't like talking about my family."

He picked up his shirt and put it on with a heavy sigh.

"Alissa, I'm sorry to tell you this, but it seems as if you don't fancy talking about anything anymore."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I gasped. Anger filling my body, as always, you could say I was easily triggered. Perhaps I got it from my sister.

"You've been acting strange for the last two weeks. As if you're here in person, but your mind is off somewhere else."

 _Somewhere else._

As it seemed right now Sirius Black wasn't just sabotaging my studying, but also my ability to communicate with my partner, without even talking to me. _That little shit._

"Casper, I don't understand what you're talking about. I've been caught up with schoolwork and Beth has been stressing me out." I wrapped the sheet around myself and stood up in front of him. "I'm sorry, I didn't realise you felt like this."

I laid a hand on his clean shaven jaw and stroked my thumb over his blushing skin.

"But I do feel like this." His eyes fell on mine. "Is it so wrong of me wanting to get to understand you better?"

"No, Casper. That's not wrong of you at all, but I guess I'm not ready yet."

He lowered his head and placed a tender kiss on my lips before walking towards the door.

"Let me know when you are." and with those words he disappeared behind the shutting door, leaving me standing there wrapped in my bedsheet, naked and confused over the sudden change in his mood.

 _Was he right? Maybe I didn't desire to tell him things about myself?_

I muttered something in the style of "for fucks sake." and went back to bed. As soon as I closed my eyes, a pair of arrogant looking eyes and a cocky smirk appeared on my cornea. I felt tempted to scream outright in the empty room but stopped myself. When would this madness end?


	10. Choosing Sides

Chapter ten.

"Remember children, never stop believing in your own ability. Class dismissed."

I gathered my books and shoved them down in my already overfilled bag. The two hours of divination had dragged slowly, mostly because of my lack of concentration. And without Lara or Beth there to keep my mind on track it drifted off far to long. I wasn't used to this newly formed trait, drifting off in thoughts about a boy during class, but after mine and Casper's little dispute it happened a lot. _And no, I didn't daydream about Casper, unfortunately._ My mind always wandered to the one and only; Sirius Black.

I knew I was such a hypocrite for even thinking about that man, but I couldn't help it. Not since he looked at me with those sad eyes of his, and not since he hadn't spoken to me in almost three weeks. It drove me crazy not to be aware of what he was thinking about, and it drove me more crazy that it drove me crazy. I had spent six years in this school before this semester, unaware of the attractive force that man possessed, but he had to go ruin it all by asking my friend out, whom was still completely obsessed with him. _Merlin's beard, it was a mess._

I heard chants the distance and I stepped down the stairs from the divination classroom. There was cheering and howling surrounding the narrow courtyard but it was all fading away when I heard her speak. _Iona._

"You filthy little blood traitor." people were buzzing in excitement or fear, possibly both. "Oh yes, your dearest little brother has told me everything about you…"

"Don't you dare talk about my brother, you evil serpent."

I didn't have to see them to understand what was going on. Iona's voice could cut through glass but in this moment I feared for her safety, Sirius Black was known as the type that fought his enemies, despite the consequences.

"Weak spot, aye?

I got down to the courtyard just in time to see Sirius draw his wand out of his robe, Iona responded with the same move. They were facing each other, both pointing their wands at each other's face. The cheering and howling was gone, all around the yard students examined the scene with fear in their eyes.

Except for Emma Vanity and that awkward looking fella, Severus Snape, who stood behind Iona, both smiling.

"Is this wise, Black?" she spat out his name like it was sickening for her to even pronounce it.

"I don't know, Fione, you tell me." He spoke with confidence. His eyes were flamming with rage but his hand pointing towards Iona was steady.

"I doubt it's wise of you."

Sirius laughed with a harshness in his voice and began to move around the narrow area of grass. Iona followed his lead, so they circulated, wands still pointing at each other.

"What do you want from me, Iona?" Sirius spat.

"I thought I already told you. I want you to tell me where your brother is!" now she screamed and the evil fire was lightninged in her sights. I had seen that fire too many times before, and I froze in the middle of my step. She frightened me. Sirius on the other hand didn't seem frightened at all, which simply made me more concerned.

"I don't know where my brothers is, sweet little Iona. You see, we're not on speaking terms."

"Who did you call _sweet_?" she hissed. Her glare turned even more hateful, and the scar across her left eye pulsed in red. The surrounding students froze at the venom in her tone. I realized this was it, she would lose it any second, and that did not bode well for Sirius.

Without thinking twice I stepped up in the middle of the courtyard, turning to confront my sister. My heart was beating hard and my hand was shaking when I grabbed my wand.

"Let it go, Iona." I could hear my voice cracking but tried my best to keep my stare steady.

It took a few seconds for Iona to react to what just happened but when she did her face turned even paler than before. Her mouth twisted into a wicked grin before speaking in a gravelly voice.

"You disappoint me sister. Taking the side of that blood traitor scum." She looked at the man behind me with disgust in her pastel blue eyes. "Fucking him are you? What does your little puppy say about that?" she pouted her lips and blinked with large eyes.

"Just leave." I spat. Her comment was bouncing of my back as soon as is reached me, I had practiced on that for seventeen years.

It seemed as if she would add something further but realised she would only embarrass herself if she remained here any longer. We were now two against one, and I doubted her allies were willing to get in trouble for a fight over sister-rivalry.

"This is not over." She hissed between her teeth before turning around and marching away with the rest of her companions.

I shut my eyes and let out a heavy breath, my heart was still pounding fast from nervosity and dismay. She wouldn't let this pass, that I knew, but she was gone for now and that I was grateful for.

I had just enough time to take another breath before someone grabbed my arm and dragged me away from the courtyard.

Sirius walked fast inside the caste and as soon we were out of sight from the other students he pressed me up against the stone wall. His right hand placed on the side of my head and his other hand holding my arm, so I had no possible way out from his grip.

His intense eyes pierced mine and my breathing grew heavier. Before he spoke he lowered his face closer to mine, so I could smell his breath. A faint scent of cigarette smoke hit my olfaction and I couldn't help but breathe it in.

"Why did you do that?" he was obviously angry I had stepped in. He should feel happy I stepped in, otherwise he might've ended up in the hospital wing.

"Saved your as you mean?" I spat. His eyes flickered with rage and for a second I regretted my decision to defend that pompous bastard.

"I don't need _anyone,_ saving me. Okay?" He spoke slowly, as if the words weren't only meant for me.

"I get it, you're the rebellious Sirius Black. You can deal with every danger coming your way." I rolled my eyes, and it only made him look more furious. "But when it comes to my sister, I believe I'm the one to know what's best." I raised an eyebrow at him and he stared at me for a long time without uttering a word.

"So, you're implying you defended me back there because you were afraid of what your sister might have done?" the rage in his voice had faded but his intense stare didn't.

"Yes." I sighed.

He let go of my arm but didn't remove the hand he pressed against the wall on my right side. He lowered his eyes and bite his lower lip before meeting my sight once more. His voice seemed different when he spoke.

"Well, then I guess I must say thank you." he now talked in a hushed tone.

"You're welcome." I nodded, trying my best not to stare at his red plump lips when he licked them. _He was so freakishly sexy right now._ His eyes still wild from the fight, his black hair tangled around his ivory coloured face and his white shirt carelessly tugged into his black trousers. And those lips, those red puffy lips just screaming for me to touch them with my own.

 _What was I even thinking? Merlin I have sinned._

"Was that all?" I asked with annoyance. I needed to get away from him, right this instant. Before my mind could betray me even more.

"Yes, that was all." he removed his hand from the wall and put it in the pocket of his trousers.

"Good." I stepped away from my trapped position against the stonewall as soon as he cleared my way. I walked towards the courtyard again when he slowly spoke my name. This time, he didn't say it like all the other times before. This time he addressed my name with tenderness and I would lie if I said it didn't make me weak to my knees.

"Alissa."

I spun around once again.

"What now?"

The misery in his eyes I had seen the last time we spoke was back, and I stopped the urge to grasp him in my arms. He would be too tall to fit inside my embrace but that didn't matter.

"I know," he whispered. "How painful it is to stand up against your family." He looked at me with hurting eyes for a second and then turned the other way.

I thought about what Iona had said, about his little brother, and I realized right then and there; I was now caring for Sirius Black.

 _How did this happen?_


	11. Bad Stuff

**Chapter eleven.**

"Alissa Fione, you tell me right now what happened!" Lara pinched my arm while walking towards the Great Hall. I had tried not to spill every detail about my interaction with both Iona and Sirius earlier that day, mostly to avoid the information to find Beth's ears.

I didn't know if that made me a good friend or a bad friend?

"Fine, just keep it down, will you?" Lara instantly shut her mouth and waited for me to continue. "After Iona disappeared with her loyal servants, Black dragged me away from there and pressed me up against a wall, that's pretty much it."

"Whoa, he did what you said?" Her mouth opened wide in surprise and I knew what was to come.

"You heard me, Lara."

"You mean, Sirius Black, pressed you up against a cold stonewall and you were planning on keeping this to yourself?" she flicked her curly hair backwards and then looked away from me, straight forward with a sharp expression on her face.

"Well, yeah. I'm sorry." I reached for her hand and she allowed me to take it.

"You're only forgiven if you tell me what it felt like." she raised her eyebrows at me, and a smirk formed on her lips.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." I sealed my lips, not planning on uttering another word about the subject.

"Oh come on, don't be so stubborn Alissa."

I shut my eyes and waited until the Gryffindor fourth years walking behind us had passed by before grabbing her shoulders and hissing between my teeth.

"Okay fine, but if you so much as mention a word of this to Beth I'll tell everyone about your weird and awful crush on Emma Vanity in fifth year." she rolled her eyes but nodded in agreement. I couldn't believe the words that came out of my mouth after that, but they just came. "It felt like a scene from one of those cliche Muggle-romances we read when we were fourteen. He was a man, I was a women et cetera, et cetera. He smelled like tobacco and freshly chopped timber, and his lips made me want to do stuff to him. Bad stuff."

When I finished talking I brought my hands to my face and let out a high cry.

 _What was happening right now? This wasn't like me._

"Alissa, you're fine, relax." Lara laid her arm around me, patting my back in comfort. "That's a normal reaction. If you hadn't reacted like that, that's when I'd been starting to worry, okay?"

Why wasn't she freaking out right now? That was the only logical thing to do.

"It's a disaster Lara, a _fucking_ disaster!" I panicked.

"Explain to me why this is such a disaster." she pushed me gently in the side.

"Erhm, maybe the fact that our best friend is currently working her as off to forget him? Or the fact that my boyfriends is sitting in the Great Hall, waiting for me right now?"

"So?"

I knew she pushed me just to make me get to the point on my own. She was an expert on that.

"So, it's a bloody disaster I'm feeling stuff, for the biggest arrogant asshole in this whole school."

"Alissa, you're seventeen, you are supposed to feel stuff towards the arrogant asshole of the school. Just stop overthinking, and then it will soon fade away."

We entered the Great Hall just in time for dinner to be served. Casper waved our way when he saw us from the Ravenclaw table and I smiled, he had apparently let our disagreement go for now. We started to walk towards our seats when my eye caught sight of the black haired stallion of the room, looking my way while taking a sip from the cup he was holding in his ridiculously attractive hand. His eyes fixed on mine before looking away when the fella sitting next to him, Remus Lupin, caught his attention. I leaned in and whispered into Lara's ear.

"Fine, then I'll blame you when this gets out of control."

"You go ahead and do that."

 _Little did she know..._


	12. Request

Chapter twelve.

Standing outside classroom 2E, I found myself having a rough time keeping my eyes open. Lara had been sneaking out in the middle of the night and didn't return until sunrise. Her and Sarah's relationship was no longer a question, but her disappearing in the middle of the night did disturb my well needed sleep. I knew it wasn't her fault, but I had a tough time finding peace when she wasn't around.

I stood leaning against the wall, looking over at Lara laughing about something Sarah whispered to her when someone got up beside me.

"Morning sunshine." A raspy voice called out. I was certain I could pick up the irony break through and I yawned when facing the man next to me. We hadn't interacted since he had pushed me against that bloody wall, and I had hoped it would continue that way.

"I'm not so sure." I murmured. His hair did _that thing_ again, tousled around his beautiful face and the smell of timber hit me. How was it even possible? Smelling that satisfying this early in the morning?

"Fair enough." his dusky eyes were also looking tired when they met with mine.

"Did you need anything?" I asked, hoping to get rid of him as soon as possible. Because that 'fading away' thing Lara had been going on about a week ago didn't seem to work at all. All I could think about was me, grabbing his sloppy knotted tie and pressing him against me, kissing that smug grin off his stupid face, and then maybe push him up against that wall behind him and...

For fucks sake Alissa, contain yourself.

He licked his lips while still staring into my eyes before responding. I swear to Merlin, this guy knows exactly what he's doing.

"Actually, I have a request."

"Go ahead." In the corner of my eye I could see Casper approaching the hall, and I immediately got a hundred times more eager to get rid of Sirius Black who now was leaning in closer towards me. His hair caressed my ear as he lowered his face to my height.

"As you might know, my birthday is coming up, and I'm now officially inviting you to my birthday celebration." his voice sounded soft as silk when he spoke into my ear.

"You're inviting me to you birthday party, Black?" I answered, emphasizing every word.

"Yes, yes I am, Fione." he stated and leaned against the wall, while examining me to find out my answer.

Casper was now only 19 feet away, and I had to get rid of Sirius, to avoid any awkward interaction between the two of them. Last time in Hogsmeade it hadn't ended well, they were as you can say, different characters.

"I'm flattered, but I must say no, thank you."

He stood up from his leaning posture and frowned at me, flashing off a crooked smirk before whispering.

"I'll see you there, whether you wish it or not." then he pushed past me to meet up with the rest of his group, leaving me looking both angry and puzzled.

What did he intend 'Whether you wish it or not.'? Would he kidnap me and force me to be at his party? Sounds like a perfect plan, laddie. This was such typical Marauders behaviour, thinking every damn thing would work out their way.

But I would not play by his rules, no way in hell.

"What did he want?" Casper asked the minute he arrived. Did I catch a slight of concern in his sweet voice?

I took his hand and leaned in against his muscular torso, breathing in his scent, trying my best to find it at least twice as attracting as Sirius Black. I already knew I would get disappointed, but I couldn't expect all the men to go around smelling like a freaking sex-cologne.

"Sirius, you mean?"

"Sirius? You two are on first name basis now?" His eyes examining me with suspicion.

"Yeah, I suppose." I shrugged my shoulders and jumped up to kiss his cheek, maybe showing him my affection would make his gloomy countenance go away.

"And what did Sirius want?"

My plan didn't work.

"He was just asking me some things about Beth."

"Oh, I see." he replied, looking rather stiff before making our way inside the classroom.

This did not bode well, the minute I started lying towards my boyfriend was the moment I realized something was wrong.


	13. Blockhead

Chapter thirteen.

 _"My dear Alissa. We're thinking about you and your sister all the time, I miss you, always when you're not here. Have you spoken to your sister since you got back to school? I've been writing to Iona, but she's not returning my letters. How is she doing?_

 _Me and father are perfectly fine, please don't worry about us. My brother hasn't been attempting to contact us again after the last time, I'm hoping the message was clear; I want nothing to do with him as long as his loyalty lays where it lays. If we're lucky, he will make the right choice, just this one time._

 _I need to run, work's waiting. I love you, my clever, beautiful Alissa. Write back to us as soon as you can._

 _Love_

 _Mother."_

I read the letter twice before placing it back into the thick envelope it came in and laid it inside my bag. Mother's concern about me and Iona was becoming old, she was still hoping we would miraculously starting to act like sisters one day, which was never going to happen.

I knew she so desperately wanted us to get along because her own relationship with her only sibling, Icarus, was torn into shreds when he left the family at age nineteen to join the growing dark side. It was never confirmed that he joined the death eaters, but we all just sort of knew.

I understood Iona's behaviour frightened mother and father because of the similarities between her and Icarus. Listen to their names, for Merlin's sake.

I was drawn out from my thoughts when Beth's shrill voice broke the silence.

"What did your mom say, Alissa?" She had finished going through her own mail and grabbed a jug of water, filling up her cup to the width.

"The same old. She's worrying about Iona, as always." I turned to glance at my sister at the table next to us. She hadn't even opened the letter that laid in front of her. Ungrateful bastard.

"Perhaps she's right to." Lara stated, scanning the front page of today's copy of the Daily Prophet.

"Oh please. Aren't you the one to constantly telling me not to worry about her?" I frowned.

"That was before she nearly sent Sirius Black to the hospital wing." she replied, still focused on the paper in front of her. I kicked her leg under the table and she looked up, realising what she said.

"She almost did what?" Beth cried.

Nice one Lara. I was so telling everybody about her crush on Emma Vanity, as promised.

I stared at Lara who shook her head before answering.

"It was nothing really." she went back to her paper again, attempting to look unconcerned.

Beth grabbed the magazine within two seconds, making Lara jump in her seat.

"It doesn't sound like nothing." She hissed and looked with widened eyes between me and Lara until I responded.

"They had a little dispute a while ago. I don't know about what."

"Then how do you know it happened?" Beth eyed me with suspicion.

I hated this.

"I was there, just in time to prevent them from duelling each other."

As expected Beth looked at me with disappointment in her olive coloured eyes.

"Why didn't you tell me this?" her voice sounded vague.

"I didn't want to tell you, because you've been working so hard getting over him." I laid my hand over hers and a small smile was brought to her lips. She was about to say something when the arrogant ass came up behind her seat.

"Is that so?" he frowned at her and I could feel her hand freeze under mine.

 _Perfect Sirius, just perfect._ I glared at him but he just smiled my way. Beth's eyes were immediately filled with panic, she did not know how to respond to this unexpected appearance. So I answered in her place.

"And what do you want?" I said without looking his way.

"Hi there, Alissa. I was just wondering if I could have a minute alone with your friend Beth." his cocky smile still spread across his face.

"Actually, no." Lara jumped in.

That clearly wasn't the answer he had planned for, his eyebrows raised and his mouth pursed until he regained his confident countenance.

"Then I guess I must talk to you in front of your friends as well." He laid his eyes on Beth, who swung around so fast her hair almost hit Lara in the face.

"Go ahead." She spat, trying her best to sound careless.

"First, I'm sorry if I may have hurt your feelings at the start of the semester. I clearly wasn't thinking straight." he looked down at his feet, causing his long hair fall over the side of his face. "And I would love to make it up to you."

Oh, please, stop this torture. I stared at Beth, wishing she would make the right choice by sending his sorry ass away. But of course she didn't.

"How come?"

He bit his lip while seducing her with those enchanting eyes of his.

"You may say someone gave me an important lecture about my way of hurting people." he didn't look my way but I could still sense the remark he made.

"And what did you learn from that lecture?"

Somehow I felt proud, she didn't make it too easy for him.

"What I did to you was mean, and that I'm sorry." the puppy eyes were back and I knew Beth would fold under.

"And how will you make up for it?" Her voice was no longer vigilant.

"For starters, I would love to invite you, and your friends to my birthday celebration next Friday night." he looked my way for just an instant, but I saw the tantalising in his gaze.

Did he just use Beth's affection for him to make me come to his stupid party?

He couldn't be serious, that was way out of line.

"I'll think about it, and then get back to you." she answered, turning back to her original position.

"Lovely. Can't wait to hear from you. Bye for now, ladies." He made a bow before averting from our table.

Beth's cheeks turned pink, and she pulled her hand through her thick hair in panic.

"Oh, my..." was all she could say and before any of us answered I got up from my seat. He wouldn't get away with this. "Alissa, where are you going?" she continued in confusion.

"I'm just..." I looked to the entrance just in time to see his slim back disappear behind the doors. "I'll be back within two minutes."

They both looked after me with confusion but added nothing further when I stormed off towards the entryway.

I saw him the second I stepped into the hallway, standing together with his friends and some Gryffindor gals, and to my big surprise Lily Evans was one of them. But I didn't have time to reflect about that, I was simply here in berate-Sirius Black-business.

"I'm telling you Pads, you're getting yourself into trouble." James stated, patting his shoulder.

"I'm afraid I'll have to agree with James on this one." Lily interjected with her kind and pleasant voice. James smiled at her in delight. "Oh don't flatter yourself because I agreed with you, this one time."

"Well fellas, I guess I can't help myself." Sirius shrugged his shoulders and flicked his hair backwards, making him look more arrogant than he already did.

"Don't come running back to me when this gets out of control." A humble voice spoke from behind him, and by the look on Remus Lupin's face, he had been dealing with this sort of things too many times.

They didn't see me approaching so to announce my presence I cleared my throat, making them all look my way.

"Ms. Fione, what a pleasure." James cried out, letting go of Sirius' shoulder after giving him a slight push.

Was that meant to say something?

"Yeah, hi James." I put on a smile. "Do you mind if I borrow your friend for a minute?" I nodded the way Sirius was standing and James had a hard time not grinning.

"Of course. But promise me you will return him to us later!"

"I promise." I murmured, grabbing hold of Sirius' shirtsleeve, dragging him away from the small gathering. Somehow, this felt way too familiar. I didn't let go until we were out of earshot.

"Mind telling me why you're hurting my precious shirt?" he asked, still smiling arrogantly.

"Mind telling me, why you're such a blockhead?" I replied harshly. His eyes widened but his annoying grin was however in its place.

"I beg you pardon?"

"You know what I'm talking about."

Anger filled my body once again in his bloody presence. He seemed to trigger my temper by just being in the same area as me.

"I'm sorry Alissa, but I don't."

I didn't know whether I wanted to punch him or jump him, he made my inside go nuts both ways.

"Fine. Maybe this will clear your memory." I stepped closer, eyeing him. He didn't move an inch, instead he stared right back. "You're using Beth to get me to come to your stupid party?"

He blinked slowly and took a deep breath, then he leaned in even closer, so that our faces were now only inches apart.

"Are we back to this now, Fione? You being jealous of your friend?"

I swear to Merlin, this man was pushing my patience more than my own sister. And I regretted ever thinking the thought of me caring about him, his pompous ass clearly didn't deserve it.

"And what makes you think that I'm jealous? Wasn't I the one to turn down your invitation in the first place?"

His eyes pierced mine, the intensity in his stare made my heart beat heavy.

How could it be? That someone that made me so furious also made me crazy-mad filled with desire?

"Oh I don't know, maybe the fact that your heart is currently running wild inside your chest?" _How could he possible know that?_ "Or the fact that you right now, even how much you try to deny it, want to kiss the hell out of my blockhead face?"

He caught me completely of guard, making me stand there like a complete idiot. Wasn't I the smart and witty Ravenclaw out of us two? Clearly not right now.

"Shut up." Was all I could utter. My voice sounded faint from all the desire that currently ran wild inside of me.

I was the lousiest friend of all time, wasn't I? I tried to do something good for Beth, but instead I got myself deeper into the claws of Sirius Black's sexiness.

"Is that all you have to say?"

"Yes." I spat, wishing I never had left the Great Hall in the first place. My plan to scold him clearly didn't go as planned.

To my great fear, Sirius moved his hand up to my face, placing his thumb on my burning skin, ridiculously close to my lower lip.

What was he doing? Didn't he have any sense of private space?

"I'm sorry, that I always seem to upset you in one way or another." he spoke softly, his eyes glowing. "But I can't help myself."

Even how much I liked the touch of his skin upon mine, I had to shake his hand off me. I had a boyfriend for crying out loud.

"Well, maybe you must try harder."

A smiled appeared on his rep lips.

"Fine." he agreed. "I'll try harder not to be this appealing, if you promise me to come to my party." he tilted his head backward, showing off his perfectly shaped neck, with a three-days old black stubble on his sharp jaw.

I stopped myself from licking my lips in satisfaction from the view in front of me and without thinking straight I called out.

"Fine!"

A big smug grin spread across his lips, and within a second he had leaned in close again.

"I knew you would come around." Then he gently pressed his plump lips against the blushing skin on my cheek, giving it a soft kiss before leaving me once again, standing frozen in confusion.

There was no way I could return to Beth and Lara in the state I was currently in, so instead I rushed my way towards the northern tower, trying my best not to touch the burning spot where I still could feel Sirius tender lips on my skin.


	14. Fourth of November

**Chapter fourteen.**

The fourth of November, the day after Sirius Black's well known seventeenth birthday, and the day of his legendary party. If I knew then what this night would have in store, I might have thought differently about going to the celebration, _but little did I know._

The girls and I sat in our dorm, passing around a pocket flask of Firewhiskey we had filled up during our last visit to Hogsmeade. The time was almost half past nine, and our nerves were building up by the minute.

"Merlin, aren't you excited?" Beth jumped at her seat.

I passed the hip flask over to Lara who gladly took it to her dark painted lips. She was so stunning this evening. Her hair settled in a loose bun on the top of her head, and lose strands of curls hung down framing her diamond shaped face. Her lack of makeup highlighted her otherwise hidden freckles. _Damn, my best friend was a beauty._

"Actually, I am." I nodded while I straightened my wine-red crushed velvet dress over my thighs. This dress was definitely one of the sexiest garments I owned. I had protested loudly when Lara first suggested me to wear it, _suggested was a understatement, ordered was more like it._ But when I had put the dress on and looked at myself in the mirror, I couldn't bring myself to take it off. I looked freakin' dashing.

 _Not that I was trying to impress a special someone, not at all. Wasn't a girl allowed to dress up in her nicest dress without any intentions, whatsoever?_

Lara grimaced when the Firewhiskey hit her tastebuds, and let out a light growl.

"I really hope there's more to drink at the party, because if this is the only thing they're serving, I'm not getting drunk tonight." she raised the flask, eying it with disgust.

"Don't be such a wuss. Tonight you're keeping the same level as me." I grabbed the Firewhiskey out of her hand and took a sip. The liquid burned in my throat, and I immediately felt the excitement kick in. This was our first time going to a party in the school, and our first time inside the Gryffindor-common room. _Some time has to be your first, right?_

"Are you ready to go?" Beth said, and gotten up from her seat on her bed. She wore a black satin-blouse and a deep blue skirt, her hair was tied into a long tassel with a black ribbon, which matched her blouse.

When I looked at her, all dressed up and excited I couldn't help but feel bad. She was going to that party tonight, hoping to get another shot at snogging the main person of the evening, when I secretly knew what his plan had been all along. But still, I got up and joined her through the door. Regardless how bad that made me as a friend, I looked forward to spend the evening together with a whole bunch of drunk seventh years, maybe this would be the night I got out from my tedious shell.

We arrived at the Gryffindor- common room just in time to see the birthday boy down a full bottle of beer in the middle of the crowded room. People were howling and clapping hands, cheering him on and when the bottle was emptied he dropped it to the floor, letting out a loud roar. His laughter filled the entire room and I could swear my heart skipped a beat at the sound.

"Wow. This is going to be a hell of a night, I can tell." Lara whispered, making me and Beth nod in agreement. It sure would.

Sirius let out a loud grunt when something hit him in the head.

"Hey, Peter, that's not very nice." He shouted towards the right of the room, that were out of our sight. "James, pass me another beer, would you?" He turned to the left, reaching out against a large table, filled with bottles and bowls of different punches. Behind the table stood James Potter, getting served Firewhiskey right from the bottle by no other than Lily Evans.

 _Where they a thing now? I'll be damned. Miracles do happen I guess._

"Lily, for fucks sake!" Sirius called out. "Don't get him too drunk. Then who's supposed to act as bartender all night?"

Lily rolled her eyes but puted the bottle down.

"Fine, master." She hummed, picking up another bottle of beer and threw it his way. When he grabbed it he casually looked our way, and within a second a huge smile had formed on his lips. He opened the bottle and started to walk towards us, and my insides went crazy. But I succeeded to at least look careless.

"Good evening ladies." He bowed before our feet and Beth let out a giggle. "I'm glad you could make it." he took Beth's hand in his and gave it a kiss.

 _Just, don't._ I thought in irritation.

"We're happy to be here." she smiled.

He turned to Lara, who didn't smile at all.

"I think we haven't actually introduced ourselves." He reached out his hand and she shook it.

"I guess we haven't."

"I'm Sirius."

She grinned.

"I know. I'm Lara."

"Well, I knew that too. But, hello Lara, nice to have you here."

Was it the alcohol that made him this polite? Because he sure wasn't acting like the man I had been seeing the last couple of weeks.

They let go of each other's hands and he looked my way. This time he neither kissed my hand or shook it, he simply nodded my way.

"Alissa."

"Sirius." I replied in the same tone as him.

"Pleasure."

I didn't answer, just grimaced and looked away. His eyes stayed on me for a couple more seconds before he continued.

"Can I get you girls something to drink? We've got punch, beer and a whole load of Firewhiskey."

"As long as you don't serve us Firewhiskey I'm happy with anything." Lara stated.

"Punch it is. I'll be back in a minute." He turned away and walked gracefully towards where James was filling up cups with a scary looking blue coloured liquid.

Beth let out a loud sigh, gazing after him with dreamy eyes.

"He's just so..." she couldn't even complete the sentence.

"Don't bother going there Beth. Remember what we've talked about." Lara warned her. We had been going through this at least ten times today, Beth was _not_ going to fall for his charm once more.

"But, how can you not _go there?"_ She said with hunger in her voice, Lara just shook her head.

"Maybe, it's because I'm gay. But I just don't see it."

I smiled.

"You're crazy." Beth replied while gazing around the room.

"Beth, are you planning on passing on that flask?" I asked, nodding towards her purse where the pocket flask of Firewhiskey was lying.

"Are you nervous, Alissa?" Beth opened the purse and winked at me when she handed me the bottle.

"Oh no, I'm never uncomfortable in these sort of situations." The sarcasm could be heard from across the room.

"You'll do fine." Lara smiled and laid a hand on my lower back when she suddenly gave out a happy noise. "Sarah's already here!" she pointed out, and I knew that was her way of asking for my permission to leave us for now.

"Go. I'll see you later."

She gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and gave Beth a pat on her shoulder before jumping towards the girl who seemed to have made a new person out of her. I couldn't help but grin like a complete idiot when I watched them embrace each other like they hadn't met in weeks.

"She's a lucky bastard." Beth groaned, also eyeing them.

"She deserves this." I stated, while opening the flask and bringing it to my mouth. The nervosity filled my whole body, from my head to my toes. I wasn't the shy type, but I usually didn't spend time with this many unknown people either. And I usually didn't feel forbidden things for the boy who held the party, therefore I took a large sip, hoping the alcohol would soon suppress my jitters.

"Here you go gals." Sirius returned with three cups filled with a light red beverage. He handed the first cup to Beth and then turned to where Lara had been standing. "Oh...Then I guess you'll have to drink for two, Fione." He winked and gave me the two full cups.

"Are you trying to get us drunk already?" I muttered. He let out a laugh, that made my insides go warm.

 _That sound could probably end wars if it came to it._

"I have no idea what you're talking about." he smiled, and reached out his own bottle and joined it together with one of my cups. "Cheers." he said before lowering his drink.


	15. Moral Destroyed

**Chapter fifteen.**

Music from the record player was filling the common room, some muggle music was playing, I figured. I liked the sound of it, some raspy voices sang about pretty girls and the beast of burden if I wasn't mistaken. I sat down in one of the comfy armchairs, sipping on another cup of punch. This time I had tried out the scary blue one, and it took me by surprise, the taste felt sour and made your face twitch, but in a positive way. _How strange that might sound._

Lara was still away somewhere, wrapped around Sarah like caramel paper around butterscotch and Beth had likewise disappeared from my sight. She was probably dancing some place on the swamped floor. So there I sat, alone, sipping on the tangy drink when someone sat down on the armrest next to me. I gazed up to the intruder and it was impossible to hide the beam that spread across my lips.

Sirius' hair was a complete mess, his eyes looked riotous after all the dancing and drinking, but the thing that made me smile most was the tie he had bound around his head. He looked like a complete moron, in an adorable way.

"Having fun are you?" I asked, trying my best not to give him the opportunity to see me smiling. He peered down on me from his seat, and his grin was bigger than I had ever seen it. I looked fixedly at his visible teeth and muttered to myself. _Does this man not have any flaws? It's not fair._

"I'm having a blast." he took my drink out of my grip, and before proceeding he took a sip. "And you? You looked a little lonely."

"There is nothing wrong with lonely." I responded, looking out over all the dancing bodies.

"Alissa, we're at a party for crying out loud. You're not supposed to be lonely at a party." he asserted and pushed me smoothly on the shoulder. I met his eyes and took my drink back.

"How great you turned up and saved me from my loneliness then." I hoped he could spot the sarcasm in my voice in spite of his current drunk state.

"You can always count on me, love." he smiled down at me and I had a hard time to grasp if he was being serious or just his normal mocking self. "Anyway, where have your friends run off to?"

"Actually, I have no idea."

"Bad for you, good for me." he lowered his voice, and I turned to glance at him.

"How come?" I wanted to know, on my guard.

"Because, now you will have to spend time with me, since I'm not gonna let you sit here all alone for the rest of the evening." he got up from his position on the armrest and reached out his hand to me. I examined it with skepticism, wasn't this taking things way too far? But then I saw the happy smirk on his lips, and before I knew it I allowed him to take my hand in his. Where did this side of him come from? He acted completely different from what I was used to, but I didn't complain.

 _You're a sinner Alissa, a big freaking sinner._

His hand felt warm against my skin, and I silently wished my hand wouldn't go all sweaty on my ass. He led us across the room, towards where James had been serving drinks all night. There were people everywhere, and Sirius did his best not to crash into every person we passed. It was impressive, how many people had turned up with no professors noticing, and I was still puzzled over how they had gotten all that liquor inside the school without getting in trouble. But then again, they were called The Marauders for a reason.

"Where are we going?" I hissed, hoping nobody would notice our intertwined hands, because that would make people talk.

"We're going here." he stopped us and pointed to a group of sofas behind the table with all the alcoholic fluid. "To play drinking games."

That didn't sound good at all. Drinking games always seemed to end up with people who shouldn't be making out, actually making out.

"Oh no, mister. I don't think so." I let out.

"I promise you I won't make you do anything you don't want to." he fluttered and then dragged me towards the red coloured sofas, where his friends were already settled. Some of them I knew the names of, there was Mary Macdonald, a gorgeous brunette who frequently was seen together with Lily Evans, who sat side by side to her now as well. Across their sofa sat another girl, Marlene I believed her name was and next to her was James Potter grinning our way when he saw us approaching. They all looked our way and Lily's eyes traveled to our intertwined hands, and I pushed his hand away. _Darn it._

"Hi Alissa!" James shouted over the loud music. I nodded his way and then looked at Sirius, who pointed towards the one empty sofa standing against the stone wall. We made our way past the others legs and feet, and then I sat down with Sirius next to me.

I knew how this must have looked, _I looked like his date._ It made me feel mighty uncomfortable but at the same time I was glad to spend some time with this nice version of him. The version that didn't smirk arrogantly all the time and the version that didn't annoy the crap out of me.

"So he got you here, finally." Lily said, smiling my way. "It's nice to have you here, Alissa." she continued.

Things started to feel more and more like; I'm the new girlfriend, meeting his friends for the first time. So to lose the tension I brought my cup up.

"Well, it's not every day you've got the chance to drink this much Firewhiskey on the school grounds. I wouldn't miss it for the world." Lily laughed and lifted her glass as well.

"Damn right. Cheers!"

Everybody joined in and the atmosphere immediately felt more pleasant and relaxed. I caught Sirius smiling my way and raised an eyebrow at him, but he just shook his head.

 _Something was going on with him._

"So, are you all ready for a round of would you rather?" Marlene cried out, sounding excited.

"Hell yeah." James answered, then starting up the game by asking Peter, who sat on his left side if he would rather become a rat forever or snuggle Severus Snape for ten minutes, and with that question asked the game was on.

"Sirius, would you rather; get immortality but never have sex again, or die young and get unlimited access to sex until the day you die?" James asked with a severe voice.

The man next to me took a deep breath, letting out a confused sound before responding to his best friend.

"Is there sex after death?" he frowned, taking a sip from the bottle in his hand.

 _Now we're asking the real questions._

James just stared at him in silence for a couple of seconds before bursting out.

"You're no fun to play with, Padfoot."

"Oh, I'm sorry, am I to much of a philosopher for you?" he sat his hand towards his chest in offence, "Where is Remus? He must have an answer to this important issue."

Nobody answered him, they all sat talking to the person next to them and he rolled his eyes.

"James!" he shouted, "Where's Remus?"

James turned his way in irritation. _They sure could drive each other nuts._

"I don't know mate. Aren't you the one supposed to keep track on your boyfriend?" he shrugged his shoulders, making Sirius groan in annoyance.

"That's not how you treat the birthday boy," he complained and turned to me, "Come, I've had enough of _this_." he said, pointing towards James, who sighed at the comment.

"And what if I'm having a good time here?" I asked.

"You'll have a better time with me alone, I promise." he said in a low voice, so that only I could hear. His words made my heart beat quicken, there was something tempting in the way he said it. And the desire I felt towards him and that beautiful body of his came crashing down over me, simply because of those words. He stood up and waited for me to do the same, which I did.

I didn't realise until now, what kind of power he had over me. If he wanted me to go somewhere, I simply obeyed. Wasn't that the reason I was at this party to begin with? It scared me, but at the same time it was fascinating.

We walked past his friends once again and I waved at them quickly before he dragged me inside the sea of drunk people. The music was louder up here and I felt tempted to stop him right in his step, and press myself against him in this crowd of intertwined bodies, but I contained myself.

 _Think about Beth. Think about Casper._ I argued with myself. I couldn't let one single person destroy my moral. But he sure made it difficult.

This time he lead us to the back of the room, where they had put all the chairs to make room for the dancing.

"Wait here." he said. "I'll be back soon."

I took a look around the room once again.

 _Where were the girls?_ I couldn't find them from the spot I was standing and maybe that wasn't a bad thing, considering my company.

"Alissa!" A voice called out from the crowd. I turned to face no other than Oliver Rickett, the Hufflepuff quidditch captain. A smile grew on my lips when he came up to me.

"Hi Oliver!"

"Nice to see you here." He stated, taking a sip from his cup.

"Yeah, I say the same. Had a good time so far?"

"Definitely. This is a hell of a party."

I nodded in agreement.

"It sure is."

"So, who're you here with?" He asked, looking around us for a familiar face.

"Beth and Lara, who seem to have disappeared from the surface of the earth."

He laughed.

"I see. It's hard keeping track on people in this mob." he sat his hand behind his neck, caressing it slowly. "Anyway, are you doing anymore readings before the Christmas break?"

"I don't know actually. Would you be interested?"

He lighted up at my question.

"You know we're always interested."

I let out a giggle.

"That's nice to hear, Oliver. I'll think about it."

"Great!" He let out, and then took another sip from his drink.

 _This was so awkward, and I had no idea how to make it better._

But to my delight he continued.

"While we're standing here talking, would you maybe like to dance?" He smiled at me, waiting for me to answer when someone cleared his throat beside me. I turned to my left, to find myself staring into the eyes of a slightly irritated Sirius Black.

 _Oh come on, don't be that freakishly jealous guy Sirius. Nobody likes that guy._

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but there is someone I would like you to meet, Alissa." He talked loud and slow to make sure Oliver heard.

"I see you're busy right now, Alissa. But I'm saving that dance for you if we happen to bump into each other later tonight." He smiled at me before turning around, back into the crowded floor.

"Got a thing for quidditch players, do ya?" He asked, looking down on his finger nails.

I rolled my eyes.

"Perhaps I do."

He wasn't completely wrong since Casper was on the Ravenclaw team, but that hadn't been any of the reasons I started dating him. Those sporty lads had never been my type of men. The reason I started dating Casper was simply for his kindness and _(don't call me vain now)_ his well built torso.

Sirius gasped for air before talking again.

"Anyway, I would like to introduce you properly to someone."

I smirked.

"Let me guess, it's your boyfriend isn't it?"

"Oh, he wishes he was." He replied in a cocky voice.

"Oh please," A voice from behind him let out, "Why do you always have to ruin my reputation?"

Sirius turned to the man behind him, who looked at him with tired eyes.

"Moony, if there is something I have _never_ done, it's ruining your reputation."

"Sure thing," he got up beside him and looked my way, "Hi, Alissa. Nice to see you."

"Hey Remus."

Sirius looked between us in confusion, which made us both laugh in amusement.

"You two are already on first name basis?"

I nodded, and Remus joined in.

"How come I didn't know this?" Sirius eyed his friend.

"I'm sorry to tell you this, darling, but I don't tell you every tiny detail about my life." He patted him on his shoulder and I giggled when I saw Sirius' face turn even more confused.

In fact, Remus and I had been studying together on several occasions during the years. Though we had never spent time together outside the library. Perhaps we had if he hadn't kept company with the worst trouble makers of the school.

"Remus, how can you have kept our relationship from him all this time?" I gasped, looking choked. He joined in on the joke.

"I'm a pretty good secret keeper." He winked at me, making Sirius groan in vexation.

"Fine, I get it. You two have obviously spent time together, yada yada," he sat his hand upon Remus face and pushed him backwards, "Then you don't serve any purpose here anymore. Away with you."

"I'll see you around, Alissa." He shouted as he turned around laughing at his friend's behaviour.

 _Maybe I enjoyed this jealous Sirius slightly too much?_ But it sure made me feel good inside.

"Mind telling me what you two have going on together?" He frowned, biting his lower lip in frustration.

"Why? Are you jealous, Black?" I smirked, happy to return the taunt he had been making far too many times now.

"I'm never jealous, love." he answered, trying his best to look arrogant, but he failed completely. Maybe it was the alcohol making him appear softer, or the fact that we were at his successful party, but something was clearly different about his approach this evening.

I looked at him for a long time without uttering a word. His hair had fallen back into it's normal state and his tie was now back around his neck, but his shirt was still unbuttoned at the top, making his bare skin visible for my gaze. When he caught me staring at him he didn't smile at first, he just simply stared back at me in complete silence, then his lips grew into a faint smile.

"What are you thinking about there, Fione?" he asked in a low, raspy voice.

 _Merlin, his voice was tempting._

"Nothing special." I looked away from him, turning to gaze over the room.

"I know it's something. I can see it in those beautiful eyes of yours."

 _Kiss ass;_ I thought, but my body betrayed me, when my lips turned into a smile once more.

"Well..." I stopped myself. Was I really on my way to give him a compliment? Sirius Black? I must be out of my mind.

"Well?" He asked. Poking me with his finger in the side.

"It just occurred to me..." I bit my lip and looked back at him. His dusky eyes were glowing in the dark area we were standing in, "How nice it is to see you with your friends."

"I'll be damned. Did you just say something nice to me?"

"I guess I did." I crossed my arms over my chest.

 _I would probably regret this later on._

He stepped closer towards where I was standing, his eyes still intense and glowing.

"You know, I'm really glad you came here tonight." he leaned in closer so that he could talk into my ear without anyone else hearing what he said.

This was the closest he had been all night and I felt a wave of pleasure through my body when his well known scent hit me.

"How come?" I tried my best not to sound to longing. I knew the last thing I wanted to do right now was to lead him on, because I wasn't sure I would be able to stop myself if things went too far.

 _What kind of girlfriend was I? This wasn't like me at all._

And before I knew it, all the annoyance I felt towards the man beside me came rushing back. Who was he to turn me into a bad person?

"This might be the alcohol talking, but I've enjoyed spending time with you tonight."

 _Ugh, please, shut up._

"Yeah, that's probably the alcohol." I murmured. Making his eyes turn in confusion at the tone in my voice.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

 _No, I'm not and it's all your fault._

"Yes, perfectly fine, thank you."

He laid a hand on my lower back, trying to comfort me. He obviously understood something was wrong.

"No, you're not."

"Congratulations on figuring that out." I spat. Feeling like a huge hypocrite, because of this turn of emotions.

"Hey..." He took his hand off my back and laid it under my chin, turning my face up so he could look me straight in the eyes. "What just happened?"

 _You triggered my temper with your sexiness, mister, that's what just happened._

"Sirius, just...ugh." I sighed in frustration.

"What, Alissa?" His voice turned into irritation.

"Nothing."

"Don't go ' _nothing'_ on my ass. Something clearly made you upset just now, and I'm simply trying to comfort you."

"Maybe that's the problem." I replied quickly. Making his eyes twitch at the despite in my voice.

How could I let this happen? Why on earth had I spent the whole evening with him, and worse, _enjoyed it._ How could I put myself and the people close to me in this position? It was beyond me. I felt so ashamed.

"I really don't understand what's going on right now, but I'm sure I haven't been anything but polite to you this evening. So don't come blame me for whatever you're feeling right now." He spat, still holding my face up with his hand.

We stared into each other eyes for a couple of long seconds before I looked away. He was right, I wasn't being fair, but I couldn't help it.

"You're right. It's not your fault."

 _Technically, it still was but that I couldn't explain to him without admitting how I felt towards him._

"Thank you." He said, letting go of my chin. "You want to go to a more private place, talking it out?" he suggested.

"I don't think my boyfriend would approve of that."

He shut his head back, letting out a heavy sigh.

"Right, Babyface. How could I forget?"

"Don't call him that." I proclaimed.

"Right, I'm sorry. I guess he's a stud in the sheets, despite the cuddly, missionary aura he sends out." he said, mockingly.

And once more I felt my temper rising. Who the fuck did he think he was judging other people without any information on the subject?

"You know what, Sirius, I can't stand another minute in your presence." my words clearly choked him, because he didn't let out another word before I promptly walked away from him. But before I made my way through the crowded dance floor I turned around again, spitting out the last words.

"Happy Birthday."


	16. A Visit in the Dark

**Chapter sixteen.**

I rushed through the mass of sweaty, drunk students so fast I nearly slipped on all the spilled drinks on the floor. I needed to get out of here so bad, anxiety and guilt was building up fast inside my chest, making it hard for me to breathe. I was almost at the entrance when a voice called out my name.

"Alissa!" Beth shouted. "Where are you going?"

I stopped, took a deep breath and then turned her way. I didn't want her to see how miserable I was.

"I'm going to bed."

"Why? Are you okay?" She asked, looking rather worried.

"Yes, I'm just drunk and tired." That wasn't a complete lie. I _was_ drunk and I _was_ tired.

"Okay. You want me to come with you?"

 _Merlin no, you're the last person I can spend time with right now._

"I just want to get to bed. I'll see you tomorrow. Have fun!" I blew her a kiss, hoping it would look natural. She must have bought it because she smiled my way and winked before getting back into the crowd.

I got out through entrance, embracing the silence that surrounded the sleeping castle. Then I suddenly heard the entrance open again, but when I turned to look at it, there was no one to be seen.

 _That's weird._

But I didn't have much more time to think about it, I was in bad need of my own bed. My mind wandered when I strolled through the empty corridors, and my temper sank more and more the closer I got to the Ravenclaw tower and by the time I entered the common room, it all appeared like a dream in my head. Maybe I could shake this night of of me after all, perhaps I could suppress the memories of Sirius' company and go on with my life. I didn't necessarily have to be a bad friend or girlfriend.

I stepped inside our silent dorm, and let out a heavy sigh. _What a night._ The door shut behind me with a loud thud, and I took off the necklace from around my neck, laying it down on my nightstand.

I took my nightgown from the end of the bed and slipped out of the velvet dress I was wearing. It fell to the floor and I quickly put the nightdress on my naked chest. The silk felt nice against my warm skin, and I laid down on the bed.

My heart was still beating hard, but I couldn't figure out if it was because of the alcohol still running through my veins or because of that black haired Casanova I had just run away from. I decided it didn't matter, I was a safe distance away from him and I promised myself I would keep myself on that safe distance for the rest of the year. With that thought running through my mind I closed my eyes, hoping to fall asleep rapidly.

I woke by the sound of someone whispering my name through the dark. I may have been sleepy, but I could tell the voice belonged to neither Lara or Beth. The whisper belonged to a man, that much I figured. It seemed to come from the right side of my bed and I looked that way in slight fear.

In the dark I saw a small shadow, approaching my bed. And the closer it got, the more I recognised the silhouette of the whisperer. His long hair hung over the side of his face, and a smug grin was spread across his red lips.

 _Sirius Black, in my dorm, half past two in the middle of the night. Great, just great._

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I whispered, still shaking from fear.

"I had to see you."

I sat my hand over my face, letting out a loud moan. He couldn't be serious. This was crazy. He was obviously out of his mind.

"But, how did you even get in?" I shook my head in confusion. Still not sure if this was a very realistic dream or not.

"I have my ways. I thought you knew that already." he spoke in a low voice, that fitted the darkness of the room perfectly.

"I, you," I stuttered, struggling to find the right words to say. "You're out of your mind, Sirius." I finally uttered, making him laugh.

"Yes, that I am." he stepped closer, taking a seat at the end of the bed.

I was so confused. Why was he here? And more importantly, _how did he get in?_

"I'm sorry if I woke you." He continued.

"I'm glad you did. This would be a hundred times more creepy if you hadn't woken me up." I let out, making him laugh again.

His warm laugh seemed to fill the room, and I hated it.

"Tell me, Alissa, why did you run of like that?"

I laid my head down on my pillow, looking up at the blue sky-like cealing. _Yeah, why did I?_

"I'm afraid I can't answer that question."

"Unsure of what you're feeling, are you?" He said, his mouth still in a smug grin. And without any warning he crawled up the bed, so that he sat down next to me.

 _Sirius Black is currently sitting on your bed. What do you do Alissa?_ I asked myself but didn't get a good answer. I mainly focused on not staring at him, because if I did, I knew what kind of thoughts I would trigger.

"Yes." I gasped.

"Are you mad at me?" he asked.

"Yes." Was all I could say. What did he think? He had just sneaked into my dorm, and he wasn't even a freaking Ravenclaw. McGonagall's punishment for this would not be merciful if he got caught.

"Well, I'm sorry."

"What exactly are you apologising for? The fact that you've sneaked into my dorm in the middle of the night or the fact that you're using my friend so that you have the chance to spend more time with me?"

He looked at me with his beautiful grey eyes for a long time and then he lowered his head closer to mine.

"Both, I guess." And then he did that freakin thing were he bites his lower lip and it drove me crazy. This was not good, not good at all. "But technically, I'm not exactly _using_ your friend. I've only invited her to my party, which, if you ask me, is rather innocent."

"You are an arse, Sirius Black."

"Remus tells me that at least three times a day. You could say that I'm used to it."

He smiled childishly and winked at me. Such a flirt, this one. I rolled my eyes at him but it only made him smile even more.

"Come on, you're happy that I'm here."

I was not. At least that's what I was telling myself.

"No, that I am _not_. Because you do know what kind of trouble we're facing here, don't you?"

"Well, yes. But I'm used to trouble too." he flashed off one of those crooked smiles that I happened to adore, I hated it. I let out a heavy sigh. This man and his rebellious rants would be the end of me.

"Can I just ask you one question?"

"Sure." I sighed.

"If you think I'm such an arse, why haven't you kicked me out of your bed yet?" He raised his eyebrows and stared into my eyes. To my disadvantage his question took me completely of guard. And before I knew it a small smile was formed at my lips. "What is that I see? A smile?"

He moved his face closer to mine, I could smell his breath now and I knew I had to stop him before things would develop any further. But the look in his eyes stopped me from both moving and talking, he had me completely under his spell. Darn you Sirius Black.

"You know..." He spoke as he stroke a piece of hair away from my chin. "You're kind of an arse too."

Before I could protest he had his lips just millimeters from mine. I could almost taste the softness of his mouth and my breath got heavier. If I could I wanted to freeze this moment, and relive these seconds of pure intensity and lust over and over again. I could feel his desire to press his lips hard against mine and that moment was almost better than the actual kiss. He lowered his head so that I could feel his skin on mine and was just about to press his damn lips to mine when there was a loud knock on the dorm door.

"Bloody hell." Sirius breathed frustrated before rolling off me to the other side of the bed. I got up with a irritated moan and turned to the freakishly handsome man on my bed.

"You stay here and you don't move!" He nodded and froze in his position.

I carefully opened the door, already knowing who I would find standing outside.

"Casper." I spoke faintly. What did he do up this late?

"Hi." he addressed uncomfortable. "When did you get back from the party?" he wondered.

"An hour ago, maybe. I'm not sure."

Something in his eyes made my stomach twitch in guilt.

"Did you have a good time?"

I nodded, but didn't say anything. He was clearly on his guard and considering who currently laid on top of my bed I didn't want to wake his suspicious further.

 _Worst girlfriend ever. At least I hadn't kissed someone else, yet._ I thought, making my chest burn in remorse.

"Can I come in?" He let out, a small glimpse of hope growing in his sight.

"Beth isn't feeling very well, and she needs me, I'm afraid. I'm sorry."

 _Liar, liar, pants on fire._

 _"_ I understand." he said, clearly disappointed. "By the way, you never told me who invited you to the party. Who did invite you?" he frowned.

"Ehrm, James." I stuttered. "Potter."

"Right. Funny guy," he looked down at his feet. "Well, I'll leave you to it. Good night." and without warning he leaned in and kissed me, hard and long. I got the feeling he tried to make a point, as if he knew someone else had also tried to snuggle me this evening. When he finally ended the kiss my breath had gotten heavy, and my head spun.

He went back to the boys dormitories, leaving me in the door opening. I waited a couple of seconds before I closed the door behind me.

 _What just happened?_

I went back to the bed to find Sirius smirking, with a cocky look in his eyes.

"What?" I let out.

"So, James invited you?" he raised an eyebrow and then sat up from his laying position.

 _Gah, I enjoyed the sight of his body upon my bed way too much._

"Oh, shut it."

He just chuckled at my bad response, and stood up from the bed, taking three graceful steps towards me. But he didn't stop when he got up in front of me, instead he pushed me backwards, forcing me to stand up against the wooden door behind me. He rested his hand on the side of my head, and I was immediately drawn back to the last time we had been in this situation.

"Alissa..." he whispered, his voice filled with hunger.

"Yes?" I breathed.

"I know what you think of me, that I'm a complete arse, who uses people's feelings to get what he wants," he continued, his intense eyes pierced mine. "But I just want you to know, that I'm so much more than that."

 _Oh, just shut up and kiss me your bastard._ My head screamed.

"Sure." I hissed, confused over all the conflicting feelings that run through my body. I still despised him for his bad behaviour and his way of treating people, but at the same time I adored him for his self confidence and his bravery. And his bloody body, _that drove me crazy._

"I do not wish to complicate things for you, but I'm selfish." he licked his lips when he looked down on my half opened mouth, that was eager to feel his skin upon it. "And right now, I simply don't care about anything else than your trembling body against mine, and I'm sorry if that puts you in a difficult position."

"Sirius..." my voice was now shaking.

"Yes?" He breathed against my lips.

"Can you please, just, shut up."

And the second I let out those words his lips pushed against mine, his free hand went up through my hair, pressing me hard against him. His lips moved harshly against mine and I let out a moan, which only made him kiss me rougher.

The feeling of his body against mine I had been fantasising about for weeks now, made my skin burn with lust, and my head spin in complete satisfaction. This kiss was the perfect balance between hatred and desire.

My hand traveled up on his back but he quickly grabbed it and pushed it up against my head, towards the hard surface. He was in complete control over this situation and there was nothing I could do apart from letting him steer me. I heard his breath getting heavy under my lips and his heart was pounding hard against my chest. I felt eager to rip that bloody shirt off of his chest, but it was impossible for me to move out of his strong grip. His lips traveled down my jaw, to my neck and I leaned my head back against the door.

 _Merlin, if this is a sin, then I want to be a sinner._

His lips caressed my sensitive skin, but he was careful not to leave any marks.

 _Good boy._

"Bloody hell..." He whispered between his teeth, and pressed his lips hard against my collarbone. Making me shiver under his touch. I could feel my nipples stiffen and I caught the smirk that spread across his lips when he noticed too. "Now we're in trouble, love." he whispered, straightening his head back up.

"Mhm." I answered with my eyes closed. I didn't want him to stop.

"I better go." he breathed before kissing my lips again, this time with tenderness.

 _So he could do both. That's interesting._

"Yes, you should." I complained, not willing to let him go just yet. I hadn't felt as alive as I did right then and there, in years.

"I probably shouldn't even have come." He whispered into my ear, making me shiver once more.

"You definitely shouldn't have. But now the damage is done."

We stared into each other's eyes, both breathing heavy and slow.

"The damage is done, indeed, and now I'm afraid I can't let this go." his eyes turned intense.

"Then don't." I let out.

He grabbed my shoulders and gently pushed me to the side, so that he got room to slip out the door. Before opening the door he looked my way one last time, uttering the words that would haunt me for days.

"Next time, I'm not stopping until we're finished." then he disappeared into the the dark common room, the door slowly closing behind him.

 _Holy fuck. fuck._ ** _fuck_** _ **.**_ _I was in so much trouble._


	17. Chamomile Tea

**Chapter seventeen.**

It was silent inside the Three Broomsticks when Lara and I sat down in the back of the pub with two mugs of butterbeer.

It was Monday and the afternoon Transfiguration class had been cancelled because of urgent Dumbledore-business, as McGonagall had described it. We did not understand what that meant, but our guesses were politics.

"So, tell me. Why did you take me here, and why do you act like we're being chased by dementors?" Lara frowned when we had gotten ourselves comfortable at the table.

I looked fixedly at her, then gazed around us to be certain no one else could overhear us. After I was assured our conversation wasn't being heard by someone unsuitable for the subject, I told her about my little adventure with Sirius Black from Friday night.

When I had finished, Lara just sat with her mouth wide open for a good ten seconds before uttering a word.

"This is wicked. Totally fucking wicked." She gasped.

"Well, shit, I know." I placed my hands on the table, causing the foam from my untouched butterbeer to drop down on my fingers. _Ugh._

 _"_ I'm not exactly shocked, though. I realized this would occur sooner or later, but I didn't expect it to happen _so_ soon."

"You _knew_ this would happen?" I eyed her, looking both disturbed and smug at the same time. This was a typical Lara comment.

"Yeah, _duh_. I knew the first time you told him off outside potions class." A crooked smile grew on her lips.

"How could you possibly come to that conclusion? And more importantly why didn't you tell me?" I hissed. I wasn't angry with her at all.

 _Maybe just a little._

"Oh please, it could be seen from across the castle. Sparks were flying, I'll tell you. And to be fair, I thought I would have more time. I'm sorry," She paused, and when I didn't answer, she went on, "What are you going to do? Tell Casper?"

"I have to, right?"

She took a sip, and I could see her think about my words.

"There is more than one heart at stake here, you know." she declared.

"Beth..." I sighed.

This was such a goddamn mess. I wasn't used to being in these kind of circumstances.

Lara nodded but before she could say anything further, someone came up to our table from out of the blue. I looked up on no other than James Potter, who glanced at us with an apologetic expression in his eyes.

"I'm so sorry to intrude. But may I have a word with you, Alissa?" he asked, looking my way. I gazed around him to be assured he was here alone, which he was.

"Ehm, yeah, sure?" I replied, puzzled by the situation.

Lara drank the last of her butterbeer and got up from her seat.

"Please, have a seat," she pointed him towards her now empty chair and turned to me, "I'll pay a visit to Tomes & Scrolls, come find me when you're done?"

I nodded, and she disappeared outside the pub. When the door slammed behind her I turned towards James, who had settled himself down in front of me.

"Can I get you a cup of tea?" he offered, smiling.

I tried my best not to look upon him with too much mistrust, but wasn't this odd? James Potter asking to buy me tea? Something I never imagined happening.

"Yes, who says no to a free cup of tea?" I said after a while, shrugging my shoulders. He smiled once more and swung around to walk up to the bar where Rosmerta was cleaning glasses. He returned two minutes later with two hot cups.

"I got you chamomile, I hope that's fine. You seem like a chamomile kind of person." he said when he placed down the smoking cup in front of me.

 _I was a chamomile, peppermint, ginger, lemongrass, viola- type of person. The list could be made longer._

"What gave me away?" I laughed.

"I can't put my finger on it, but you seem like a person in need of calming your nerves with some chamomile now and then." he winked at me.

"You're not wrong." I nodded, and he sat down once again.

His hair was a complete mess, as always, and his Gryffindor tie was nowhere to be seen. There was something about ties with him and his friends as if the item would suffocate them the second they knotted it around their necks.

"So," I continued, "To what do I owe this pleasure?"

His eyes met mine, and I caught the perplexed look on his face before he spoke.

"Well, I'm not certain of what I'm supposed to say now, but I'm trying out this new concept called; Being a better person," he grinned and peered down on his hands which clutched the cup of tea in front of him. "Therefore, I felt the need to talk to you."

"About?" I asked, taking a sip from my mug. The heat from the tea burned my tongue and the flinch in my face made the man in front of me giggle in amusement. The sound surprised me, I had always seen James Potter as the type that burst out in a loud laugh instead of this cute little giggle he let out. But he suddenly became grave.

"I think you know what we need to discuss." He frowned.

Well, I did, but I didn't want to make it to obvious.

"I guess I do." Was all I said, and my heart pounded faster just by the thought of Friday nights forbidden activities, and the memory of Sirius uttering the words _next time,_ made my head spin.

 _Fucking traitor heart of mine._

 _"_ So, regarding what took place last Friday, I'm here to warn you. I think." He appeared to be mighty confused and I felt the same way. I was confused, really fucking confused.

This semester had taken a turn I didn't expect it to, and now I had no clue how to handle the mess I had made.

"Warn me?" I raised my brows.

"It's the wrong way to put it, but it's also the only way to put it. See my dilemma?"

I nodded, and then waited for him to continue. I was eager to hear his so called _warning._

"To be brief, I'll just say it," he inhaled a deep breath before continuing. "Don't fall for him, Alissa." his eyes pierced mine, making my cheeks blush. Did he just tell me not to fall for his best friend? That didn't bode well.

"Excuse me?" I stuttered.

"You heard me, don't fall for him." he repeated.

"I wasn't planning to." my voice had sunk low. Was it because of the embarrassment of the situation or because his exhortation took me off guard? I didn't know, but I did know what the discomfort in my stomach meant. His words had pained me.

"I'm not trying to make you feel bad, that's the last thing I want to do. But I need to protect my friend." he was quick to say when he sensed the dip in my voice.

"Protect him from what, exactly? It was one stupid kiss," I lifted my hands in frustration. Why did he think I would see it any other way? It was a stupid kiss and a huge mistake. "It was nothing, really, so why would I possibly _fall_ for him?"

James looked at me in astonishment.

"I didn't know you saw it that way, but if that's how you feel, it's good. I guess," his eyes wandered around the room, his lips pursed. "So you're not telling your boyfriend about what happened?"

His behaviour started to drive me bonkers. He said one thing, but then acted like he meant the complete opposite.

"No, I'm not." I stated, making him bite his lower lip in frustration.

 _What was up with him? Had he been smoking some fuzzy herb from herbology?_

 _"_ I'm glad you won't. It would be a shame destroying your relationship with Casper just because of a stupid kiss, right?"

For a minute I had a hard time figuring out if he had spoken to me or to himself. He was behaving so freaking strange.

"James, what's going on?" I finally let out in a harsh tone, commanding him to answer truthfully.

"It's just...he can't seem to shut up about it." he said, staring down into his tea cup.

"About what?"

He hesitated before bursting out.

"About you!"

 _Whoa. I didn't see that one coming._

James continued.

"He's acting strange, and it makes me worry about him. He's not as cocky as he appears, you know." he paused, debating with himself whether he had said too much.

"Is that why you're here?"

He looked up at me again.

"Yes."

"So, to sum this whole conversation up; you came here to warn me not to fall for Sirius, simply because his behaviour is freaking you out?"

"I totally failed this 'being a better person' thing, didn't I?" he sighed, putting on a smile.

"Your intentions were good, but you have succeeded to confuse me completely." I smirked at him and he laughed.

"I'm so sorry!" he said, tilting his head backwards.

"James, it's okay. You're just looking out for your friend, even though this might not be the best way to do it." I laughed and he rolled his eyes at me.

Then he reached for something in the pocket of his jacket.

"Do you want a peach pastille? They're really good."

 _What had this lad been smoking?_

"A peach pastille?" I laughed. "You're a weird fellow, James Potter, do you know that?"

He reached out his hand towards me, holding a small pack of orange pastilles, and smiled at me.

"So I've heard."

I grabbed a small candy piece and popped it into my mouth. The taste was sweet and fruity.

"Are we ready here then?" I asked, looking down at our emptied tea cups.

Not that I felt done with this subject at all, but I didn't want to talk about it with James anymore. He was way too close with Sirius, and I had a lot of thinking to do on my own before this day was over.

 _He can't shut up about me?_ What does that mean?

"I think we are," he got up from his seat and I did the same. He came up to where I stood and hugged me gently. "I apologise for my lack of ability to make sense, and I wish you good luck with everything. I'll see you around. Bye!" he smiled at me one last time before disappearing into the street outside.

I grabbed my coat and my scarf, putting them on slowly. This drama I had put myself in, it didn't feel real. Had I really kissed Sirius Black like that? And did I just share a conversation about it with his best friend?

Yes, yes I did, and it's my fucking job to handle this mess.

My mind wandered to Casper when I made my way out into the chilly street, the sun had just disappeared and the streetlights started to light up.

Could I still be with Casper despite what I had done? Did that make me an even bigger idiot or was it the best thing to do?

Would I be able to go on as usual after what happened friday night in my dorm? I had no idea.

The only thing I felt certain about, was the fact that I had to stay far away from Sirius Black and his seductive ways. I didn't care how many times his last words went on repeat in my head. He was bad news, bad, bad, bad.

It was only two months until the Christmas holidays, I could stand it that long. But somewhere in the back of my head I heard a voice call out; _you're a fool, Alissa. You're never going to make it._

 _Well, thanks for believing in me, subconscious mind._


	18. Grumpy

**Chapter eighteen.**

The following days passed as planned, I did avoid Sirius Black both in class and outside the classrooms, and I got the impression he was carrying out the same thing, which, I didn't mind. I spent time with Casper as usual and everything appeared ordinary, at least on the surface. Lara was careful to not bring up the elephant in the room, and I was forever thankful for her ability to calm me down.

On the inside I was slowly going crazy. The remembrance of his skin upon mine seemed to follow me around like my own shadow, which had a tendency to trigger all my bad sides. I acted more grumpy than Mr. Filch during christmas holidays, but I guessed the surrounding people, apart from Lara, assumed I was on _that time of the month._

Beth didn't suspect a thing, and her cheerful self made it way back after her two month long Sirius Black- crisis. I believed the birthday party had made her some good. She had spent the night dancing, laughing, and flirting with at least eight different students and none of them had been called Black.

 _Because we all know who he spent the night with? Don't we?_

"Good morning my cheerful troop of eager learners," Professor Sprout's merry voice rang out across the classroom. "Wake up you lazy oafs, I know full well it's early, but we have a lot of work to do today!" she shouted, making the half asleep students in the back jump in surprise. There was no in between with this lady. I loved it.

We were on our second class this Friday morning, first class was potions, and the hours in the dungeons had dragged by slowly. So I was excited for this herbology lesson, Sprout always kept the entire class alert.

"Now that I have all of your attention, I'll tell you what today's class will be about," she made sure everybody paid attention. "Today, I want you to go to the library and find as much information about Venomous Tentacula as you can. What it's used for, how it looks, characterises, how it smells. Everything. When you're done, you write everything you found down on the paper I'll hand you before you leave."

She lifted a bunch of parchments before proceeding.

"And to prevent you from not doing what you're supposed to I will pair you up two and two," She looked to someone in the back before continuing, "Yes Mr. Black, I'm talking to you."

"Hey." A tired voice from the back of the classroom called out.

A shiver made its way down my spine at the sound of his raspy voice. Can you imagine? A whole week with this nonsense happening as soon as he opened his damn mouth, or as soon as he walked past me, or as soon as he just happened to be in the same room as me. I couldn't stand it. All I wanted to do was to grab him by the robes and drag him to the closest corner of the castle, snogging him up real good.

But I had to act like the normal, boring and bitter Alissa, as usual. I had decided to remain the same, and not to be the next girl who gets stuck in the Black-trap. Even how tempting it was, to just let go of everything; every moral, every logical thought and every expectation about who I'm supposed to be and just follow what my body wanted me to do. It was tempting to just go a little crazy, to play by other's rules, just for once. But I didn't.

"Alissa, move!" Lara called out, and I realised I blocked the way for the queue that was forming behind me.

"Oh."

I rushed forward towards Professor Sprout who was waiting for me. In her hand she held a parchment with the assignment and in the other hand she held a folded little piece of paper. I secretly wished that the name on the paper would start with an S and end with a K.

 _I just need to be close to him, just for an hour or so._

"Here you go, love." she handed me the papers, and I stepped away from the line. I unfolded the little note and read the name written on it. _Lily Evans._ I could have got someone way worse. She's not only clever, but also one of the nicest people in this school. If you treated her right that is.

I scanned the room for the someone redheaded when Lara pinched my arm.

"Ay, why'd you do that for?" I fizzed.

"Look who my partner for today is." she faked a smile and showed me her note: _Sirius Black._ My eyes grew wide before I burst out laughing.

"Have fun!"

She grimaced at me before beginning the search for her partner, and I did the same.

I had little time thinking about the fact that Lara now had to spent two hours straight together with Sirius before I found Lily, standing together with Merlene outside the queue.

"Lily!" I shouted, and she looked my way. She gave me a quick wink and then kissed Merlene on the cheek before walking towards me.

"Hi partner." she smiled, while hugging her books against her chest. "Are you ready to go?"

I nodded, and we made our way out of the greenhouse, marching towards the library. Lily's long hair flew around her face when the strong wind crossed the courtyard and I pressed my arms close around my body, bloody November weather. Couldn't it snow already? We ran the remaining steps inside the castle and Lily let out a loud shudder.

"I hate this time of year!" she complained.

"Tell me about it."

We kept discussing weather and wind until we reached the entrance to the library. A lot of other students from our class had already arrived and were running around looking for the right books to read.

"Let's get to it then." I said, sounding anything but excited. At least I had one of the best in our class working with me, so maybe we would get the task done before the end of the period, unlike Lara and her not so devoted partner.


	19. Same Page

**Chapter nineteen.**

"So, tell me, what's going on between you and Sirius?" Lily looked up at me from the large book in her lap. We had been reading in silence the most of the first hour but this question had been laying in the air the whole time, making it hard for me to concentrate.

I dropped my quill down onto the desk and looked at the girl beside me with a leery expression on my face.

"Who told you, James?"

She smiled at me and flicked her long hair backwards.

"Oh darling, no one has told me a thing, especially not James. He's trying out this new thing, he calls it being a better person, I call it being less of an arse. But I'm not stupid." she raised an eyebrow.

"So I've heard. How's it working out for him? And I'm not sure I can speak about this," I said, keeping my voice down. "At least not here."

The room was filled with ears that would loved to get their hands on some juicy seventh year gossip.

"He's doing good, but enough about James. There's something going on between the two of you then?" her voice filled with thrill and her eyes lightened up, equally excited.

"Lily..." I grumbled, wishing she would just drop the subject. She opened her mouth to say something else but shut her mouth when she saw someone approaching behind me.

Merlin, no. Have mercy on me.

"Hello ladies." the smoky voice, associated with no other than Mr, Black called out. "How's the studying going?"

"Splendid. Thank you for asking, Sirius." Lily responded ironically before looking down into the book on her lap once again.

"And you, Fione?" he asked, making me look his way. "How are you doing?"

This was the first time since he left my dorm a week ago, that our eyes met for more than just a brief second. His dusky eyes looked lighter in the sunlight coming from the window across the room, and his hair was, for once, not tangled. It looked smooth as silk and framed his face in wavy perfection.

"I'm perfectly fine this particular hour." I replied, careful not to reveal any of the feelings I so desperately kept inside.

His eyes stayed on me when his study partner came up beside him. She grinned my way, not a bit of an apologetic look in her brown eyes.

Why would she possibly do this to me?

An awkward silence broke out, but I noticed the glance Lara gave the man beside her. Her eyes widened at him and he nodded, almost noteless, before looking at me again.

"Alissa, may I have a word?" he asked, not at all in his usual confident tone. I stared at him and then at Lara, who just nodded at me. What could they possibly have talked about? And why would Lara encourage me to talk to him when she knew I needed to avoid him as much as possible?

I thought to decline his request at first, but then my curiosity took over. The thing was, just because I needed to stay away from him didn't mean I wanted to.

"Sure." I replied shortly, and he pointed towards the entrance.

"Will you join me for a cigarette?"

Bloody hell, Sirius Black smoking would sure be the end of me.

"Fine."

We made our way outside the library in complete silence. I was careful not to look at his face, my heart was already beating fast, it didn't need any further triggering. So I stared at his back instead, today he was wearing a jumper over his white school shirt and I couldn't help but wonder what he would wear if we didn't require to wear school uniforms during classes. Probably his worn out leather jacket and a black t-shirt. The image of him in that kind of outfit made my body tingle in all kinds of places and I stopped that thought.

The wind had faded when we got outside the castle, but the temperature was still making me shiver. Sirius on the other hand didn't seem bothered by the cold at all, perhaps he was always warm. Like a dog.

"Where're we going?" I asked when he led us away from the castle.

"Somewhere private." He answered, sounding rather harsh. Something was obviously bothering him.

When he stopped we had been walking for a good five minutes and we were the only people in sight. There was nowhere to sit, so he leaned in against a tree, being right beside him. I figured this was their usual spot for smoking with no professors noticing.

He eyed me, but didn't let a single emotion cross his beautiful face.

"I guess we need to talk?" Was the first thing he said, picking up a package of cigarettes from his back pocket. "Do you want one?" he asked, handing the package towards me, and I shook my head.

I enjoyed a cigarette now and then, since it reminded me of my mother, but it had been a while since my last smoke and I wouldn't enjoy it if I coughed in front of Sirius.

"Wasn't that why you brought me here?"

He smiled without joy.

"You're perfectly right. But before we start, I need to warn you, I'm not quite good at this." he said before putting a cigarette between his lips. Merlin, that was a sight I will keep on replay in my mind forever.

"Talking?" I frowned. I believed he was an expert at talking, it seemed to be the only thing he did when he wasn't smirking and winking at all the surrounding people.

"That's relative to the subject." he answered, while lighting the cigarette in his mouth.

"And what subject are we on now?" I asked. He hesitated before answering, but then he let out the words like it was the easiest thing in the world.

"What happened a week ago." he inhaled the smoke and breathed it out, making his lips pout in a pleasing way.

"Give me a cigarette." Was all I answered. If we would do this, I needed something to calm my nerves, and nothing calmed your nerves like a bad piece of muggle tobacco.

He smirked at me, but then handed me a cigarette and a lighter. His eyes fixed on me when I lit it up and he raised an eyebrow when I inhaled the smoke deeply.

"Who let you smoke?"

"My mother."

"Isn't she, a pureblood?" He pronounced the word like it was sickening for him to say it.

"That hasn't stopped her from committing muggle sins." I winked, and he smiled.

I didn't know so much about it, but the rumours had been going around for years about the Black family and their hatred towards Sirius, since he got sorted into the one house they hated the most. At first, I thought he was doing all these rebellious things just to piss them off, but now, I realised it was his personality. Not just some black sheep of the family-act. He was a seventeen-year-old heartthrob, creating mischief wherever he went and a huge diva in need of attention. Like a rock star.

I looked at him, leaning against the tree, his hair hanging over his eyes because of the wind, his hand holding the cigarette and his mouth enclosing around it, inhaling the toxic smoke and then closing his eyes when the smoke went down his throat, into his lungs, and then he exhaled the white cloud of smoke.

I could watch him doing this for hours. How could someone make something so sinful look so pleasant and beautiful?

When he spoke again, his voice was loud and confident, but I sensed there was something else hiding beneath.

"I've been noticing you're avoiding me. And I see you and Babyface are still snogging in the hallways as usual. So I just wanted to make sure we're on the same page."

The cold weather didn't bother me anymore, all my focus was on the man in front of me and his intense eyes that seemed to pierce my soul.

"Which is?"

I was afraid of the words he would utter next. He took a deep breath and put out his cigarette against the tree trunk.

"That last Friday was a mistake, and that we let things go way too far." his spoke gravelly.

His words hurt, but I knew this was the best that could have happened, and at once I realised why Lara had been so eager for me to go talk to him. She knew this was what I needed. To let last Friday night go. I felt his eyes upon me when I stared down at my feet, this was good, so why did my chest hurt so bad?

"I agree." I said, looking up.

It felt like the time had frozen, and we were stuck out there, staring into each other's eyes. Trying our best not to let our real emotions slip through. I could sense his desire to just drop this little act of his and drag me into his arms. Holding me against him, letting his fingers get lost in my hair and his lips exploring my pale skin, get warm under each other's touch. But instead, we sat there quietly, both with a sour tone look on our faces, ending something that never even begun.

"Brilliant." he answered, putting and end to the conversation.

I didn't want this, I knew that deep inside, I desired his company, his thoughts and his marvellous body, more than I had desired anything for a long time. But sometimes you have to be a better person, not listening to what your bloody heart wants.

"Fuck!" I cried out, when ash from the cigarette I was holding fell down on the arm I held across my chest. I had been so distracted by him and my own thoughts that I hadn't noticed that the cigarette had burned all the way down.

"Got yourself a little distracted there, did you?" he smirked.

"I guess I did." I murmured, annoyed by his priggish look.

And like that, we're back at it again; he annoying the shit out of me and me muttering all the time, but I knew things were different. There was something lingering in the air, like a mist of unspoken thoughts that surrounded the two of us.

"Alissa, I know this might sound, stupid. But would you like to start over?"

"Start over?"

"Yes," he reached out his hand towards me and I let him grab mine. "Hello, I'm Sirius Black, I'm often a complete idiot but I have my sweet moments. Would you like to be my friend?"

This freaking charm, it was impossible not to fall under it.

"Sure, I'll be your friend."

He smiled.

"You're in for a ride, Fione. I promise you that." he let go of my hand and walked away from our spot under the tree. I shook my head.

 _I sure was._

I ran up beside him. He peered down at me, and I don't think he even realised it himself but he liked his lips, in a not so friendly way. This friendship thing would be a challenge.


	20. Haunting Dreams

**Chapter twenty.**

 _"Let her go Iona!" I screamed, my voice shaking with fear. Iona's eyes looked my way, her movements seemed to happen in slow motion. Her face filled with evil when her mouth turned into a grin, holding the innocent little cat up before my eyes._

 _"I told you, not to play with my things. But what did you go and do, sissy?"_

 _When I didn't answer she tightened her grip around the little kitten's neck, making it shriek in pain. Tears were filling my eyes. Why had I been so stupid, playing with her things? I should have known better._

 _"I'm sorry Iona. I've told you I'm sorry. Please," I cried, "Let her go."_

 _"It doesn't matter how sorry you are, unless you show me."_

 _Tears were now streaming down my face, why weren't mother and father back home yet? I knew it was impossible for me to handle Iona's rage on my own, and my heart sank to my stomach. She would either hurt me, or she would kill Li, who desperately tried to get out of her hard grip._

 _"What do you want me to do, Iona?" my voice cracking, making her laugh viciously._

 _"Lay your hand down into the fire, as a reminder to keep it away from other people's things," she nodded towards the lit fireplace behind us. "Or I will throw your dear little kitty into the flames instead. It's your choice."_

 _I stared into her sinister eyes, she couldn't mean it, this was too much madness, even for her. But I realised quickly that she was certainly going to go through with it. My breath got heavy, my blood pumping fast out of pure fright for the young girl standing in front of me._

 _During our eight years together she had been taunting me, calling me names, creating a barrier between me and her, but this was a new level of devilry. She shared the same hair as me, the same nose, the same light blue eyes and the same blanch skin but when I looked into her eyes I didn't see my sister anymore. This was someone else; this was a psychotic demon dressed as my sister._

 _"Now, how do you want it Alissa? It's either you or little missy here."_

 _I knew I had to fight her. This was one of those road crossings where you define how a relationship would exist for the rest of your time together, and I couldn't let her win this time. If she won this fight, she would always be in power over me and that was not how I wanted to live my life._

 _So without hesitating I grabbed the closest weapon I could find, a heavy iron fire poker, and on pure impulse I struck the sharp edged utensil over the face of the girl before me. Her grievous scream filled every silent corner of the big house, her hand let go of the tiny animal and she brought it up to her bleeding face. Blood dripped onto the carpet and I stumbled back, dropping the fire poker to the floor. Watching as my sisters blood created a red puddle under her feet, and I knew I had won, at least this time._

"Alissa!" a worried voice called out close to my face. I gasped for air and found myself looking into Lara's safe eyes, instead of those light blue demon ones I had just escaped by waking up from the haunting dream.

Lara let go of my shoulders and sat down on my bed. She laid her hand on my sweaty arm, slowly caressing her thumb over my skin.

"You dreamed about you and Iona again, didn't you?"

I didn't seem to have the ability to speak just yet, so I nodded, closing my eyes in discomfort. I hated it when I dreamt of that evening, it always had it's way with me. The awfully real pictures from the dream would follow me for days, they always did.

"Darling, just breathe." Lara took her other hand and stroke it over my cheek. She had been doing this an awful lot over the years, calming me after the times the memories from my childhood paid me a visit at night.

I tried to do as she said, but my lungs didn't cooperate. My chest raised and sunk at a fast pace, and the blood in my veins felt almost toxic, hurting me with every heartbeat.

The wonders of anxiety.

We sat like that for several minutes, just waiting for my body to calm down.

"It was bad this time." I finally said, almost whispering.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I probably should have, instead of suppressing every damn memory that could hurt me. But talking about feelings like this, this big, I couldn't do it.

"No."

Lara eyed me with concern, she knew far too well that I needed to talk about my relationship with Iona more, but she did what she always did. She listened to what I wanted.

"You know I'm here, whenever you need me to listen." I took her hand in mine. She was the best thing to ever happen to me, my beautiful, warm hearted Lara.

"I love you."

She smiled.

"I love you too."

I battled to keep my concentration intact when Professor Slughorn spoke on and on about the not so impressing Hiccoughing Solution. First there was the haunting memory from the dream making my mind glitch, secondly it was the fact that my sister was seated in the very same room, and thirdly there was the concerned gazes Sirius threw my way during the first half of the period. The gods were clearly against me today.

Lara sat by my side, taking notes for both me and her. This girl, I swear to Merlin, she has been sent by the gods.

"This might not be the hardest potion to brew, but don't be fooled, it takes plenty of investment to bring it to work properly. The student performing the best potion, will be the lucky owner of a phial of fresh dragon blood." Slughorn finished his lecture.

"Shall I get the ingredients?" Lara asked silently.

"Can you? I'm not ready to face, you-know-who." She nodded and went up from her stool, giving me an encouraging pat on the back before walking over to the cabinets in the front of the classroom.

I fought the urge to bury my face under my arms on the bench, everything was too overwhelming. I wanted to sleep, or read until the anxiousness vanished. I clenched my eyes and stuck my face into my palm, striving to breathe calmly when I felt a hand upon my shoulder. Judging by the size of it, I'd say it didn't belong to Lara.

"Hey." A familiar voice spoke tenderly, and my already overworked heart performed a flip so high I could sense it in my fingertips.

I straightened my head and glanced up on my visitor. The corner of his mouth twitched when our eyes met but it never grew to a full smile, instead his face became grave.

"Rough night?"

"Is it that noticeable?" I grunted, burying my face in my hands. Even though I didn't have the energy to handle Sirius Black today, his presence appeared to calm the anxiousness that floated around in my blood as sharp needles. Maybe his arrogant face finally came to use.

"Not at all," he tried but the evil eyes I gave him made him shut his mouth. "Okay, It's a little noticeable."

"Ugh." I groaned, too exhausted to care if someone saw us talking. Which they doubtlessly did, it was a small classroom.

"Care to tell your friend about it?" he sat down on the empty stool on my left, laying his chin to rest on his palm as he looked at me, concern filling his eyes.

"Don't you have a potion to brew?" I responded, surprised by the fatigue in my voice. Damn you, evil dreams.

"Remus is covering that." he winked, attempting to make me roll my eyes at him but he didn't annoy me today.

"Oh, of course." I nodded, making him frown at me in suspicion.

"Something's going on with you." he set forth.

"Do you know me well enough to make that assumption?"

"I've spent the last three months annoying the shit out of you, learning the way to push your precious buttons, therefore my guess is valid."

He consistently caught me off guard, even today, and a smile lurked in the corner of my mouth.

How did he do it? Affecting me this much?

"Fine, you're right." I said, unwilling to give him the satisfaction of being correct, but the smirk that spread across his red lips was worth it.

"So?" he asked.

"I will not tell you, if that's what you expect."

He sighed, looking at me with disappointment.

"Here I am, trying to do this friend thing to the fullest, and you shut me down at the first try. I got to admit, it hurts my feelings."

This time I couldn't stop the smirk that grew on my lips, still baffled because he had brought me to both smile and stop thinking about Iona's wicked eyes in less than five minutes.

"Can we talk about something else?" I responded, raising my brows.

"Clever response there, Fione. But I don't think we have very much time..." he let out, glancing at someone over my shoulder. I whirled around, to see Remus approaching our table with a tired expression on his scarred face. He got up to the bench, and to my surprise he winked my way.

"Hello dear." he spoke with his severe voice, still playing on the joke we had founded two weeks ago at Sirius party.

"Hi, stud." I answered seductively, making it difficult for him not to burst out in laughter.

Behind me I heard an irritated moan.

"So, this thing is still going on, I guess?" Sirius laughed, pointing his finger between me and Remus, with a sharp irony in his voice. "How fun."

Remus smiled and leaned in closer towards me.

"What is he going on about?"

"I do not know, Rem." I loudly whispered back.

Sirius grimaced towards us and then stared straight forward, disturbed by the fact that he didn't have the slightest clue about the relationship with each other.

"Sirius, are you not going to help me with the potion this time either?" Remus complained to his friend, who looked his way, irritation filling his eyes.

"I'm always helping you, what are you implying?"

"Fine, I'll just ask Lily for help." he sighed, searching around the room to find where Lily Evans where sitting.

Sirius looked at me and back at Remus.

"Fine, I'm working with Fione now, anyhow." he put forth, sounding cocky.

And hey, he wasn't working with me, for Merlin's sake. Remus took a hold of his wrist and then leaned in towards him.

"I hate you." he whispered. Sirius laughed and took Remus' hand in his, giving it a soft kiss.

"Shut up, Moony. You love me."

Remus just groaned and went to seek after Lily, leaving me alone once again with my new friend.

"You realise I have a partner, right?" I asked.

"Babyface? Yes, I'm awfully aware of that."

Oh my.

"In potions!" I shouted, way to loud.

"Oh." he smirked my way, biting his damn lower lip. "Can you guys let me work with you today?

There was no way in hell I could resist those eyes together with that smile, not after he had made me stop thinking of my nightmare. So we now had a third person brewing today's Hiccoughing Solution.


	21. Mediocre Existence

**Chapter twenty one.**

"I can't believe I managed to get the Dragon Blood with you two slowing me down, significantly." Lara said as the three of us exited the classroom. She held the phial in her left hand like a trophy.

"You couldn't have done it without us." I grumbled, pressing my textbook towards my chest. Sirius nodded in agreement.

"She's right."

Lara shook her head and put her small phial of dragon blood into the pocket of her robe.

"I will find Sarah before dinner," she looked at Sirius and then me, "I'll catch you later?"

"Okay." I answered, and she made her way up the stairs. The instant she left us alone, the tension between us got an awful lot more intense. I could almost touch it with my hands.

"Do you have anywhere to be right now, or?" Sirius broke the silence.

"Not really." I replied, nerves tingling in my tummy.

"No boyfriends to go seek before supper?"

"No, not today," I breathed. "Quidditch practice."

It was painful to be alone with him. There were so many things I desired to do to him that I absolutely couldn't.

"Care to keep me company when I drop off this book at my dorm?" he held his potions book up, raising an eyebrow at me.

 _Say no, say no, say no._

"Sure." I nodded, making him smile widely.

We strolled in silence up from the dungeons, both taking a deep breath of fresh air as we reached the top of the stairs. His arm seemed unpleasantly close to mine when we walked towards the Gryffindor Common room, I simply had to reach my hand out an inch to touch his. I swallowed hard and kept my concentration on looking straight forward to prevent me from doing something bad.

"Have you been friends for a long time?" he spoke after a while, trying his best to appear undisturbed by the fact that our robes almost touched each other.

"Lara and me? Yes, since first year." I responded.

"She seems like a great friend." he looked to the side and smirked.

"She is the best friend you could ever ask for."

He peered at me and suddenly grimaced.

"Agree to disagree, okay?" he argued.

"Hey, I am under the impression that you hate your friends."

He chuckled, causing me to almost roll my eyes at the sound. Why did he have to be this appealing?

"There's a thin line between love and hate, you see." he remarked, in a kittenish voice, winking with his right eye.

We arrived at the portrait of the fat lady just in time as he finished his sentence. He spoke the password, and the portrait swung open, allowing us to enter. Right before we got through the narrow hole, another student rushed past us into the aisle causing the both of us to jump aside. My back collided with the wall and Sirius almost collapsed right into me, his body pressed against mine in the shallow area of space. His breath hitched, letting out the familiar scent of cigarette smoke, our faces only inches apart. A wave of lust spread through my entire body, and it didn't help that Sirius' briskly looking eyes stared into mine.

I realized this friend-thing was a bad idea and here was the proof. Because if Sirius hadn't been the strong one this time, moving himself away from me and into the common room, I would've kissed him. I would have intertwined our bodies together, clasped my lips upon his, dragged my fingers through his hair making him moan my name...

 _Stop that immediately, Alissa. You're turning yourself on in the middle of a crowded common room._

"Are you coming?"

I cleared my throat and followed him through the room, I could sense several eyes watching us when we moved up the steps to the boys dormitories. Maybe this was a dreadful thing to do, to follow him back here. It would make people talk and I obviously had a problem with keeping my hands to myself.

The biggest question was, did I care enough to not follow him? The answer was no. Being with him got my mind of all the things I didn't want to think about. Exams, how bored I was by Casper, Christmas break and most importantly my sister.

Spending time around Sirius had made me realise that there was more to life than perfect grades and a safe but mediocre existence. I had been stuck in my secure bubble for far too long now, I needed to break free from that boring Alissa, and become more like... well, Sirius.

"I'm only giving you a head's up, it's a mess in here." He looked back at me before opening the door to his dorm.

A mess was an understatement, this room was chaos. Clothes everywhere, books, candy wrappers and an awful lot of empty bottles. All the beds were unmade apart from one that was neatly bedded. My guess was on Remus, he seemed like a guy with good manners.

I whistled at the sight of the room, how could they possible live like this? They were wizards for crying out loud. It's not like they need to clean the room by hand.

"Just so you know, this mess isn't mine." he let out, walking over a pile of clothes to get to the fixed bed. He laid the potion book down on the night stand and then threw his robe of him, tossing it on the wine coloured bedspread.

I could never have thought _he_ was the neat one out of those four, and that he _was,_ made me laugh in amusement. _He continued to surprise me._

"What?"

"I didn't picture you as the neat one." I smiled, still standing in the doorway.

He smiled and unbuttoned the top button of his shirt.

"So," he spoke. "This is my bed." he casually let out, and grabbed the tie around his neck, adding it to the robe on the bed.

 _Smooth, Black._

"There's your bed, yes." I raised my brows, and he laughed, looking terribly appealing in his wrinkly shirt, and his cheeks flushing in a light pink shade.

His intentions by mentioning his bed, unfortunately took the effect he probably had hoped for. Yes, I was currently imagining him shirtless and him throwing my lousy ass upon his clean sheets. He wasn't being a good friend right now, not at all.

"I'm simply addressing it, in case you would need to come see me here. I wouldn't enjoy it if you accidentally jumped into Remus or James' bed, or even worse, Peter's."

My eyes grew wide, and I looked at him as if he had gone completely mental, but he just smirked and took a look at himself in the mirror before joining me by the door.

"Are you ready for some dinner?" he asked, still smirking at my expression.

When I didn't answer he pushed past me and went down the stairs, back into the common room. When we got down a voice called his name, and I saw Mary McDonald sitting in one of the sofas closest to the entrance.

"Black! What're you up to?" she asked, and soon after she looked at me. "Oh, hi Alissa!" she said in surprise.

"Hey Mary." I spoke, a feeling of being caught doing something forbidden grew in my stomach.

"We've dropped off some books, and now we're heading down for dinner." Sirius jumped in, sounding as careless as ever.

"Oh I see. Well, I'll meet you later tonight?"

He nodded, and she smiled our way before returning to the book she had been reading.

 _Was it totally wrong of me to feel a bit jealous at her comment? Yes, probably._

I hoped she would believe him, because even if what he had said was true, it sure looked like something else. The two of us, alone in his dorm after what happened two weeks ago. It didn't look good.

"Don't worry about Mary," he leaned in to whisper. "She's like, the coolest, she won't tell anyone she saw you here."

 _'She like the coolest',... Okay, Alissa, calm your horses._

"Great."

He gave me an unreadable gaze, and then he grabbed my arm to drag me out through the portrait a second time.

We were far from alone walking towards the great hall when we got down the stairs from the common room. It didn't bother me at all because the chance of anybody noticing us walking together was far less likely.

I could sense his eyes upon me from time to time while walking in silence but I didn't have the nerve to look back, there were too many thoughts floating around in my head.

 _What is he thinking about? Is he hooking up with Mary or am I being paranoid? And if he is why do I care?_

When we were just a couple of seconds away from the Great Hall, he stopped me.

"Are you pissed at me again?"

I shook my head in confusion.

"What? Why would I?"

He brought his hand up in his hair, peering down at me with his lips pressed together.

"I just, got that feeling."

"Sirius, I can't believe I'm saying this, but no, I'm not pissed at you."

He exhaled a breath of relief, and just when he was about to answer, a loud voice called my name from behind us.

"Alissa!"

 _Merlin, no, do not let this happen._

"Hi Casper!" I turned around just in time to get myself wrapped inside two strong arms and his lips kissing me with impatience.

When he let go of me, he looked carelessly to the man on my right, but I knew what he was up to. Some ridiculous power act, trying to show his rival who's in charge. I felt the urge to yell at him right then and there. First that I wasn't his freaking property and second that this macho-style didn't fit him at all.

"Hello Sirius." he spoke, nonchalantly, with one of his arms still wrapped around my back.

"Oh, hello Ba-" _you wouldn't dare,_ I thought and to my relief he corrected himself before Casper noticed anything. "Casper."

"What are you two up to?" Casper asked, eyeing us both suspiciously.

"We just came up from potions, heading for dinner. And you? I thought you had practise all night?" I was quick to answer, a hundred percent sure Sirius would have told another version of the story.

"Right, potions. We did, but we took an early night."

"I see. Are you eating dinner with us now then?" I asked, enormously uncomfortable because of the situation.

"I need to take a shower first," he said, and winked at me. "Perhaps you would like to join me?"

I almost choked on my own tongue. Why was he acting like someone he's not?

"Oh no, I need dinner first." I twisted myself out from his grip.

"Fine, then I'll see you later. Bye darling." He laughed, and kissed me again. This time I barely kissed him back, causing Sirius to hide a forming grin on his lips.

The minute Casper was out of earshot he mimicked Casper's words, making me grimace at him.

"Sirius Black, you're stretching the borders of this friendship." I said, finally back to being annoyed with him.

"Can you blame me?" he replied, looking into my eyes gravely. _Oh, shit._

There was something in his gaze that told me that there was no way in hell he would be content with us just being friends.

"I'll see you around, Alissa." he said when I didn't answer and he walked inside the Great Hall without me.

 _What a day._


	22. A Word of Advice

**Chapter twenty two.**

 _Sirius PoV._

"Fuck." I groaned the moment I joined the others by the table. All of them, except Remus who had his head down in a boring looking book, stared at me.

"What's the matter Pads?" Peter sat a hand on my shoulder. "Are things not going as planned with your lady?"

"I'm getting there, slowly, but it's that lame boyfriend of hers. He's a huge distraction. I think I hate him guys." I whispered the last sentence.

"What is this? Sirius Black afraid of some competition?" James frowned, smirking teasingly.

"It's not that. I just...It bothers me."

"What bothers you?" He continued.

"Her with him." I let out, surprising myself by my choice of words. It almost sounded as I cared about Alissa. Did I? No, I couldn't, I barely know her.

"Sounds to me like you've got yourself little more than a crush on your hands there mate." James said, still in a teasing tone.

Sometimes I hated this fucker.

"Oh, shut it. We both know that's not true." I reached for the can of pumpkin juice standing in front of Remus, who looked up from his book.

"It's definitely more than a crush." he joined the conversation, making me look his way with annoyance.

"How would you know? The only crush you've ever had was on me." I took a sip from my cup, not at all surprised by the evil eyes he gave me.

"Very funny, Sirius."

I stuck out my tongue at him and he rolled his eyes, probably for the tenth time just today.

"Have something to eat Padfoot, then you'll feel better." Peter tried to spirit me up, his mouth stuffed with mashed potatoes.

I looked down at my empty plate, not at all eager to fill it with something to eat. There was something else I was hungry for tough, _someone else_.

"I'm not feeling food today." I shrugged, shoving the plate across the table.

The annoyance towards Casper Wilkinson grew larger for each day that passed, and deep down I knew the feelings was also felt towards his wayward girlfriend.

Even how much I tried to deny it, it hurt me when she went back to him as normal after our little unfinished business in her dorm. Maybe it was because I wasn't used to being rejected, but something in the way it hurt told me otherwise.

That girl surely had made my head spin in all kinds of ways. She'd driven me crazy at least a dozen times since the start of the semester, but at the same time there was something about the way she smiled at me. Her discreet smirks, that she so desperately tried to hold back, not wanting to let me see how much I affected her. Then there was that fire in her eyes when I provoked her, that seemed to burn holes in my head. I knew she didn't notice, but she scared the hell out of me sometimes. Then there was that gaze she gave me, when she was neither smiling or being angry with me. When her glacial blue eyes pierced me, no evident emotions in them, but they still made my heart run wild.

"So, what's your plan Sirius?" James cut my thoughts off.

"My plan...," I sighed. "I don't think I have one anymore."

My plan had been to be my normal seductive self. It had worked out well for me this far, but obviously Alissa Fione wasn't completely fooled by my charm and sexiness.

"Want my advice?" James raised a brow, smiling supportively.

"Surely, Prongs."

"Tell her how you feel," he sat a hand up when he saw my attempt to protest. "Hear me out, please. Go find her after dinner, and tell her slap-bang how you feel about her. I promise you, it will work."

"And how has that worked out for you the last couple of years?" I frowned, annoyed by his rotten advise. I could never in a million years do that. And I don't bloody know what I feel.

"It's starting to pay off." He smirked, revealing a freshly made hickey under the collar of his shirt.

"I'm surprised you even wore a shirt today." Remus joined the conversation once again, closing the book he had been reading.

A smile formed on my lips, the memory of Alissa saying she believed I hated my friends popping up into my mind. I loved them, so much that I sometimes hated them.

"I'm proud, Prongs." I nodded in approval.

"So, will you take my advice then?" He lit up, his hazel eyes filled with excitement.

"Hell no, I won't."


	23. A Family Threat

**Chapter twenty three.**

The common room was buzzing, exited students of all ages gathered around the Ravenclaw team before they were to storm of too the quidditch pitch. Howling and cheering surrounded the oval room, and a chant about crushing Slytherin started going around.

I, Myself was sat down in one of the dark blue velvet sofas, reading my copy of Advanced Potion Making, not at all interested in all the fuss about today's game. The grumpiness had clutched itself inside of me, not willing to let go unless I did what I couldn't do; Spend time with the person I most certainly shouldn't spend time with.

I closed my eyes in irritation, couldn't they leave already?

"Alissa!" Casper's voice called out across the room, and I was forced to put on a smile when I looked his way.

He was wearing his blue quidditch uniform, his light brown hair laid back with gel to prevent it from distracting him during the game.

"Come and wish me good luck." He continued, not at all concerned about how many people that could hear him.

I closed the book and laid it down on the table in front of me, and slowly dragged myself towards where Casper and the rest of the team were standing.

I couldn't put my finger on it, but he had been annoying me a lot the last couple of days. It wasn't even his fault, and I felt so ashamed for all the bad thoughts I had about him and mostly us.

"There's my girl." He grasped my hand and pulled me in his big arms, enlacing my short body completely.

Feel it Alissa, just, feel how warm and kind he is. Embrace how sweet and tender he is with you. I tried to convince myself as I stood there in his embrace, but my heart sank low in my chest when I didn't get the psychical reaction I wanted from myself.

"You're coming to watch the game, right?" He peered down on me.

"Of course." I murmured, knowing that he must sense something was wrong. But instead of pointing it out, he laid his hand on my chin and lowered his lips to mine.

"That makes me very glad." then he pressed our lips together, and immediately a couple of harsh grey eyes popped into my mind.

This is wrong.

I couldn't continue doing this, it started to get out of my hands. I clearly couldn't control my feelings towards Sirius as well as I hoped I would've.

Casper's lips left mine and there was no doubt that he understood something disturbed me.

"I need to leave." he put forth, nodding towards the blue capes disappearing out the entrance.

"Good luck!" I yelled after him as he joined his friends, and the second he was out of sight I clenched my jaw in discomfort. I had to put an end to it, to me and Casper. But how? And what would I tell Beth?

Tension was filling my body by the bloody thought of it. How was it possible, that one person could change your whole sense of moral? And why couldn't I resist him?

I hated myself right then, because I had become someone that betrayed her close ones, I had never thought of myself as a person capable of that sort of betrayal.

I took a deep breath and gathered my bad thoughts, and buried them inside of my self hatred-box in my mind until I had the time to open it again.

I went up to our empty dorm, and quickly changed out from my skirt and pullover. Instead I took on a comfortable pair of high waisted jeans and a bright coloured orange t-shirt and before I reached the door again I grabbed my outworn leather jacket and dragged it on.

I know at least two people from my family that wouldn't approve of this kind of muggle clothes, I thought as I went out the entrance. To hell with them, I looked totally badass.

Beth and Lara were presumably down by the pitch already. By the time I got down from the tower, both of them were way over excited about the stupid game if you asked me. I would probably end up sitting alone, back at the lousiest seat. It's not like it hasn't happened before.

But today that thought didn't bum me out, I needed to be alone with my thoughts right now.

How do you break up with someone with the least possible heartbreak? Was there a spell I could use to get Casper to just drop his feelings for me? Or maybe a potion? A reversed amortentia? I would have to go to the library after the quidditch game.

I was halfway through the castle when I suddenly stopped in the middle of a step. Five feet away from me stood three silent students, all clothed in black robes and dark green scarfs. On the right stood a dark eyed girl, no older than fifteen, and on the left stood Severus Snape, grinning with his whole creepy looking face, his hair hanging in strings around his pale face. That boy really needed to take a shower.

But the two of them didn't scare me at all, no, what had gotten me to freeze in my step were the icy looking eyes of the girl between them.

Iona didn't move a muscle at first, but suddenly her black painted mouth turned to a grin. Not the kind type of grin, I assure you.

"Sister, I figured I would find you here." she spoke, in her normal drawling but intense voice.

"What- what do you want?" I stuttered, not at all ready for this confrontation.

"Don't worry, we won't bite." she took a graceful step closer towards me. I sensed a hitch in my chest, but managed to control my breath.

Don't let her see. If she senses your fright she will only use it against you.

"Unless you don't tell us what we want to know, of course." she looked down to her well kept nails before she met my eyes again. "But you already understood that, didn't you?"

"You can threaten me all you want, Iona." I hissed between my teeth. "But if you so much as touch me, I will have Dumbledore informed."

Her eyes widened at first, surprised by the assurance in my voice, but before I knew it, it was replaced with an evil laugh that bounced around the corridor.

"Are you really threatening me with that woolly oldster? Please, you can do better than that, sissy."

"Fine, maybe I can." I stated, not willing to let a single feeling slip through my well rehearsed act of bravery.

"Good."

"I was on my way somewhere, so care to tell me what this is about?" I frowned, my hand ready to grab my wand in the back pocket of my jeans.

"Get to it, Iona." Severus spoke behind her, his voice almost too vague to catch.

"Fine." she spat and threw her head back. "We've been noticing you're keeping yourself company with Black." She spat out his name with disgust.

This was it. She would finally take her revenge for the time I had stepped in and defended him towards her.

"What if I have? What has it to do with you?"

"You see, there's someone we're eager to find, and we thought Sirius Black would be the one to lead us there." She continued, carelessly.

"And why would Sirius help you? It's not like it's his problem that you can't keep track on your own people."

 _Damn, Alissa. You're doing good._

Iona wasn't pleased with me talking back to her, but she wasn't winning this round either. Her jaw tensed, and her fingers moving in a slow pace back and forth in and out of a fist.

"This isn't the time to test my patience, Alissa." Her voice caused chills down my spine, but I wasn't giving in.

"Then, what time is it, Iona?"

I was sick of this. Who was this girl standing in front of me? And why couldn't mother and father do something about it? I knew they were too afraid to stand up against her, but if they didn't, who would?

"Fine." she pressed her lips together before talking again. "Sirius' brother is missing, but I guess you already knew that."

 _What?_

"I-what?" I stuttered. Confused by her words at first, but then I remembered what her and Sirius fight had been about, his little brother. I hadn't paid much attention to it then because I simply was caught up in denying what I felt towards Sirius.

His brother was missing? How? When?

"Regulus Black didn't return to school this semester." her voice sounded more sinister by the minute.

How could I have missed this? And why hadn't Sirius mentioned it?

Scratch that last. He hadn't mentioned it because the two of us hadn't spent enough time together, and the words he had uttered that day of the fight came back to me. _"I don't need anyone saving me."_

He was too damn proud to let it show something was going on.

"Regulus..." I finally spoke, after a long couple of seconds trapped in thoughts.

"Where is he?" Iona raised her voice, stating she wouldn't leave until she had gotten an answer to their question.

"What makes you think I know where he is? I have never spoken to the boy."

She laughed but then stopped swiftly, reminding me of her unpredictability.

"Because you spend time with the distress that is his big brother. He must have mentioned something of this to you, no?" her voice filled with wickedness.

"He hasn't." I breathed, hoping that she would believe me.

"Don't lie to me."

"I am not lying to you."

She studied me with her piercing eyes for a long time before she snitched her neck backwards.

"I believe you, for now." she then said, talking unpleasantly slow. "But when he tells you about it, and I know he will, I'll be there to find out what you know, be certain of that." She turned around, her long bright hair flicking around her shoulders.

"Hey!" I shouted at her, and she stopped to look at me again. "Why can't you talk to Sirius about it? I've got nothing to do with this."

"Oh, you're so sweet and naive, Alissa. I believe it's time for you to open your eyes." she smirked evilly. "I would've tortured him if that was what it took to get him to talk...But I wouldn't risk it, with that monster always hanging around him-"

"Iona..." Severus Snape stopped her, looking at her with an alarming expression in his dark eyes.

Monster? Who? What were they talking about? The last couple of minutes had made me feel so confused, and in a way so stupid. Something I wasn't that used to.

"Stop being such a bloody bore, Severus." Iona demanded her friend.

"You promised not to tell anyone." he answered, desperation glowing in his sights. He was clearly afraid of what might happen if she revealed what she had been about to say.

 _Say it, I need to know._

"You never let me have any fun." she sighed at him.

"Just don't say it. You don't know the consequences it may cause."

What in the bloody hell was going on? Who was this monster they were talking about? And why hadn't I noticed it?

Iona turned back to me.

"I guess you'll have to figure it out on your own. Best of luck, until next time, sissy." She made a dramatic bow before my feet before storming of once and for all trough the empty corridor, with Severus behind her, arguing.

I exhaled a deep breath of relief when their black robes vanished into a crossing corridor, my hand shaking behind my back.

Before I could walk again I leaned on the wall on my right, pressing my head into my hands. I wasn't used to handling this many emotions at the same time. Actually, I had never been facing this kind of overwhelming feelings.

I stayed away from feelings, I never got myself in too deep and I always distanced myself from problems related to other human beings.

Perhaps it was my sister's fault or perhaps I had also inherited our uncles lack of emotions, I really didn't want to know. So I tried my best not to give it too much thought, because if I ever came to the conclusion me and my sister were alike in any way besides our looks, it would ruin me.

I straightened myself up again, took a deep breath and started my walk towards the pitch once again. My mind totally swamped with confusing thoughts.

 _Where is Sirius brother? And what in the bloody hell am I feeling towards him?_

 _A monster always hanging around him as well? What was that about? But if it got Iona to stay away from him, it has got to be severe._

 _And how do you break up with someone? How?_


	24. Something Pure

**Chapter twenty four.**

"TEN POINTS TO SLYTHERIN!" A loud voice yelled, making the Slytherin students scream in satisfaction, and the rest of the audience grunt in disappointment.

The match had been going on for over two hours now and it didn't seem to end any time soon. Both of the seekers were flying around the pitch in desperation, neither of them even close to catching the golden snitch.

I watched them from the back of the Ravenclaw cheer section, barely paying attention to the game happening in front of my eyes. If I had been uninterested before, I was now a hundred times more so.

I was just about to give up and leave when my eye caught sight of a black haired man, gazing my way from the other side of the pitch. His hair blowing in the mild breeze and the red scarf around his neck, slowly dancing in the November wind. Gosh, he looked beautiful.

I looked for something in his eyes that would confirm the things Iona had been telling me two hours earlier, but there was nothing in his husky gaze revealing a thing of a missing brother.

Was it possible he didn't care?

I knew he and his brother didn't get along, but was he really so heartless he didn't care he was missing?

 _Alissa, stop making assumptions. That's the least clever thing to do, in any situation._

I had to talk to him, I knew I had to. But I didn't know him well enough to start asking questions about his family. I doubted it would be received with joy and laughter.

"TEN POINTS TO RAVENCLAW!" the loud voice of the commentator screamed around the arena once more, causing me wanting to cover my ears. I am such a lousy, boring person I complained to myself, when I saw Sirius smirking at me while raising his brows questioningly.

I had no idea what he meant, but my guess was that my dislike could be seen even from where he was standing.

Then he slowly gestured towards the stairs to his right, still with his brows raised in questioning.

At first I didn't realise what he was trying to say, so after a while he rolled his eyes and instead he pointed towards the stairs with his hand.

 _Oh._

I didn't even give it a second thought before I nodded and made my way down from the Ravenclaw stand, eager to get away from the loud noise.

Was I going to ask him about it? Or was it still too early? Perhaps I could do some research myself before I bother him about it. Maybe Remus knew something about the things Iona had spoken about? The last thing I wanted to do right now was to push Sirius away.

 _And why is that, Alissa? Oh, never mind, don't answer that._

I reached the end of the stairs just in time to see him approach, his eyes lighting up when he saw me.

"Someone's celebrating the weekend." He pointed out, laying his eyes on my choosing of clothes. I sensed in the way his eyes travelled up and down my body, that he approved of my non-magical fashion. His eyes leaving burning trails on my skin, and I slowly bit my lower lip.

"Aren't you cold?" he continued, his lips beaming teasingly. Was that an invite of some sort?

"I'm perfectly fine, thank you." I answered, trying my best to ignore the keen expression on his face.

"I believe you," He smirked, "So, why did quidditch bother you so much today?" He reached out his arm towards me, and when I stepped closer he locked our elbows together, starting to walk away from the clamorous game happening behind us.

"Quidditch always bothers me."

His eyes widened and for a second I thought he took offence of my confession but then he burst out laughing.

"Never utter those words in the presence of James Potter, promise me that?"

"Oh please, can't he handle a little criticism?"

Sirius peered down on me with a grave face.

"Not when it comes to quidditch, I'm afraid, and Lily Evans. Never speak ill of Lily Evans in front of him either."

"I doubt I will ever have something bad to say about Lily Evans, to be fair." I stated, enjoying how cheerful his mood seemed today, despite the information I had received earlier.

"Perhaps that's true. I don't have much to complain about when it comes to Evans either." he nodded, still leading the way with my arm locked in his.

"But there's something to complain about?" I frowned, making him bite his lip.

"Well, the only complaint is this; she has completely stolen James away from me." he grumbled shaking his head in gloominess.

"Laddie, I know that feeling." I replied, grabbing hold of his wrist.

"Lara's spending much time with Sarah, huh?" He answered, looking down on my hand that was still wrapped around his arm. I immediately let go of him and looked down to my feet. Stop blushing Alissa, it's not the time for blushing now.

"Every waking moment, it seems." I sighed. "Don't get me wrong, I am so happy for her, but I'm left alone with myself quite too much for my own liking."

"What about Beth?" He asked, his voice soft like silk when we reached the stone stairs that lead up to the Wooden Bridge.

"Can I be honest with you?" I said, surprised by how easy it felt talking to him. There was something soothing in the way he looked at me, and in the way his lips formed into a smirk when our eyes met now and then.

Something about this man was making me feel so relieved about all the bad things happening inside of me. Like everything somehow was totally okay.

"I don't want you to be anything else than honest around me, love." he spoke with a soft voice, eyeing me with a severe gaze.

The way he called me 'love' created a warm orb of lust-burn in my chest. Just a month ago I wanted to punch him straight in the face whenever he took the freedom to call me that, but look at me now, weak to my knees because of that one word.

"I love Beth, I really do, but we've never been so good at spending time together just the two of us. Lara is our link to each other and whenever she's gone, we don't seem to have much to talk about." I sighed.

"Why is that?"

"I believe it's because we're too different."

A cold wind flew across the green hill, making us both cower inside our jackets, and Sirius let out a shattering moan.

"Come on," he loosened up our intertwined arms and instead he grabbed my hand in his. "Keep that thought about Beth, but now I want us to get to the castle as fast as possible."

Then he started to run up the last of the stairs, me following behind as best as I managed with his hand wrapped around mine.

He didn't stop until we reached safety, behind the castle walls. No wind could reach us here, besides our own puffy breaths.

I looked at him as he stood there, with one of his hands upon the wall and the other on his thigh, trying to catch his breath. His eyes glistening from all the wind hitting us in the face and his mouth half open, formed into a big smile. There was something so playful about him when he didn't act like a pompous bastard, something so pure.

"Nothing brightens up your day like a good run, don't you agree?" he panted.

"I really don't."

Running wasn't at all one of my favourite activities, the be honest, it was probably in the top five on my list of worst-activities.

He chuckled and straightened himself up from his leaning posture. His hair tangled in a complete mess, as always.

"Fine." He smiled, turning my way. "Are you ready to tell me more about you and Beth then?"

His soft look in his eyes made it hard for me to concentrate on anything he was saying, so he slowly repeated himself, totally aware of the longing look I was giving him.

"Oh, yes, of course. Me and Beth." I stuttered, and quickly looked away. "Maybe not here though, in the middle of the corridor?"

"I've got somewhere we can go." he winked at me and bit his lower lip. Such a tease.

"It doesn't happen to be your bed, right?" I humbled, both annoyed and amused by the way he had me completely under his enchantment.

He turned his head back towards me, raising his brows.

"Do you want it to be?" forming his lips into a crooked smirk.

"No!" I cried out, my words echoing upon the empty stone walls. Sirius just smiled, grabbed hold of my arm once again and started to lead us towards wherever he had in mind.

I wonder if Casper will notice that I'm not down by the pitch? I thought to myself when I slowly let my hand intertwine with Sirius', but the thought was gone as fast as it came. I was too caught up in this rebellious adventure with the most beautiful man I knew. Who could blame me?


	25. Fiery Eyes

**Chapter twenty five.**

"Here it is." he smiled and stopped us in front of an empty wall. No portraits or pillars, just a simple stone brick wall.

"Sirius, I don't want to disappoint you, but this is just a wall." I glared at him, and he rolled his eyes.

"Don't be so cocky, Ms. Fione." he answered, confidence filling his husky voice.

And within a second the wall started to transform, right in front of our eyes. I took a step back in astonishment and Sirius studied me with an amused look.

Where the stone bricks had been was now a big black door with a beautiful looking pattern covering it.

"What is this?" I whispered, still taken aback in surprise.

"Welcome to the Room Of Requirement, love." He whispered back to me, grabbed a hold on the door handles and the doors opened.

I took a few slow steps before I decided to enter the mysterious room before me. How come I didn't know about this? A secret room, in the middle of the castle?

I turned to Sirius, who shut the doors behind us, leaving all of the coldness from the castle outside.

In here it was warm. A fire was sparkling in the corner of the room, and the floor was covered in dark red carpets, patterned with golden flowers. In front of the fireplace stood a group of soft looking couches, and in the middle of them a hackneyed wooden table. Upon the table there was a smoking teapot, and next to the teapot there stood two cups, ready to be filled.

 _How was it possible?_ It was almost as the room knew what we came here to do.

Room of Requirement he had said. Was it so, that the room actually fulfilled the needs you may have in the moment you passed by?

"How-?" I spoke, still puzzled by the cosy room we were standing in.

"Amazing, huh?" Sirius smiled and walked up beside me. I could sense his eyes upon me when I made my way to the couches.

"When did you find out about this?" I asked and sat down on the end of the sofa that was closest to the sparkling fire. I reached my hands closer to the flames and a shiver made it's way down my body. A leather jacket may not have been the best idea in the middle of November.

"I would rather not talk about it,..." he grinned, and sat down on the opposite sofa.

"Now I'm intrigued. Tell me!"

He studied me with a piercing gaze before he leaned down on the fluffy backrest, and kicked his feet up on the table.

"Let's just leave it at this; it involved snogging and searching for a private place to, seal the deal."

"Oh." I let out, trying my best to hide the redness that spread across my face. _Oh come on, don't be that jealous girl Alissa._

But Sirius just smiled, caressing his lower lip with his thumb.

"Can I offer the lady a cup of tea?" he then continued, changing the subject completely.

"Yes, please," I nodded, watching him as he grabbed the teapot and filled two cups of the warm brew. "Thank you." I added when he handed me one of the cups.

"Now, tell me all that's on your mind regarding your friends." he leaned towards the back of the sofa once more. A relaxed aura surrounded him when he took a careful sip of the hot tea in his cup and I tried my best not to stare, but it was a struggle. His soft smile and his slim legs that laid leisurely on the table gave me an inviting impression.

"Where do I start?" I asked, still taken aback by the change of events this day had taken.

"With Beth, I guess," he took another sip before continuing. "How are you two so different?"

It took a while for me to gather my thoughts. I had never spoken about it before, maybe because no one had never asked about it. But the look in Sirius eyes insured me that he actually was interested in what I had to say.

"Well, Beth is the kind of person who keeps all of her feelings on the outside. It's almost as if they're imprinted on her skin, and I'm,..." unable to finish the sentence I looked down into my tea cup, and then up at the man in front of me. His eyes were fixed on me, and a warm trail of blood rushed to my cheeks. Why was he looking at me as if I was the most interesting thing he had ever laid his eyes on?

"What about you, Alissa?" he asked tenderly, and it felt as if his eyes watching my every breath were the only thing in the room with me, "What type of person are you?"

"Unlike Beth, I don't wear my feelings like I wear my clothes,...but sometimes I feel kind of jealous of her." I let out after a long while of hesitation. I had never before admitted those thoughts, not even to myself, but that didn't make it less true.

"How come? Isn't it dangerous to feel so easily as Beth does? I mean, you tend to get hurt repeatedly when you give your heart away too quickly."

"That may be true, but if you get hurt, at least you know that you've felt something real." I answered, my voice almost too vague for my own ears to hear.

A tense silence fell upon the room, and my pulse reacted by increasing significantly. It didn't help that Sirius was still staring at me with fiery eyes, that matched the warmth from the sparking fire next to me. His lips were shut and instead of his usual smirk it was now replaced by a grave expression. His knuckles turned white when he hugged the cup in his hand harshly.

"And you're jealous of her because you haven't felt something real in a long time?" Sirius finally broke the silence, his voice filled with aching curiosity. I sensed where he was going with this, but I didn't mind. All I cared about in that moment was the fire that was lightened in his dark eyes.

"I don't think I have." was all I said, and before I knew it Sirius got up from his seat and walked with determination around the table. Then he stopped in front of me, staring into my eyes with a wild guise in his.

"Mind if I sit down?" he spoke and pointed at the empty spot next to me. He didn't wait for me to answer, instead he sat down, and while doing so he dragged his jacket of. He threw it down onto the floor and without further notice he placed his right hand on my burning cheek.

If my pulse quickened before, it was nothing compared to what happened inside of me now, with his face and body just inches apart from mine. So many hours I had spent fantasising about this over and over again since the last time he was close to me, it was ridiculous. But no fantasy in the world could compete with actually being this close to him; his ivory skin touching mine, and the scent of tobacco stuck in his hair. If I wasn't already sitting down, my knees would have been down on the floor by now.

"Alissa," his voice twitched when he pronounced my name.

"Y-yes." I stuttered, completely distracted by his breath that slowly caressed my lips. _Don't you dare kiss him, Alissa._

"I need you to be honest with me, okay?"

I nodded and he blinked before talking again.

"Are you happy?" he then said, loud and clear, and once again he surprised me completely.

"I- what?" I shook my head. I wasn't at all ready for a question like that.

"It's not a difficult question, Alissa." he continued, his eyes piercing mine. "Do you want me to reform the question?"

Maybe he was right, maybe it wasn't a difficult question, but it was surely difficult to think of a good answer.

"Fine, reform it."

He gave me a quick grin before asking me again.

"Are you happy with Casper?" he asked, with no sign of jocularity in his stunning face.

His questions made me want to run to the door and leave him and his persuasive eyes behind and not look back, but his hand on my cheek that slowly started to move back to my neck stopped me from moving even an inch.

"Why are you asking me that?" I whispered and he finally broke his severe face.

"Because I doubt that you are," he paused for a second, and let his hand travel up my neck when he gently leaned in closer towards me. "Happy, I mean."

This was in no way a normal friendly conversation anymore, that had ended the minute we started talking about my feelings.

"Does it eat you up? That you're not happy with him?" he extended, still with his hand on my neck and still with his freaking lips dangerously close to mine.

I felt the urge to push him away, but I knew that only had to do with the fact that his words were true and perhaps the fact that I soon couldn't contain myself any longer. I needed him to be so much closer.

"Yes...or, I don't know." I breathed, totally besotted by his face. That stupid handsome face.

"You don't know?" he raised his brow, and moved himself yet a little bit closer. His thigh was now side by side with mine, and his left arm rested on the backrest behind me.

Why was he pushing me? What good would come out of if?

"No, I don't know." I answered, and he smiled at the irritation in my voice, as if that was the reaction he wanted to evoke.

"Isn't that an alarming sign, Alissa?" he continued to provoke me, pushing those precious buttons.

"You tell me, is it?" I spat, baffled over how quickly we had gone from normal conversation to this power struggle of word exchange.

"It is, and my analysis is that you shouldn't be with someone that doesn't make you happy." his eyes gleamed, but I couldn't decipher if it was in anger or something else.

"Oh, is that so? Lucky me that someone finally told me those wise words of relationship advice."

A annoyed grin spread across his lips.

"No one else seems to do it."

During our rapid exchange of words, his grip around my neck tightened and I could see his chest rising hastily. There was no doubt that we would've been halfway to naked by now if the subject of the conversation wasn't still in the picture.

"I'm sorry," he spoke again, loosening his hand from my neck and laid it back on my cheek. His eyes still glowing, but there was something soft glimpsing inside of them. "I simply believe there's more to life than just accepting what is. You need to enjoy it too." then he lowered his lips to mine, but he didn't let them touch before he had gotten my approval, and Merlin, how I wanted to give it to him. But I couldn't, it wasn't right.

"Sirius,..." I said, laying my hand on his chest.

"Please, don't say it." he sighed, still only millimeters from touching my lips with his.

"I can't." was all I said and he let out a frustrated groan before sitting straight up again.

"Bloody hell, Alissa. You'll either have to break up with him or I'll do it for you." he let out, dragging his fingers through the dark tangled mess around his face.

Alright, there's now not only me that's convinced, I'll have to break up with Casper.


	26. Decent Human Emotions

**Chapter twenty six.**

The castle was silent when I sneaked my way through the corridors and up the long stairs to the western tower. I had lingered inside the Room of Requirement for far too long, supper had been served almost four hours ago, and I was lucky I didn't bump into any professors on my way back to the common room. It was never good to be caught past curfew. The eagle shaped knocker started to move as soon as I arrived at the door and before speaking it shook its bronze clad wings.

"Imagine you're in a dark room, how do you get out?" the knocker spoke, breaking the silence around us. It was amazing, how after six years that little bird still had a new riddle to ask every time you entered.

"You stop imagining." I answered after a short reflection and the door opened to let me enter, and I took a slow step inside the dark room. I had no idea what was waiting for me inside, but I strongly doubted that Casper or my friends hadn't worried about me.

I didn't hear any sound, except low snores from the boy's dormitories and the swoosh from the wind passing by the windows. A storm had made it's arrival around the castle during my hours inside the isolated room with Sirius, and the trees down by the lake danced together with the strong blow, threatening to leave their roots behind and fly away over the dark water, the full moon watching with its full glow.

I hesitated before taking the last step inside, because a bad feeling was growing in my stomach, the same feeling I got after having a pioneering dream. Was I ready to confront whoever was waiting for me? I doubt I was, but what choice did I have? There was no way I could turn away now.

So I took another step, entering the room completely and like I had expected I was greeted by a couple of hollow brown eyes, sitting in an empty couch, staring my way. My heart sank low in my chest when my eyes met with Casper's. There was a disappointment in them that I had never experienced being looked on with before.

I didn't know what to do, should I walk up to him or should I stay at the spot I was standing?

"Hi." I finally said carefully, testing the atmosphere of the room.

Casper exhaled a deep breath and his eyes traveled up and down my body, like he was searching for an explanation to where I had been.

"Where were you?" was the first thing he said. It sounded as if his voice had trouble leaving his mouth.

"I-" but before I could even start the sentence he cut me off.

"Or, don't bother telling me. It doesn't matter." he sighed heavily, looking down into his lap. His whole body seemed to have lost its strength, his shoulders hanging and his back bent forward, like he was in physical pain.

"Casper..." I took a step forward and when he didn't protest I walked to sit on the couch next to him.

This was it, I knew it was. I needed to break it to him, the best way possible. But how did you tell someone you can't be with them anymore?

"What, Alissa?" he turned to look at me with his shadowed eyes.

 _Be brave. You need to tell him._

"I don't think we can do this anymore." I whispered, and waited for his reaction. To my big surprise he started to laugh, it wasn't a loud laugh and it wasn't a ironic laugh either. It sounded more like a laugh in relief.

"Finally, you built up the courage to tell me." he bursted out, but he quickly became gloomy again. "What happened? I thought we had something good going, something honest and simple."

"We did!" I exclaimed, desperate to let him know this wasn't his fault, not at all. "But I've started to realise there's so much I need to learn about myself, on my own, before I can be with someone else."

I wasn't lying to him, nor did I necessarily tell the truth.

"And when did you start to realise this?" he murmured, the soreness breaking through more than he had planned to.

"I- A while ago." I stuttered, afraid that he would see right through me. We had dated for almost 7 months, he must have picked up something about my facial expressions by now.

"A while ago you say?" he frowned, a darkness growing in his eyes. "I have a guess on when, more exactly. Do you want to hear it?"

I stared at him without answering, because the shame that grew in my stomach when my eyes met with his was making it impossible for me to speak. He knew what had caused this break up, he wasn't some stupid, naive lovesick person. And how could I have been so stupid to think he didn't understand what had been going on behind his back this whole time?

"My guess is that you started to realise these things the minute you started to spend time with that rebellious casanova, Sirius Black, even though your best friend were having a major crush on him at the time. And my second guess is that you just couldn't help yourself, am I wrong?"

There was no way for me to escape this, and I had only myself to blame.

"Casper...," I reached my hand out towards him but he was quick to evade my touch.

"Alissa, please," he said while staring out into the dark, "Don't lie to me about him, just this one time."

 _Damn it Alissa, look at the damage you have done._ I scolded myself. Situations like this is why I stayed away from relationships, and getting to involved with other people, because my cold inside clearly couldn't handle taking care of other people's feelings.

"You're not wrong." was I all managed to answer him and his reaction didn't surprise me.

He got up from the sofa, shaking his head in distress and started to walk away from where he had been seated.

"Casper, I'm sorry!" I cried out but he just gave me a tired smile.

"It's not your fault, Alissa. I've only got myself to blame for getting involved with someone incapable of decent human emotions." and with those words he left the room, entering the boys dormitories, leaving me alone with the wind shuddering the windows.

I was finally done with what I had decided to do just earlier today, but I didn't feel relief at all. All I felt was ashamed and stupid, my cheeks burning in disgrace. I had managed to hurt one of the nicest people I knew, and all because of some stupid unclear feelings towards Sirius fucking Black.

I sat my face inside my hands, taking a deep breath. This was not how I thought my seventh year at Hogwarts would turn out, heartbreaks and mad sexual desire. If only mother was here to give some well-needed advice. She always knew what to say when things went rough, her silky smooth voice and her warm embrace smelling of tobacco and vanilla always ready to pick up the pieces if you ever found yourself falling apart.

She might not posses the ability to heal Iona from whatever demon living inside of her scrawny body, but she could heal me. But this time I had to deal with my mess alone, since mother was hundred of miles away, and I had no idea how to explain this in a letter. I wasn't sure I wanted to.

When I sat there, thinking about my mother and what she might have said to me if she sat here next to me, I suddenly heard steps coming down from the stairs. I raised my head rapidly to see who the visitor to my misery was, and when I caught a glimpse of the light brown waves around Beth's face I almost felt the urge to scream right out in frustration.

There wasn't only Casper I had lied to, it was also to my best friend, and if there was something I didn't feel like doing anymore, it was lying.

"Alissa?" Beth whispered when she got down the stairs, and she slowly made her way to the couch.

"Hi Beth." I answered when she sat down beside me, and she didn't hesitate for even a second before she laid her arm around my shoulders.

"What happened? I heard voices." her worry only made me feel so much worse.

I took a deep breath, the conflict of right or wrong creating a battlefield in my mind.

"I believe I and Casper ended things."

Beth's eyes widened and she gasped for air, as if this was the worst news she had gotten in a long time. Perhaps it was.

"Alissa, sweetheart," she hugged my shoulder in her hand, "How? Why? I thought you two were doing pretty good."

 _Well, you thought wrong. Because I'm a cheating piece of shit who's now about to hurt you too._

I don't think my mind worked properly when I started talking again. Of course it wasn't. I hadn't dealt with this much self hatred since I split my sister's eyebrows in two with that fire iron and I didn't see any reason not to spill the whole truth.

"I was unfaithful to him," I paused just to remind myself that I couldn't take the words back if I continued, "With Sirius Black."

Beth's face raised in shock, and her hand started shaking on my shoulder. At least I didn't have to lie to anyone, anymore.


	27. Breakfast Stares

**Chapter twenty seven.**

Breakfast next morning felt more like a staring contest between me and the entire Ravenclaw quidditch team then the most important meal of the day, so I buried my face behind my stuffed spoon of fried mushrooms, hoping that this would soon be over. But I didn't count on it to be.

The night had been sleepless, filled with thoughts. What if Beth never forgave me for what I had done?

Casper's evil stares were one thing, and that thing I could live with. But the sadness in Beth's eyes when she had asked me not to stay in the dorm for a couple of days was something I wouldn't get over. I had to get her to forgive me somehow. I just didn't know how jet.

The fresh memory of our last conversation made me look at my food with disgust. There was no way I could enjoy a meal with all these emotions tumbling around in my stomach.

Her reaction had been nerveless, but I saw right through her. She was sad. Sad and disappointed, who could blame her? And when she had politely asked me not to stay in the dorm for a couple of days I obeyed without hesitation. She had let me gather my things and then she simply went back to bed, without another word. The silent punishment is the worst punishment.

So there I stood, in a empty common room with a bag filled with my school uniform and the books for following day's classes, bedless and ashamed.

My first thought had been the Gryffindor common room and to take up on the offer Sirius had made a week before. "I'm simply addressing it, in case you would need to come see me here." But I quickly pushed that idea away. Wasn't he the reason I stood here, kicked out from my own dorm? He sure was. So my only option seemed to be the newly discovered Room of Requirement.

When I arrived to the brick wall it immediately started to transform once more into the door I had been standing outside just a couple of hours before, but this time when I entered the room it looked completely different.

It was a lot smaller in size and now there was no cosy fire sparkling in the corner of the room, instead there stood a bed. The colour reminded me of mother and father's medical cabinet back at home. Over the bed hung a sky blue canopy, just like the bed ceilings in our dorm and underneath it, there laid a deep blue carpet that stretched all over the room like a small bit of ocean, created for my eyes only.

Across the bed there stood a small basin in dusky white, and above it hung a golden plattered mirror. I reminded myself to thank Sirius for introducing me to this marvellous kind of magic.

"Alissa!" A voice called for me, slowly dragging me out of my thoughts. And then a hand caressed my upper arm and before I realised it was only Lara, my heart went up through my throat. You never know what Casper's loyal teammates could insult you with after last night.

"Oh, thank Merlin it's you." I let out in relief and she sat down beside me, still with her hand on my arm in support.

"How are you doing?" She studied me carefully.

"Do I really need to answer that right now? Because I really don't have a clue yet. I'm mostly tired." I answered while staring down into my almost untouched plate.

"Fair enough. And where did you sleep?" Her eyes told me so much more than her words. She was basically asking me if I'd stayed with Sirius.

"Not where you think," I muttered, a bit confused by how I was supposed to act. Beth had also asked me to let Lara be hers for a couple of days, which I honestly didn't feel too happy about, "How's Beth doing?"

"She okay, a little dumpish of course, but it's nothing she won't get over. Just give her some time." She ensured me, then she turned to glare at the girls staring our way from the other side of the table. "Hopefully Casper's friends will too." She added bitterly.

"Lara, I feel like such an idiot." I said while hiding my face inside of my palms.

"Hey, look at me," Lara commanded and I did as she said, there was no point in fighting her. "Sometimes, feeling like an idiot isn't necessarily a bad thing, okay? Because if you didn't feel like an idiot you wouldn't learn never to do something like this again. Right?"

"Fine. You're right, as always."

She laughed at the annoyed tone in my voice, and then she laid her arm around my shoulders.

"I know." she mocked me and stuck out her tongue while her eyes scrunched up, creating those sweet wrinkles around them, like they always did when she smiled.

"Don't blame me for asking you this,..." I suddenly whispered. I knew it was lousy of me even to reflect over what I was about to say, but I couldn't help it.

"Never. You know that." Lara reassured me and I leaned in closer towards her, hiding my blushing cheeks in her curls.

"Does all of this mean I'll have to stop seeing him?" I asked her, still ashamed to ask but the question had been going through my mind over a hundred times since the night before. It didn't matter how much I scolded myself about it, I just couldn't seem to stop thinking about him and how I still didn't want to lose him. Even if he was the reason for all of this.

Lara looked at me and then she turned her face towards the other side of the room, raising a brow at the sight of Sirius Black's discreet glances towards our table.

"I strongly doubt that's going to be possible. Just look at the way his eyes widen when he looks at you,...Alissa, all Beth needs is time. In the meantime, do your thing, watch out for Casper's teammates and try to enjoy being single. Okay?" she let go of my shoulders and instead she grabbed my face between her hands. Making it impossible for me to look at anything else but her.

"Lara,..." I began but she quickly hushed me.

"Okay?" She said once more, her eyes staring intensely into mine.

"Okay." I finally said and she let go of my face.

"That's my girl." Then she leaned in and kissed my cheek before standing up and walking away towards the entrance.

Who even is that girl? I thought to myself and a vague smile spread across my lips. Within a second my eyes wandered to where Lara had been looking, and I was greeted with a crooked smile and a nod towards the empty seat beside him.


	28. Peaceful Atmosphere

**Chapter twenty eight.**

"Good morning, love." Sirius' raspy morning voice greeted me when I arrived at their table, with his shirt barely buttoned. Why does he do these type of things? It couldn't affect only me, and when I scanned the table I could see at least three other students eyeing Sirius' bared chest. Oh, how he must enjoy the gazes.

"Sit your witty ass down, Fione." James addressed from his seat across from Sirius and I did as he said. I didn't want to draw more attention to myself at the gryffindor table then necessary.

"How are you this splendid morning?" Sirius asked so that only I could hear when I sat down, "By the look of it, your boyfriend doesn't seem too happy too see you."

"Let's just not talk about it," I said and he raised his brows in question, "At least not now. I'll tell you about it later."

He eyed me in silence for a brief second before he nodded decidedly.

"That's a conversation I'm looking forward to." he whispered and in the hiding of the table he slowly fondled his hand over my bare knee, making my heart twitch inside my poor chest. It hadn't been exposed to this much tempo increase before, like it had in the last couple of months.

The touch of his skin upon mine made my body hungry in ways I couldn't bare to think about right then. Let's just say I wasn't hungry for food anymore, I was hungry for him.

"Would you like some pumpkin juice, Alissa?" Peter offered and grabbed hold of an unused glas and filled it with the sweet liquid. I smiled at him thankfully and took a sip, and then I realised there were only three of them. Remus was nowhere to be seen, which was odd because as far as I knew the four of them basically did everything together. Back at it again with the assumptions. Didn't I tell myself to stop with that?

"So, what was I interrupting?" I asked with my hand around my glass of juice.

"We're just discussing the holidays." James answered and grabbed hold of another piece of toast.

"Any upcoming Christmas pranks I should be aware of?" I eyed him but he just laughed.

"A Marauder never tells." He winked at me and I rolled my eyes. Such dorks.

"Where are you staying during Christmas?" Sirius turned to me.

"Back at home, as always."

"And home is where, exactly?" He continued with a soft smile on his red lips.

Right, he didn't even know where I lived, and somehow that felt strange. Often it felt like I had known him for so much longer than I had and then it struck me, we don't know the least bit about each other. But that didn't have to be a bad thing, it simply meant there was a lot of new things to discover. And oh my, how I wanted to discover him. Every inch of him, his mind, his pale skin, every strand of black hair upon his head,...

"Alissa! Where did you run off to?" James called out and I shook my head as an attempt to regain my sanity.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Home is in Ilkley, Bradford."

"That sounds small," Sirius said while play fighting with Peter over the last piece of sausage, "But come on, Peter! You've had two already."

"So? I'm in need of a large breakfast, unlike you. You're just skin and bones." Peter responded in defence, trying his best to stab Sirius' hand with his fork, but Sirius was too fast.

"Hey, that's not a very nice thing to say to someone." Sirius complained, "But fine, if that's how things work around here. Be my guest wormy." he finished and let go of his own fork, letting Peter grab the lonely sausage and then he did a freakishly charming wink towards his friend. Ensuring him he was just messing around.

"Do you always have this peaceful atmosphere surrounding you during meals?" I asked, the harsh irony making Sirius laugh on my left.

"If it doesn't suit you, you can always return to your lonely spot over there." He mocked me, pointing towards the Ravenclaw table.

"Padfoot, be nice." James urged, eying his friend.

 _Padfoot,...what kind of nickname is that?_

"Maybe I will." I contoured and before I knew it a hand was grabbing my wrist.

"Please, don't." He whispered without looking my way, but his hand hugged my arm harder. Oh, I wasn't planning to.

A moment of silence fell upon the table, and Sirius slowly let go of my wrist when all three of them looked towards the entrance. When I did the same to find out what they were all looking at my eyes fell upon the pale face of Remus Lupin. His skin looked as if it was about to be absorbed by his insides, and the scars upon his face seemed to have sucked up all of the colour from his cheeks. His broad shoulders looked as if they carried the weight of the world when he walked towards us.

"Is he ill?" I asked Sirius and he answered me without letting go of Remus with his eyes.

"Yes." was all he said, and there was no doubt that he was concerned about his friend.

Remus didn't utter a word once he sat down on the empty seat next to Sirius, and none of the others did either. They all sat in silence, watching Remus as he filled up a mug of water. His every move was closely supervised and I caught myself holding my breath because of the tension that had filled the table.

The first one to speak was the man next to me when he carefully laid a hand upon Remus' tense back.

"Are you okay?" I heard him say and it at once felt as if I was intruding on the close friendship between these four men. So I quickly looked away, hoping my presence wouldn't make Remus too uncomfortable.

"I'm fine Sirius." He muttered and to my surprise he shook Sirius' hand off his back, and put his mug of water down onto the table with a slam. But there wasn't even a twitch in Sirius' movement when he moved his hand away from his friend.

"Alissa, are you ready to go?" He then asked and grabbed hold of his copy of "Advanced potion making" laying on the table. I looked at him in surprise but I was quick to get the hint, he clearly wanted to get away from there.

"Yes." I nodded and grabbed the bag that I had tossed down next to me, and without a word to any of his friends Sirius started to walk away, with me rushing behind him to keep up with his quick steps. What the hell was going on right now? He didn't seem to slow down anytime soon so when we reached the middle of the corridor I decided to stop him.

"Hey!" I shouted and grabbed hold on his sleeve to make sure he stayed put.

"What?" He shouted back at me and I took a step back in shock. _How dare he shout at me like that without a reason?_

"What just happened?" I frowned, puzzled by his sudden mood change. He stared into my eyes without even an hint of emotions before taking a deep breath.

"It's nothing." He spoke between clenched teeth and I stopped an ironic laugh that bubbled in my stomach. Because that would clearly only make things worse, that much I knew about the man in front of me.

"It's nothing, huh?" I questioned him and I could see his jaw spanning. _He's such a obstinate_. And then he took a step closer towards me, so that I now needed to glance up to look at him.

"Exactly. Now let it go." He hissed and I immediately felt the annoyance grow inside of me. How was it that he thought he could act like a cranky five year old without me questioning him? Boys.

"Fine. But then I guess you'll need to get to potions on your own." I fired back at him and before he could protest I shoved myself passed him and quickly made my way towards the classroom. _On my damn own._


	29. No Obstacles

**Chapter twenty nine.**

The day proceeded with a whole lot of grumpiness and sarcasm from my part and Lara did her best not to burst out laughing at me at least ten times during potions class. I had no idea my bad mood was such an entertaining feature in her life, which only made my mood worse.

Everything annoyed me. The sound of Slughorn's heavy breathing in front of the classroom, or the scratching of chairs whenever someone left to pick a new ingredients. The stale smell coming from the dark green potion in the cauldron that Lara was stirring and on top of everything, Sirius was sitting with his jaw clenched, his fists placed on his knees and I caught him rolling his eyes my way at least three times before I stopped gazing over at him.

I had absolutely no idea what had happened before but I sure as hell knew I was not happy with him now. And it didn't help that I, just hours before, hurt the feelings of two of the closest people in my life thanks to him.

"I told Beth I would meet her outside the DADA classroom when I was finished here. Are you okay with me leaving, grumpy?" Lara told me when we finally arrived outside of that narrow shithole of a classroom.

"Yes. I'm fine. Go." I spoke, and my way of speaking in separate words only made Lara laugh again. _Prick_.

"Don't hex anyone when I'm gone. That's an order." She smiled and gave me a quick pat on my shoulder before she vanished up the stairs. I looked after her and took a deep breath, what was I supposed to do all alone?

"Excuse me." A dark voice called from behind me and I didn't even have the time to react before the long figure of Remus pushed past me, causing me to drop the books I was holding right down on the floor. _Just great_.

"Hey!" I shouted after him but he didn't even turn around, instead he kept walking with long, quick steps up the stairs. I couldn't remember ever seeing Remus like that; offensive and provocative. It just didn't fit with the picture I had of him at all. He was warm, big-hearted and unobtrusive, but the Remus I had witnessed today was nothing like that.

I leaned down with a loud sigh to pick up the dropped books when a hand joined in to help me.

"I'm sorry about that," Lily said in her soft voice and at once some of my bad mood was replaced with thankfulness towards this kind creature. She handed me my notebook and smiled at me. "That's a nice colour." She pointed out and nodded towards the night sky blue cover.

"Thank you, Lily." I forced a smile.

"Don't mention it." She said when she got up from our position on the floor and then she offered me her hand, "Can I accompany you to next period?"

"I would actually love that." I nodded and to my delight my words seemed to annoy the crap out of the man that just walked past us. I gave him a stinky eye and it almost looked as if his eyes would get stuck in the back of his head, that's how much he rolled them at me.

"What in Merlin's beard is up with him?" Lily whispered as she followed Sirius' movement with her eyes.

"I have absolutely no idea."

"You're telling me that James Potter tried to warn you not to fall for Sirius Black?" Lily said with her eyes wide in disbelief.

"I'm telling you, that's what happened. And then he offered me a peach pastille."

"I'll be damned, and the peach pastilles must be something he picked up from all their meetings with Dumbledore," she laughed bitterly, but I could see the blood that rushed to her cheeks the more we talked about James Potter and his new way of living his life. "Did you listen to him?" She continued, as we slowly walked towards our next period.

"To be perfectly honest, I don't think I did," I hesitated before uttering the words that would come next, "I broke up with Casper yesterday."

Lily gasped and her sight grew wide once again.

"And what was the reason for this breakup, Alissa?" she squeezed my lower arm as a reminder not to lie to her.

"Perhaps it had something to do with Sirius Black, yes. That I can't deny."

"I wouldn't let you," she winked and a smile grew on my lips. Lily was such a simple person to absolutely adore. "Does he know about the breakup? Sirius I mean?"

"No." I breathed, my heart pounding faster just by the thought of telling him. Now there was no obstacles anymore stopping us from giving in to our lust, and somehow the more I thought about it, the scarier it seemed. Giving myself away to the power of Sirius Black, didn't it sound like a dangerous thing to do?

"And when will you tell him?" She debated.

"Lily,..."

"Oh no, stop that now. You're telling him. Today!" Her voice filled with determination.

"But," I tried but she was quicker. _Are she and Lara basically made by the same mettle?_

"I've spent the last three months hearing him complain over you, and I won't do it for even one more day. Understood?"

Now it was my turn to get my cheeks reddened. He had been talking about me with Lily? How was I supposed to not blush?

"Fine, I'll do it." I answered, trying my best to sound confident.

"Today?" She dared me one last time and I nodded forcefully.

"Today."


	30. Class dismissed

**Chapter thirty.**

William Thistle was in my opinion quite a handsome man, normally. But today the young defence against the dark arts teacher decided to test my lack of patience by pairing me up with no other than Casper's swine-like friend, Aaron Dalton.

Aaron was in no way the type of man I should've chosen to spend my time with outside the classroom and that was before I had cheated on his close friend and devoted quidditch captain. Because of the later, he was now acting like a complete baboon, and even that was an insult towards the whole genus of monkeys.

"Great work! Now, practice the spell again, and continue to do so until both of you feel confident to perform it in a real battle." William spoke while strolling between the many duos of students, that were all facing each other, ready to go again.

"Ready to be beaten, Fione?" Aaron grinned and sat his hand in position to fire of another spell my way.

"Oh, believe me, I am." I hissed at him, tempted to fire something way worse than _Expelliarmus_ at him, but on the other hand that would have cost me some heavy detention. It wasn't worth it.

"Whenever you're ready!" Professor Thistle yelled out again and flashes of red went off through the classroom.

" _Expelliarmus_!" I shouted as I whirled the wand in my hand and before Aaron knew it his own wand dropped down on the floor with a crack. I gave him a smug grin when he bent down to pick it up, his face turning a shade redder than before.

"Great job, Alissa!" Professor Thistle pointed out when he passed behind us and I would be lying if I said it didn't make my cheeks burn in pride. Everybody wanted to get eulogy from William Thistle. But his words weren't only heard by me, and suddenly a bunch of eyes looked my way. Including Casper's gloomy stare, Beth's hollow gaze and Sirius' burning eyes. Merlin, did I feel regarded.

I quickly let my eyes wander to the wall in front of me, trying my best not to think about all the drama that was going on around me. _It will soon fade, keep your head up, Alissa._

"What's the matter, Fione? Ashamed of your skanky-ness?" Aaron called out and the words seemed to bump upon every empty surface of the room, causing my chest to snare in anger.

I bloody well knew I had wronged Casper, but there was no excuse to use such condensing words about me, or about anyone for that matter. It was pure misogyny, especially in the mouth of Aaron Dalton. It amazed me, how someone so brutally stupid and oppressive could have ever been sorted into Ravenclaw, but then again nobody at the age of eleven was normally a imbecile sexist.

"Aaron!" I heard someone yell from the back, voice filled with disgust and caveat.

 _Merlin, I thank you for Lily Evans._

"What about it, Evans? Am I not allowed to call her out for what she really is?" Aaron ranted, with the attention off the whole class on him.

I had no idea where to put my eyes, or my hands for that matter. Because if I didn't control myself, I would probably end up giving Aaron a well deserved shiner and that too, would give me at least a month's worth of detention.

"It's not your battle, Dalton. Therefor, shut your stupid mouth." Lily continued and that's when it all went crazy.

Aaron's sight went pitch black when he quickly pointed his wand towards Lily, whom gasped for air before grabbing her wand as well. All around the classroom people started to either shout out ' _stop'_ or ' _GO!' ._

"Come on, Aaron," I hissed, my skin burning in hatred towards the hog in front of me. "Drop it."

And within a second his wand was pointed straight at my face. I caught a glimpse of Sirius taking a step closer in the left corner of my eye, but James was quick to stop him.

"Aaron Dalton, drop your wand, now!" William Thistle's voice echoed through the classroom, and he ran up to us with rapidly in his steps. His glasses almost fell off his pointy nose as he approached the angry young male. "Aaron,..." He warned before grabbing hold of the wand in his hand, "My office, now." he spat out and before turning to me he pointed towards the stairs that led up to his office. "Are you okay, Alissa?" he then asked, his eyes filled with concern.

"I'm fine," my voice cracked, "Just get him out of here."

He nodded and started to follow Aaron up the stone stairs. "Class dismissed." He muttered, waving us off with his hand. Clearly he was as upset as any of us.

As soon as the door closed behind them a drone of whispers broke out, eyes following my every breath. I didn't have the strength to face any of them, but it was hard not to meet the gazes of at least thirty people staring my way. I could see Beth and Lara, both frozen in their positions, and next to them stood Casper, too ashamed to even look me in the eye. _Coward._

The whispers grew in volume and I heard one theory after the other, and when I had heard the word _skank_ for the fifth time, I had enough.

"You heard him. Class dismissed!" I shouted and turned my heel, rushing out the door. And that's how I went from a pretty anonymous Ravenclaw to the famous crazy one in less than fifthteen minutes. Hopefully this would also fade away soon.

I walked through the corridor quickly, holding my breath without even noticing, and my heart racing inside my chest. _Fuck you, Aaron Dalton._ I screamed inside my head. _Fuck you and your fucking friends._

I was halfway to the secret room I was currently staying in when a hand grabbed my wrist from behind, and before I knew it I was swirled around, facing two dusky grey eyes and a vague scent of tobacco stuck in his tousled hair.

"So I guess you broke up with Casper?" Was the only thing he said, but the severnes in his eyes held so much more than words could ever say.

I eyed his hand around my wrist, and before speaking I inhaled a deep breath of his scent. Reminding myself of why it was worth it, all of this madness.

"I guess I did." I finally whispered. My words stroked his lips as the softest of kisses and a fire was lightened between the small space between our eyes.

And when I stood there, incapable of counting the shortest of seconds, enchanted by the sensation of his eyes upon me. I forgot about all of the things that had occurred just minutes before, and without hesitation the beautiful lips of the man holding my wrist in a steady grip, enclosed mine.

I didn't have the time to breathe, but there was no need for air when I could breathe _him_ in. I kissed him back with more determination than ever before in my entire life, _I needed him._ And his lips weren't gentle upon mine either, but suddenly he stopped.

His breath felt heavy upon my burning skin when he spoke.

"I need you to be so much closer than this." and with those words I grabbed his hand in mine, more eager than ever to reach privacy.


	31. Fumbling Hands

**Chapter thirty one.**

I had never felt so sure about anything in my life, as when warm sweaty hands fumbled over the fabrics of robes and pullovers, searching in desperation for what hid underneath. And I had never felt as beautiful as I did when Sirius undressed me in front of his eyes and his eyes only.

His fingers moved gently over the exposed skin, leaving traces of him all over that would be stuck in my mind forever. Never had someone touched me like he did. Never had something felt as it did when his lips slowly caressed my neck, my earlobe, my chest. I no longer belonged to myself, I was his, completely.

My fingers moved across his chest, grabbing hold of the last piece of clothing that hid his ivory skin from my sight, and when it slowly fell to the floor a vague smile settled upon the swollen lips of the undressed man in front of me.

"Before we do this," he breathed into my ear, as he unclutched the lace brassiere, uncovering my breasts that were now screaming for his touch, "I want you to tell me that this is what you want,..." He sighed into my ear once more, voice filled with hunger I had never heard before.

I pushed his bare chest backwards, my hands completely lost inside his hair.

"Sirius Black, I've never been more sure about _anything_. Now, shut up and get lost with me."

At once, his lips pressed against mine, breaths heavy and every bit of us pounding in lust and longing for one another. My mouth let out a pleased moan when his arms lifted me up, moving me against the softness of the bed in the corner of the room.

 _Is this a fantasy? Am I dreaming?_ My mind wandered as he laid me down upon the bed, his eyes traveling up and down my naked body before he joined me on the sheets. My hands explored him as he moved closer, his body trembling when he created a trail with his lips over my bare chest, kissing them with tenderness.

We had barely begun, but I felt as I would explode under his touch. The bare sensation of him, naked upon my body was enough to make my inside warm and ready. His pale skin looked almost unrealistically beautiful against mine, and I kissed his collarbones, letting my teeth sink into his burning flesh. His skin smelled like forest, and I couldn't adore him more. Every inch of him, I adored.

When our hands had explored all the wonderful flaws of one another, Sirius' eyes met with mine and without hesitation I gave him a quick nod. _This was what I had been waiting for since our last interaction with our lips._ And then I felt it, _him_ , as close as he could ever be and a moan slipped from my lips.

Our bodies moved together in a sweet but crazy harmony, the names of each other leaving our mouths in whispers that only we could hear.

His hands traveled up and down my body, while mine stayed on his back, my nails sinking into his skin as we both moved faster against each other. Every movement of him inside of me sent out waves of pleasure I had never in my life experienced before.

"Alissa,..." He breathed against my neck and I answered him by holding him closer, my legs hugging his waist and my lips searching after his.

His breath grew heavier and his eyes captured mine, his fingers caressing loose strands of hair away from my chin, and without warning he started to move against me with greater force than before. It was as if he could read my mind. My body started to twitch under him, my back forming into an arch, which caused him to only move faster. Moans left both of our lips as he thrusted inside of me one last time, my whole body shaking under his weight.

He leaned his head backwards as he spoke my name in pure lust before he slowly pressed his lips against mine.

"That was...something." He panted as he rolled off me, his eyes looking wild as he laid down beside me.

 _Holy mother of Merlin. It sure was, something._ It was more than something. It was the best sex I had ever had in my seventeen years on this earth.

I looked at Sirius as he slowly shut his eyes, his hair tousled around his sweaty face and his lips formed into a crooked smile. Never had I seen him look so pure, and so freakishly beautiful.

And then I remembered James' words _'Don't fall for him.'_ and at once a sting of panic hit me. _Oh James, it's too late for that now I'm afraid._


	32. Tickle the Pear

Chapter thirty-two.

I woke by fingers stroking my cheek, together with the sound of someone calling my name.

"Alissa," the voice whispered, "It's time to wake up." the fingers were still moving in slow patterns over my skin when I lazily opened my eyes, worried that the bright daylight would hit me straight in the face. But to my surprise, the room was no longer filled with the lightness of the sun outside, instead it had gone dark.

I could barely distinguish the contour of Sirius as he still laid beside me in the bed, his bare chest being the only bright thing in the room. The rest of his body was concealed underneath the sheets, and a wave of warmth washed over me when I remembered the way his naked body had moved together with mine.

"Hi," I whispered through the dark, battling the desire to grab hold of him, pressing him against me. _Alissa, you need to chill._ "What time is it?" I wanted to know.

"It's late." He answered, his hand travelling into my hair, twirling it between two fingers.

"Did we miss dinner?"

He chuckled before moving closer.

"We certainly did." he replied, his voice raspy from the hours long nap we apparently just had.

"Fuck." I groaned. My stomach echoed from emptiness.

"Are you hungry?" Sirius asked, as his fingers let go of my hair and moved them back to my face. I was on my way to answer when he pressed his lips on mine, taking me totally off guard. His lips moved gently against mine, his tongue caressing my lower lip before ending it all again, just as fast as it had begun.

"Erhm," I breathed, my head spinning from being so close to him, "Well, starving actually."

"Then get up, let's fix us something to eat." he beamed, removed the sheet of his naked body and stood up.

I didn't even feel ashamed as the blood raced to my lower parts while my eyes got stuck on Sirius' well exposed ass. _That is a fine piece of ass, I'll tell you that._

"Enjoying the view are we?" He smirked before walking of towards the pile of clothes we so beautifully had created hours before. _Yes sir, we are._

I wrapped the sheet around me and joined him on the floor, amused by the look of him searching in the dark for his drawers. I walked up to him and seized my wand out of my robe.

"Lumos." I said and the tip of my wand lightened up, spreading a flood of light across the narrow room.

"Thank you," Sirius said and grabbed his shirt from the pile and looked at me, "Are you planning on walking through the corridors in merely _that_?" He looked amused, inspecting the sheet swirled around me.

"Are you planning on walking through the corridors at all? What about curfew?" I scowled.

"My sweet summer child, haven't you learned anything after all this time?" He smiled and buttoned his shirt.

"And what on earth is that supposed to mean?" I contoured, crossing my arms over my chest.

"That I always have my ways." he struck back with a smug grin, but before I could even roll my eyes at him he had grabbed hold of my arms, dragging me towards him. _If this is what I've been missing out on all these weeks...then I'm a bloody fool._

"Aren't you curious how I got inside your dorm that night of the party?" He raised his brows in question.

"Well, of course I am. But I know you're not ever going to tell me. _'A marauder never tells.'_ "I quoted James and finally I had the opportunity to give him a real big eye roll.

"Well, I've never been a big fan of rules." He winked. "But first you need to get dressed."

I followed behind him, cautious not to trip on his heels as we marched down narrow staircases and through dim corridors. There wasn't much space underneath the sheer fabric of the cloak we carried over our bodies as a tent.

Once again he had astonished me entirely with yet another unique type of magic. _A invisibility cloak._ Who would have guessed _that_ was the reason behind the marauders great success?

"Alissa, you need to promise me one thing." Sirius stopped in the middle of a step, gripping hold of my hand in the dark.

"What?" I hissed, not entirely comfortable sneaking around the castle this late at night.

"Do not tell James I showed you the cloak." he went on, sounding rather desperate.

"How come?" I asked, but then realized there was no use to question him. "Fine, I won't tell him." I growled, and he smiled.

"Thank you." he said and leaned in to give my lips a soft kiss, and when he began walking again, I suddenly had a rough time keeping up.

So much had taken place the last two days. A threat from Iona, a split with Casper, a dip in my friendship with Beth and now _this._ Casually sneaking the hallways, kissing Sirius Black underneath a cloak of invisibility.

Suddenly he halted us in the center of the corridor. I had no idea how he could see where we'd been going through the dark, but he appeared to know precisely what he was doing as he grabbed his wand.

"Lumos," He whispered and pointed the wand at a painting right in front of where we were standing and I found myself looking straight at a bowl of fruits, "Tickle the pear." He turned to me.

 _Tickle the what?_

"You said what now?" I frowned at him and as expected he gave out a laugh.

"Can you find the pear on the painting?" He went on, yet a laugh bubbling inside his throat.

I glared at him for a great couple of seconds before eventually turning back to the painting. My eyes skimmed the fruits, and I indeed found a green pear, next to a big pineapple and purple grapes.

"And you want me to tickle _the pear_?" I questioned him, but he simply continued to nod his head. So without further ado, I laid my hand on the painting, scratching my nails on the pear that suddenly gave out a giggle. _You can't be serious. Is the pear giggling?_ Then the painted fruit started to move, transforming itself into a doorknob.

"See? I haven't gone woolly." Sirius winked and seized the knob, pushing the painting backwards to reveal a passageway.

Somehow I felt a slight irritation that Sirius knew so much about the castle that I didn't. I didn't enjoy being the one sitting on the least information, but I didn't have much time to be testy with him as he moved inside through the wide hole.

Sirius grabbed hold of the cloak and folded it inside his arms, clearly not afraid of someone seeing us inside the kitchen. Sounds of pots and casseroles slamming together echoed through the room, and when I eventually made it through the entrance, I realised why the sound had been so ear-piercing.

Everywhere around the place, house-elves were running around, either cleaning or preparing the breakfast for next day. I froze in my step at the sight. I had never realized how much work there must be to run this kitchen.

"Mr. Black!" A tiny voice called out. Running towards us was this tiniest little house-elf, her apron being way too long for her short legs and her ears resembled the ears of a big boar. Her face turned into a wide smile as she approached us, but unfortunately she forgot to watch where she was going.

 _Crash._

The small elf had run straight into a pile of stacked pots, and they were now flying around and over her little body. _Oh, sweet little creature_ my mind screamed when Sirius threw the invisibility cloak my way, rushing his way towards the elf.

"Lonpy!" He cried out, and I smirked at the tone of care in his voice.

"Oh, not again." The little elf muttered at herself, throwing her fists in the air before looking down to her feet in embarrassment.

"Lonpy, you little klutz." Sirius chuckled and offered her his hand. She gave out a loud sigh before allowing him to help her up, her hand disappearing inside his large one compared to hers.

"Look at the mess I made,..." She shook her head, "Boss won't be happy with me now." she murmured down into her apron, shame filling her enormous eyes.

"Hey, Lonpy!" Sirius sat down beside her, resting his elbow on his knee. "Don't worry about that. We'll help you clean up. Right, Alissa?" he turned around to me.

"Y-yes of course." I stammered, not prepared to be spoken to.

"You will?" Lonpy answered, staring at Sirius and thereupon me with huge round eyes. I smiled and nodded. "That's so very kind of you."

"After all the times you've helped me, it's not more than fair. Right?" Sirius gave her a little shove on her thin shoulder. At first it looked as if the elf was about to break down in tears, but to my surprise she let out a loud laugh towards Sirius.

"That is correct Mr. Black. You owe me your help." she declared and promptly pointed Sirius towards the mess on the floor, who rolled his eyes before standing up. "And you," she pointed towards me, "What's your name?"

"Alissa." I answered her, stretching out my hand to greet her, and she responded by shaking it with surprising strength.

"Pleasure to meet you. I'm Lonpy, or clumsy, whatever you prefer Ms. Alissa." she spoke, and I had already decided that this tiny creature was the most charming being I had meet, ever.

After helping the small, but determined Lonpy clean up the mess of pots, Sirius finally had the opportunity to ask her for what we had come to do in the first place. _Get food._

"Yes," Lonpy said, pointing her finger up into the air, "Lonpy will go fetch something for the two love birds." and before I could even blink she had ran off.

"What did she just call us?" I asked, laughing.

"The right answer to that question is; love birds." He answered, struggling to hold a straight face, but he failed. A crooked smile danced on his lips and I couldn't help but give out a dreamy sigh.


	33. Enjoy Him

Chapter thirty-three.

Walking the corridors the following morning, the sense of Sirius' lips upon my skin lingered still. I couldn't bear myself to feel ashamed of what had occurred in class the day before. Yes, being unfaithful isn't in any way justified, and that I still felt dreadful about. But as I glanced to my right, gazing at the smirking face of a tiered Sirius Black I allowed myself to enjoy it. _Enjoy him._

"Sirius...," I spoke, and he turned my way.

"Yes?"

I hesitated, I didn't want him to assume the wrong thing about what I would suggest next.

"I believe it's for the best we arrive separately to class," I announced, observing him before adding, "I would prefer to spare Beth from any incommodious situation."

"Of course." he consented, and I couldn't figure out whether he minded it or not. To make sure he didn't get the wrong impression, I stopped him.

"If it weren't for Beth, I would've more than gladly walked with you to class," I winked and grabbed hold of the collar of his shirt, and dragged his face to mine. "Or if it weren't for Beth, I would gladly not even walk to class today." I sighed before bringing his lower lip between my teeth, biting it affectionately. I viewed him with pleasure as he shut his eyes, inhaling the scent of my breath as he kissed me back with passion. His cheeks flushing, and his hands drifting up into my hair. I realized that the idea to kiss him outside the secrecy of the Room of Requirement wasn't measured. There wasn't any way I could control myself when he touched me as he did.

Sirius breath felt warm against me as our lips tasted each other like an addict tasted the first sip of wine after a long time of soberness.

 _You need to stop this Alissa before someone sees you._ I pleaded with myself as his body pushed me against the corridor wall. But how? How do you force yourself to stop something that makes you feel more than good, more than alive even? But suddenly I recalled a thought I had during the night I had promised myself to ask him before class. _Why had Remus been acting so weird yesterday and was there anything I could do for him?_

"And there's another matter I wanted to speak to you about," I spoke between the seconds our lips were apart. Sirius leaned backward so I could talk.

"Yes?" his brows arched.

"What's the reason for Remus strange behaviour yesterday?" I bit my lip, wishing I didn't sound nosey. Actually, I felt concerned.

Sirius' eyes expressed a second of surprise before he carelessly looked around the hallway.

"Oh, that's nothing really," he explained, his voice dripping off evasion.

"And what do you say if I say I don't believe that for one bit?" I fired back, trying my best to keep a steady stare. At first, he looked down to the floor, and then he gave out a chuckle.

"Well, then I would claim you're not stupid," he grinned, and I rolled my eyes.

"Duh."

"But, it's not my business to speak about." he stopped smiling, and I understood that was it. Sirius wouldn't tell me a thing. Even tho I wanted to understand, I also felt happy for Remus to have a friend like that in his life.

"You're a great friend, Sirius." I beamed.

"Duh," Sirius answered before lowering his lips to mine once more.


	34. Professor Thistle

Chapter thirty-four.

A low knock on the classroom door made all of us freeze in our seats as we watched Professor McGonagall's reaction. She stopped right in the middle of a sentence about the very many risks with human transfiguration. Her mouth pursed into a thin line and her eyes inspecting the door as if it had spoken something inappropriate underneath her small glasses.

"Come in." She spoke after a long couple of seconds, and the dozen of eyes in the classroom looked at the door when a head appeared in the opening.

"Good morning Minerva," the charming voice of William Thistle spoke and at once professor McGonagall relaxed in her stale posture.

"Good morning to you as well, William. To what do we owe this early visit?" Her eyebrows raising above her glasses.

"I was merely hoping to have a word with one of your students." He explained, opening the door a few inches more.

"And whom might that student be?" She said, debating on whether she would agree to his request or not.

"That will be Alissa Fione," he acknowledged and glanced my way.

 _Me? But why? Was this because of what had occurred yesterday?_

And suddenly all the eyes settled upon me, precisely as foreseen. At first, I peered down at the haggard bench, but I then gathered all of my pride and looked up at the professor at the door. I couldn't allow myself to let the words of Aaron Dalton define me.

"She's yours." McGonagall decided and without another word, she returned to her lecture. Professor Thistle smiled at me and made a gesture for me to follow him out the doorway, so I seized my notes and quill, slipping it inside of my bag and rose up from my position. Before I snuck out the door behind the professor, I gave Sirius a hasty glimpse, and he gave me a discreet smirk.

I followed the professor through the momentarily empty hallways, aside from two truants lingering in the window seats. He didn't utter a word, and I thought it was most suitable to allow him to speak first, I was after all a student of his.

He first spoke as we entered his office inside the DADA-classroom, and at once I felt misplaced. I had never before been inside the office I was presently standing in, and I didn't know where to put myself.

"Please, sit down," Professor Thistle said and pointed towards a large leather armchair underneath the single window, that barely let enough light inside. I did as I was told and took a seat, my bag still on my shoulder. "Don't look so afraid, Fione. You've done nothing wrong." he beamed at me when he caught sight of the puzzled expression on my face, and at once I dropped the bag on to the floor.

I wasn't one of those students that repeatedly got called into the teacher's office since I had never been in trouble or in the danger zone to fail a course. I had been inside Professor Flitwick's office in the fifth year, discussing future occupations, and once I had been reported to Professor Dumbledore's office after throwing a piece of pie in the snakelike face of Emma Vanity in the third year. _We obviously didn't get along._

"Can I provide you with a cup of tea?" Professor Thistle asked as he hung his coat behind the now closed door.

"Yes please, professor." I nodded politely, and the man looked as if he would choke on the laugh escaping his mouth.

"Please, call me William." He demanded, still smiling when he stirred inside of a flying teapot that soon descended on the table next to my comfy seat.

"If you say so, William." I grimaced at the sound of me calling a professor by his first name. Somehow it felt quite odd, then again William Thistle wasn't like other professors. He was far younger, and there was something earthy about him, as he saw himself as our equal rather than our teacher.

"Sugar?" He asked after he had supplied me a cup of the warm tea and I shook my head, "Me neither." he added and filled his own cup.

I gripped the cup that resembled the inside of an oyster, white pearl like shimmering in the dim sunlight. It was a beautiful set of teacups that I couldn't argue.

"You're probably wondering why I brought you here this forenoon, yes?" He arched a brow and took a sip from his cup, crossing his legs, revealing a colourful pair of socks underneath his light brown suit.

"That I do," I answered, biting my lip to avoid smiling at the sight of his socks. They were just so fitting, and they somehow made me happy.

"Well, I have been mulling over a lot about what took place in my classroom yesterday,..." he admitted, his forehead frilly and his eyes seemed sad, "And I needed to make sure you're okay."

"Prof-" I began but the expression on Williams face made me stop short, "William, I really appreciate what you did yesterday, and I'm okay. Really."

He slowly nodded, his forehead still in a frown. "That's good, Alissa. But I need you to promise me one thing, okay?"

"Of course," I answered at once.

"If Aaron Dalton or any other student bothers you or anyone else like that again, you need to tell me." He requested, every word spoken with great sincerity.

"I will, I promise," I responded, shocked by how much he appeared to care.

He took a deep breath and sighed heavily, shaking his head and gazed out the window to our left.

"I'm so done with how we raise our sons to disrespect women, even in the Wizarding community. It needs to come to an end." his jaw clenched as he spoke, his hand clutching the tea cup harder.

"I totally agree," I said, still a smile lurking in the corner of my mouth. This was not what I had expected to happen when he had called me out from transfiguration class. My expectations had been about him informing me how Aaron blamed me for what had happened, or perhaps he would ask me to apologize to Casper to prevent anything like that happening again. But never this.

"And I may not have a son of my own, but I would like to help in the only way I know how. By teaching."

Half an hour passed by quickly inside the small office, and when I finished my third cup of tea, I grabbed my bag from the floor.

"William, this has been great but I'm afraid Professor Sprout won't be as accepting as McGonagall. That woman doesn't have a soft spot for anyone, not even for you." I quipped, making William chuckle loudly in his seat.

"I totally understand. It was very nice speaking to you, Alissa, let's do it again sometime. Ay?" he said and put down his teacup on the table to stand up.

"I would love to." I nodded, a warm feeling of thankfulness towards the young professor growing inside my chest. He walked in three long steps to the door and opened it for me, and when I stepped outside he added.

"Remember what you promised me. Don't let those foolish boys win. Tell professor Sprout I said hi, and that I'm sorry I delayed you."

And when I walked outside the castle towards the green houses, I was surer than ever that yesterday hadn't meant a dime to me. Nothing would bring me down, not Casper, not his teammates and especially not Aaron Dalton.


	35. Symbol of the heart

Chapter thirty-five.

Once more I sat alone at the Ravenclaw table in the Great-hall, but this time I ate the food on my plate. Herbology class had rushed by and I didn't receive even one dirty look from Aaron which showed William must've got to him somehow.

I glimpsed over at Lara and Beth who remained on the end of the table, both sitting in silence, peering down at their plates. Lara tried to crack a joke, but it died as soon as it left her mouth, and Beth gave her a constrained smile. Give it time, she'll forgive you, eventually. I stopped myself when the impulse to join them struck me. _I needed to stand for my actions and live with the consequences._ Despite how badly I needed to talk to Lara about the marvelous sex I had yesterday. I had to wait.

Suddenly there was someone tapping my shoulder. I swiveled around in wonder to meet the apologetic face of Remus Lupin staring down at me.

"Can I have a seat?" he asked, his hands hiding in his pockets.

"Of course," I faltered and removed my bag away from my right side to give him room to sit. Normally I wouldn't feel nervous at all to speak to Remus, but after his strange behaviour yesterday I seemed to have forgotten how to act natural.

"Well, first, I'm so sorry that I shoved you like that after potions," he looked at me, guilt written all over his weathered face, "and I also wanted to tell you that we all believe Aaron Dalton can get knotted."

"It's okay, Remus. I was a little shocked that's all."

He nodded in understanding, his wavy curls falling into his sights.

"We all have our bad days, don't we?" He then said, his mouth turning into something I assumed was a smile.

"About that, you're darn right." I murmured, dropping my fork down on my plate, glancing over at Beth once more.

"She'll forgive you," Remus let out as if he had the solutions to all the problems in the world.

"How can you know that?" I glowered at him.

"Because that's what friends do." He returned, his eyes shifting from apologetic to those kind-hearted I was used to, and I believed him. There was something about that man's aura, his whole being that enclosed you with trust.

"Thank you, Remus. I needed to hear those words." I felt the urge to hug him but sensed that was taking things too far. He didn't seem as a hugger, perhaps James Potter was, but not Remus Lupin.

"Anytime, Alissa." was the last thing he said before standing up again, walking off to our next period. Divination.

"Good afternoon children," Professor Trelawney spoke in her screeching voice, on the edge to be unpleasant, almost. But her loving and wayward personality always compensated for the ringing in your ears after class, "Today I've prepared tea and cups, and you all know what that means,..." she tested the few students that had chosen her class for their N.E.W.T's.

A tumultuous buzz of protests went off across the round classroom, making the professor wave her hands in irritation.

"I know, I know, 'we've done that a thousand times'," she mimicked us, "but there's no denying the importance of practice for tea leaf reading. Come on, come on. Grab a cup!" She waved us forward where she had prepared ten teacups, and we all filled them up one after one before returning to our seats.

"Drink now," she said and grabbed a cup of her own, looking at it with excitement.

I met Remus sight across the room and a faint giggle escaped my mouth when he rolled his eyes at the woolly but proficient professor. When we all had finished our tea, she nodded her head towards us.

"Now, I want you to read into your own teacup instead of a friend. Sarah, would you like to go first?" She looked at the Hufflepuff girl with wide eyes, and Sarah winced in surprise before grabbing her cup from the table.

"Absolutely professor," she replied and read the symbols that had taken shape in the small cup, "I see a sun, which usually represents a new beginning or success, and next to the sun there's a right turned arrow, meaning,..." she examined the side that laid open in her book. "Greater than."

"Yes, yes! Fantastic Sarah. And is there anything in your life representing these symbols?" Trelawney asked eagerly.

Sarah hesitated before speaking again.

"Well, I've recently entered a new relationship,...and my new partner is in every sense better than my last one." She declared, a smile forming on her lips and her cheeks flushing in light pink.

A smirk settled on my lips as well when Sarah shut her book, she was both happy about what her tea leaves had said but still a bit ashamed she had told the class about her private life.

"Lovely, Sarah. Thank you." Trelawney said as she glanced around the room for the next reader, and I wasn't shocked at all when her eyes landed on me.

"Alissa, do you feel urged to go next?" Her big eyes following my every move and instead of answering I just grabbed my cup and stared down at the leaves on the bottom. In the middle of the cup, there was a clear shape of a heart and at once blood rushed to my cheeks. Surrounding the heart was a vague circle.

"Well, what do you see, love?" The professor was eager to know, and I glimpsed at the book laying on the table.

"There's a circle, often having the meaning of change or evolution," I explained, unwilling to utter what laid inside the circle since people knew about mine and Casper's split. Buying me some time, I opened the book, searching for the symbol of the heart.

"What else?" Trelawney wanted to know, and I shook my head.

"A heart. There's a heart inside of the circle." I stammered.

"And what does the symbol of the heart say, child?"

I leaned over the book and read; _The symbol of a heart has several meanings, depending on the reader. The most common meaning is; love and romance. But the heart also has a meaning of betrayal and family relationships. Be careful with how you interpret the meaning of the heart. It can often fool you._

"I'm not sure,..." I answered her. "Is there a possibility the heart can have over one meaning?" I looked at the professor who nodded her head up and down so fast her glasses almost fell off.

"Naturally it can." She stated, and I went back to stare at the little black symbol. It felt as if it mocked me, laughing at me from down there. _What in the bloody hell did it mean?_


	36. The First Snow

╔══════════════╗  
Yesterday I was clever,  
So I wanted to change  
the world.  
Today I am wise,  
So I am changing  
myself.  
\- Rumi.  
╚══════════════╝

Chapter thirty-six.

The first snow fell on December the sixteenth, and I had quickly forgotten all about the mysterious tea leaf reading when the holidays approached. Two weeks had passed by since Beth sent me away from our dorm. I had hardly had the chance to talk with Lara about all the things that had happened during the days away from each other, and it was becoming really frustrating.

I was seated in the library, struggling to form the last letter to mother and father before going home for Christmas six days later, but whenever I began to write the words seemed to get stuck underneath my quill. I didn't fancy to tell them about my little cheating story with Sirius Black, but that seemed to be the only thing on my mind. _Him._

I dropped the quill upon the third attempt at a letter and gave out a sigh when looking out on the snowflakes that fell outside the windows, creating a white bedplate over the school grounds. _Stop thinking about him, Alissa._ I scolded myself, hugging my wrist hard.

Every second of every day involved at least one thought about Sirius Black, and Sirius Black's hands, and his hair, and his mouth, and his naked skin, and- _Bloody hell, STOP IT!_ I grunted, again. I had presumably spent too much time with him the last couple of weeks for my own good. But I didn't have a reason strong enough not to be with him because the reason _remain sane_ didn't seem to cut it.

"Ms. Fione, I'm closing the library in fifteen minutes." Irma Pince stuck her head inside the aisle to tell me.

"Yes, of course. Thank you, Irma," I answered and peered down at the empty paper once again. I had been trying to write something in over an hour now, it was hopeless. So I snatched the paper and crumpled it inside my hand. Mother and father would have to endure it without a report of my dramatic life at school. I slipped the quill in my bag and jumped down from my seat at the window, marching out the deserted library with hurried steps, as if the speed of my walking would make me think any clearer. It wouldn't.

The moment I stepped outside my body crashed into someone that had made their way inside, both of us so stuck in our own thoughts to notice each other.

"Merlin, I'm so sorry!" I shook my head before looking at the person I had crashed into.

"Alissa!" A familiar voice let out, and my eyes widened at the sight of Beth's face so near to mine.

"Oh," I gasped, shocked to see her here at this hour, "Hi," my voice sunk low. I reminded myself of an ashamed dog in front of its master after getting caught doing something forbidden.

"I have been looking for you," She then said, tugging on her sleeve.

"You have?" I arched a brow, and she nodded slowly.

"I figured it's time for us to speak about what everything."

 _Finally._ I thought, but I was frightened to find out what she would put forth.

"Are you sure?" I said, taking a firmer grip on the strap to my bag.

"Yes, Alissa. I'm sure," She almost smiled when uttering the last sentence, and thereupon she pointed me up towards the nearest staircase. "I assume you've missed our dorm?"

 _Actually, not that much._ Since Sirius had been spending every night with me in my own little room, doing everything except sleeping. At least I had got him to come to terms with two hours of study time before we could enjoy ourselves.

"But isn't there nosey ears in the common room?" I questioned her, but she only rolled her eyes. I had surely missed that eye roll, even if it couldn't be compared to Lara's.

"Stop thinking I will scream at you or something, because I won't," she turned to me when we reached the second stair, "So stop look so frightened."

"I'm doing my best," I defended myself and a small laugh left Beth's lips. Perhaps this would turn out well after all.

The common room was silent, even though it was filled with students of all ages, all of them with their heads down in a textbook or their notes.

"I can't deny it, I've missed this tower," Was the first thing I said when we entered and a several of heads lifted from their studies to eye the intruder that disturbed their peace.

"What about the armchairs closest to the window?" Beth suggested, pointing towards the spot in the room she knew was my absolute favourite.

"But Beth, there are at least fifteen people in here?" I said, not that eager to open up my heart in front of anyone except Beth.

"Ever heard of a silencing charm, smart as?" She smirked and didn't wait for me to answer before she went to sit in one of the unoccupied chairs. I followed with heavy steps. This was the first time in my life I would need to apologise for something bad I had done to my friend. I would be lying if I said I felt confident about it.

Beth took out her wand and cast the silencing charm around us, and I sat down. "Okay, so," I flustered, my hands arranged in an awkward position on my thighs, "Beth, I'm so, so sorr-"

"Before you say anything else," she stopped me, holding one of her tiny hands up in front of my face, "I want you to know I'm not mad about what you did," she took a deep breath before proceeding, "Alissa, what hurt me was that you didn't tell me."

"I- really?"

She glanced down at her hands that now laid in her lap, and I could see her lip shaking faintly.

"Yes, really," she didn't look at me while fighting back the tears, but when she didn't succeed she looked up, a single drop falling from her eyes. "Oh damn it," she burst out, wiping the tear away, "I promised myself not to cry."

"Beth, it's okay. You're allowed to cry, even to scream if you want to, maybe even to throw stuff," I assured her, and a bitter laugh escaped her lips.

"I told you, I will not scream at you," she said, laying her hand back in her lap.

"I'm just saying if you want to, do it."

"That wouldn't make me feel better, but I've prepared some things I want to have said," She explained, and I stayed silent, waiting for her to start.

"Okay," she finally said, taking a deep breath to courage herself up, "As I've already said, I'm not mad at you for being with Sirius behind my back, or for cheating on Casper. I've been mad at you for not telling me earlier, and for not letting me in, Alissa. If you had told me before the party that you somewhat felt interested in Sirius, as you told Lara, I would've gladly helped you with it. You see?"

I nodded in silence, taking in every single word she said. I had no idea this was what she had felt.

"I'm not as fragile as you think. I could have handled the fact that the guy I was having a crush on, instead had a crush on my best friend. And it makes me sad that you couldn't see that, and that you always seem to shut me out." She stopped to take another deep breath. "I'm your best friend too, Alissa, you don't have _only_ Lara."

An unpleasant feeling grew in my chest the more she spoke, and my throat turned dry, but I had to handle this. There was no way I could leave her hanging with the words she had just so openly exposed.

"Beth, I'm so sorry I haven't been the friend you deserve," was the first thing I said, and maybe it was the most sincere words I spoken in a long time, "And I'm so sorry I've constantly shut you out of my life. That's something I must work on, letting you in."

"Thank you for saying that, Alissa. I know how much you struggle with dealing with your own feelings, but I honestly think I could help you a lot with that since I'm the most emotional person I know," She smiled, no longer a tear in sight.

"Actually, I think you're more than right," I stated, thinking back about the conversation I had with Sirius a week ago about my jealousy towards Beth's capabilities to express emotions.

"Of course I am," She smiled and finally, the air felt completely ginned. "Now, let's tell Lara the good news."

"Which is?" I asked while standing up, and Beth smiled wide at me.

"That everything is back to normal."

"Iiiih, finally!" Lara cried out when the two of us entered our dorm. She rushed up from her bed, causing the book that had laid in her lap to fall to the floor. Her arms open wide when she embraced booth of us, "Is everything said and done now? Are you okay?" She said, still hugging us both.

"We're okay," Beth smiled, pushing Lara away so we could breathe.

"Thank Merlin, I wouldn't stand a day longer without both of you," She said, smiling widely, her eyes glowing. She walks back to her bed and jumped on it, her hair bouncing around her face.

"Now, Alissa. I guess you have a lot to tell us," She raised her brow.

"I do?" I said and walked to sit at the end of Beth's bed instead of Lara's as usual. _Small steps._

"Oh yes, you do," Beth followed, sitting down next to me.

"Fire away. What do you want to know?" I smirked, and Lara was quick to answer.

"What's the sex like?" Her eyes burning with excitement. A laugh left my mouth before eyeing them both gravely.

"It's insanely good."


	37. Pleasures

**Chapter thirty-seven.**

I had five more minutes until curfew to get to the Room of Requirement, and I rushed down the stairs as if my life depended on it. I knew far too well what was waiting behind that huge door, and a quiver ran down from my chest to my middle parts of the mere thought of it. I had gotten my friends back, and now I was on my way to get my mind blown for at least the fifteenth time this week. You could say, my life was pretty darn good at the moment.

I arrived at the door just in time and entered, my breath short after the run I'd just made. The room was dimmed, the only source of light being a lightened oil lamp at the opposite side of the bed, and that's where he sat, waiting patiently in one armchair.

I couldn't stop the beam that rose on my lips when I looked at him, and it somehow frightened me; how delighted his presence made me.

"You've kept me waiting," he pouted, with a hidden smirk in the corner of his mouth.

"I have a good reason," I announced, sliding my bag down next to the bed. He glanced up from the parchment he was holding, tapping it with the top of his wand before folding it and placing it inside of his back pocket.

"Let's hear it then." He sneered, looking as arrogant as always, pointing me towards the armchair across from his.

"I think you must join me over here, I'm sick of armchairs after today, you see." I teased him, and he eyed me for a second before rising up.

"Is that so?" He smirked, stepping towards me in neat steps. When he reached me, he pushed me gently against the bed beam behind me, seizing hold of my robe with his left hand and the other hand he laid on my upper arm.

This, this was the exact reason I hadn't been able to even write a bloody letter earlier today. The sense of him being the only thing on my mind, from early morning to late night when we finally got to touch each other without boundaries again.

Sirius lowered his head, hiding his face behind my hair, caressing my earlobe with his soft lips.

"I've missed you." He whispered against my skin, his voice filled with lust and longing.

"Mmhm," I answered, my head bent backwards, my eyes closed. I couldn't even remember what I was about to tell him anymore, not when he touched me like this. His lips travelled up my jaw, and before they met with mine, he stopped for just a second to look into my eyes. His sight filled with warmth, and then he kissed me. His plump lips pressing against mine, and I lost track of everything. I laid my hand on his jaw, pressing his lips even closer to mine.

"Wasn't there something you wanted to tell me?" He laughed as my breath got heavier.

"Well yes," I muttered, "It's not my fault I can't concentrate when you do stuff like this."

"Stuff like what?" He wanted to know, and before I knew it his hand was between my legs, and his lips were drawn to my neck as if there were magnets pulling them together.

"This, Sirius. You, touching me." I panted, as his hand rubbed my sensitive area with light strokes.

"I'm sorry love, I don't know what you're talking about." he spoke innocently as his free hand unbuttoned my shirt.

"You know, I wanted to share the good news with you, but maybe I've changed my mind." I tried to mock him back, losing my credibility when a groan slipped my mouth as his hand massaged my now naked breast.

"Share all you want, just as long as you allow me to pleasure you at the same time." I didn't need to see him, to know he had a crooked smile on his lips as they fondled towards my exposed breast.

"Okidokie," I started, but stopped when he grabbed hold of my hips, pushing me on to the unmade bed.

"Don't mind me, continue." He said, taking a hold of the edge of my skirt, pulling it down my legs. I didn't want to let him win, so I looked up at the sky blue ceiling. Keeping my focus on what I wanted to tell him.

"I sat alone in the library,"

"Mhm." He breathed, placing soft kisses up my leg after he dropped my skirt down to the floor, and as he did so, he grabbed both of my shoes, tossing them on top of my skirt.

"And then Irma came to tell me she was closing for the night-," gasp. Sirius' lips were now ridiculously close to my groin, and his hand stroked me over the fabric of my knickers.

"Then what happened, love?" He asked, moving his lips to my stomach. The tip of his tongue stroking my skin, from my belly button to my ribs, to that birthmark I hated so much and from there up to my hardened nipple.

"Ehm, then I," I closed my eyes, fighting back a moan before I could talk again. His tongue played with my nipple in his mouth, drawing circles around it, giving it a soft bite. "Then I was about to leave, when..."

Oh, hell no.

Without warning his hand slide inside of my knickers, massaging the most sensitive part of my body with those magical fingers of his.

"You were about to leave, when what happened?" he teased me, moving away from my upper body. Instead, he placed kisses upon the lace fabric that protected my now wet nub.

"I crashed into Beth, and she-"

There was no way I could win this round, but I wasn't giving in. Not even when he pulled my knickers down to my ankles, then adding them to the little pile of my clothes on the floor. His lips kissing me, all over my pulsing flesh.

"Oh, you meet with Beth? What did she want?" He asked, but before I answered him, his lips were pressed against me. His tongue sliding deep inside of me, and his finger still massaging my clit.

Asshole. Why did he have to be such a sexy fucking asshole?

"She, ehm, she wanted to- Oh fuck!" I moaned when he replaced his tongue with his fingers, and instead, his lips sucked on my now swollen clit.

"What was that? Do you give up love?" He said, and I groaned in both pleasure and irritation.

"No," I spoke between my teeth.

As a response, his fingers slid in and out of me with faster phase, and his tongue worked my other parts.

"As I said, I met with Beth, and she wanted to talk about everything that has happened, so we- Oh my, Sirius," I moaned as his fingers hit the exact right spot, and his mouth that carefully licked me would soon push me off the edge. But I wasn't willing to give it to him just yet, so I pushed my head backwards, struggling not to come under him.

"So we walked to our common room, to talk. And she explained what she had felt when I did as I-" I couldn't hold it any longer, as he was equally determined to win this as I was. So without thinking another thought about fighting back, I grabbed hold of his hair with one hand and the other grabbed a hard hold of the bed frame, my body surrendering underneath his wonderful touch.

He moved inside of me as he understood I was about to burst, his tongue stroking me in the same phase as my body trembled underneath his face. I hugged the bed frame harder, my nails digging deep into the wood and I pressed his face closer against me as shiver after shiver of pleasure rinsed over me. A loud moan left my mouth as I felt a warm sensation explode inside and outside of me, my body twitching hard before the feeling slowly faded away. Sirius lips still pressed against me when I gasped for air.

He soon looked up at me from his position, a taunting smile dancing on his lip and his hair in a complete mess around his blushing face. He crawled up from my naked and sour arch and placed a kiss upon my forehead.

"Are you happy now?" I grunted, and he laughed faintly.

"More than happy," he said and kissed my lips. "Now, please tell me about your good news. I had a hard time keeping up before."


	38. A Dutch Braid

Chapter thirty-eight.

Friday afternoon, and four more days at Hogwarts before we all traveled back home to celebrate Christmas. Everyone except Sirius, who I now knew lived at the Potter's household and he had been living there for almost three years now. I had always, since I started to spend time with him, felt respect towards James Potter but after finding out all the stories about him taking care of Sirius when his family didn't, made me respect him even more. There was so much more than the eye could see to that fellow. That goes for all of them; the Marauders.

Especially the man who sat behind me in the window seat, caressing the top of my hand with his thumb, while attentively listening to Lara ranting about Severus Snape and his annoying potions skills. This morning he had basically snatched the price of a rare Jobberknoll feather from her by brewing a marginally more perfect draught of living death, and she had a rough time letting it go.

"If you would have asked me a year ago, I would offer myself to perform a nasty prank on Snivellus, but I'm afraid I've left that lifestyle behind me," Sirius said when Lara had finished her brawl towards the gloomy looking Slytherin.

"Nevertheless I appreciate the thought, Sirius," she smiled, and I saw her eyes falling down to our intertwined hands, "So, got any plans for tonight?"

Sirius looked at me with a questioning look at the exact same time as I looked at him with the same expression in my eyes.

"Do you have something particular in mind?" I turned to my best friend, still utterly pleased to have her and Beth back, and this time our friendship felt somewhat even stronger.

"Oh I don't know,...Illegal drinking and smoking in the Gryffindor common room, perhaps?" She beamed and clapped her hands together.

"I'm so sorry I didn't meet you sooner, Miss. Killick," Sirius complained, "Those are the two things I happen to be an absolute expert at."

Lara raised her edged eyebrow and added with a teasing tone, "That's not the only thing you're an expert at, I've heard." and then she made a snapping sound with her tongue against her palate.

"Merlin, Lara, _shut up_ ," I buzzed, blood flooding to my cheeks when Sirius started to chuckle. Dragging me towards him with his left arm, my back resting against his chest as he laid his lips against my hair.

"Is that so?" He said, and there was no mistake in the elation in his voice.

"In my defense, I said those words in assurance they wouldn't leave the room, Lara." I glared at the laughing woman in front of me.

"I really don't mind, you know." He chuckled still, and I looked back at him, his eyes glistening from something that must've been joy and I couldn't help but smile.

The more time spent with him, the less uptight I felt. This week I had even forgotten to do my herbology homework, and instead, I had followed Sirius out to the black lake, listening to him as he pointed out all the stars in the night sky that his family had been named after. I already knew all of them, but that I didn't tell him. Instead, I sat in silence, my hand on his thigh in a small gesture of support. There was something special sitting close to him, watching as his fingers moved over the canopy, a hint of sadness in his eyes as he stared at the stars that reminded him of the family he didn't belong with.

When his hand pointed towards the constellation of Leo, I knew I soon had the perfect opportunity to ask him about his brother's disappearance, but the moment he said; "And that's the star of Regulus, my little brother." I couldn't bring myself to ask, all I could do was to sit there close to him, hoping he would understand I had grown to care about him and that if he ever needed me, I'd be there.

"So, it's a plan then I guess?" Lara proclaimed, jumping down from her seat at the window, shaking her legs to get the blood circulation back after a long while of sitting down.

"Fo' shizzle," Sirius agreed. "I just need to make sure there still some fire-whiskey left, but I wouldn't worry about that. If James has drunk it all, he's the one getting us more."

"Is there anything you want me to bring? Except for my extraordinary self?" Lara asked, grabbing her notebook from where she had been seated.

"Bring Sarah!" I said, excitement starting to build up in my stomach.

"And Beth," Sirius added, and both I and Lara looked at him in surprise, "I think it's time I give her a sincere apology for my awful behaviour, don't you?" He frowned, and just before he started to look too uncomfortable with the silence, Lara gave him an encouraging tap on his shoulder.

"You're really starting to grow on me, Sirius Black." and with those words, she left us.

Sirius' hand let go of mine, and instead, he laid it inside my hair, starting to comb it between his fingers.

"And what about you, Fione?" He asked, his voice now low and tempting.

"What about me?" I said, looking out on the snow clad grounds and at four Gryffindor first years throwing snowballs at each other.

"Am I growing on you too?"

A smile settled on my lips as I turned my face towards his.

"Is there really any doubt about that?" I arched a brow and looked into his beautiful eyes.

He inhaled a deep breath, and I took the opportunity to take him off guard, laying my lips on his, kissing him softly. He closed his eyes, parting his warm lips so that I could breathe him in. The tip of his tongue slowly touched mine, but only for a second, before it vanished behind his teeth.

"I'll take that as a yes." He whispered into my ear, leaning back against the wall once more, a smug grin on his face. I didn't answer, there was no need to. I opened my bag, taking out my Transfiguration textbook and started reading at page 302. Still on the subject of human transfiguration.

Sirius sighed but didn't protest, instead, he went back to fiddle with my hair, his flick fingers moving tenderly over my head.

"A Dutch braid?" I wanted to know after a while, astonished by how easily and smooth he had made the hairdo.

"Mhm," he hummed, obviously too occupied with the braid to answer anything more detailed, and a warmth spread out across my chest. Down to my stomach and up to my cheeks it spread, like wildfire, it lightened up inside of me.

 _Was I falling in love with him?_ Never had someone's touch and presence affected me like he did right then and there. Not Casper, nor the boys before him, not anyone. Except for Sirius Black, but I was quick to push that kind of thoughts away. I couldn't risk this; what I had with him, by falling in love. That would be such a stupid thing to do.


	39. Eavesdrop

**Chapter thirty-nine.**

"Welcome ladies, and- boy!" James bowed at the entrance to their common room, wearing his Quidditch robe and slacks, only. Greeting us with small jugs of something I assumed was fire whiskey. "Trevor, wait right here and I'll bring you a welcome drink," James rushed into the room to catch a drink for the boy we had with us. And it wasn't just any boy. It was Trevor Abbot, the Ravenclaw seeker, the former friend of Casper Wilkinson and Aaron Dalton, and today also Beth's _date._ In my opinion, she couldn't have picked a better man for the job. Trevor possessed a certain amount of common decency that wasn't often found in teenage boys.

"Are we expected to drink these?" Lara eyed her liquor with sceptical eyes, "Couldn't at least Lily serve us the welcome drinks? Who knows what these are spiked with?"

"Shucks," I shrugged my shoulders, "Bottoms up!" I said before sinking the drink in one gulp, the others following my example. This would be a great night.

James returned with a shot for Trevor who politely accepted it, and without a doubt, he drank the whole thing, grimacing as the bitter taste of the alcohol passed his taste buds.

"Come in!" James shouted, and we all accompanied him inside. I didn't understand how they had gotten the minors to stay away from the common area but I was glad they had. It wouldn't feel right getting hammered in the presence of twelve-year-olds, even though they would probably enjoy themselves.

"Alissa!" Lily cried out when she saw me across the room, and she was quick to give up her seat next to Mary and Merlene by the fireplace, "I should strangle one of you," she said, eyeing Lara with dark eyes, "I should be studying, not getting drunk with you bonkers."

"If four Ravenclaws lets loose four days before the last examination of the year, so can you, Lily," I taunted her, pulling her into a hug.

"I suppose your witty as is correct," She laughed and went to greet Beth and Trevor.

I searched around the room for the black haired, -probably already wasted- Sirius Black, but he was nowhere to be seen.

"I'm just going to look for Sirius, I'll find you later," I said to Lara and Sarah, who both nodded before I wandered towards the steps to his dorm.

 _Am I being too dorky? I mean, I'm searching for him already? I've been here for hardly ten minutes._

But I didn't turn around, instead, I walked up the last step and stopped before the closed door to their dorm room, on my way to knock when I overheard voices inside.

"Moony, you need to talk to me!" I heard Sirius speak, his voice moving around the room.

"What is there to say, Sirius?" Remus' voice called out, and I froze in my position. His tone reminded me of that morning two weeks ago, when he had been acting so odd.

"Quite a lot, actually," Sirius raised his voice, still walking around the room, "What about; Hey Sirius, I'm still fucking pissed at you for not being there for me last full-"

"Fine!" Remus shouted, and I held my breath, "I'm still mad at you, and I'm scared you will do it again."

"Rem, I'll never abandon you like that again. Okay?" He stopped, and I knew it was wrong of me to still stand there and listen to their obvious private conversation, but if I moved now they would likely hear the floor under me creak, so I remained still.

"Only time will tell," Remus answered, his tone already milder, "Can we please get drunk now? I need a drink."

 _Shit, shit, shit._ I had time to think before the door shut open and I looked right at the long figure of Remus Lupin.

"I'm-" I stuttered, "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop, it just, kind of happened," I looked at him with my most apologetic eyes and my cheeks burned in shame.

He was clearly surprised to see me standing right outside the door, but he was quick to gather himself.

"Apology accepted, Alissa," He smiled, but I could tell it didn't reach his eyes, "He's all yours. Nice braid." He added before walking past me and down the stairs.

Why Alissa? Why didn't you leave the instant you heard voices? I scolded myself, staring down at my polished lacquer shoes.

"Alissa," Sirius spoke, an ensuring softness in his voice as he reached for my hands to drag me inside the room, "It's okay, that could've happened to anyone."

"But I should've just waited for you downstairs," I mumbled, shaking my head, still with my face turned at my feet, "I'm sorry."

He laid a hand on my cheek, turning my chin upwards, "Hey, don't think about it. And to be honest, I'm kind of glad you heard us talking,"

"But- why? It sounded private," I frowned.

"It was, but now I need not figure out a way to explain to you I and Remus have been down a rough path lately," he said with sadness, "I assume you've noticed the tension between us?"

"Well, yes," I admitted, "I've just been too afraid to ask. I don't want to sound nosey."

"And I appreciate that with you, you give people space," he leaned down, kissing me fondly, still a hint of sadness in his eyes.

"Thank you," I whispered when his lips left mine, "It's been a long time since someone reminded me of something I'm good at."

"Maybe I must do it more often then," He smiled, and I exhaled a deep breath in relief. He always said the right things.

"But are you and Remus okay? Is there anything I can do?" I asked when he walked towards the open door.

"We will be, eventually. Just like Beth I think all he needs is time, and I need to stop taking him for granted," he answered, tugging on a strand of hair that had slipped over his eye, "But if you want to, I think he would appreciate if you spoke to him. James and Peter are great, but sometimes we all need someone who just, listens."

I watched him as he took one last peek in the mirror, his upper body covered by a black skinny t-shirt, the arms cut off and all over the front, he had ripped it right open, putting it together again using some kind of muggle needles I hadn't seen before. Right in the middle, there was a bright red text; Ramones in big letters. His mother would have choked on her own tongue if she saw him right now. On his legs he wore a pair of high waisted skinny black trousers, revealing his slim figure in an extremely pleasant way and don't even get me started on his hair.

Instead of his usual hairdo, he had pulled his hair backwards, probably with help of some muggle hair product. But he had let one single long strand of hair remain in the front of his face, and it hung casually against his cheekbones, as if it's only place in the world was right there; framing his porcelain skin, almost touching his red plump lips. It looked almost as if he had applied a deep red lipstick on them, and I didn't complain. He looked hotter than ever.

"What's Ramones?" I asked with a smug smirk, almost positive he didn't know either. He looked at me in the mirror and raised a brow nonchalant.

"Oh, it's a muggle punk band Lily told me about. Apparently, her sister's boyfriend hates them, so she wanted to piss him off, wearing this all summer break whenever he was around. But she figured it would serve a better purpose in my possession," he spun around, his eyebrow raised, "Do you like it?"

I inspected him top to toe, trying out my best scepticism look before folding under, "Definitely."

A/N.

I'm so sorry I haven't updated in a while, been so stressed about life and completely forgot.

And THANK YOU for all your kind words and rewievs, it makes me so happy that you like my story.

Lots of love!


	40. A Drunken Task

Chapter forty.

"Another drink, Alissa?" Peter shouted over the raucous music surrounding the now crowded room, that I assumed was under a silencing charm. If not, I felt bad for the poor kids trying to sleep upstairs.

"You bet Pettigrew!" I hollered back, laughing amused at him when he tried to show off his none existent bartender skills. There was something so humble about him when he let loose. Obviously, it was because of the increasing level of alcohol in his blood that made him relax next to me and my friends, but that didn't matter. I was just delighted to see a more confident side of him, the side that didn't rely on his friends to talk for him or the side of him that was confident enough to crack his own jokes, and not waiting for James to tell them for him.

"Here you go!" He said as he got up to me, crisscrossing our arms around each other in the air, tilting our glasses backwards and swallowed the hooch in one gulp.

"Whoa-ho," I shook my head, "That was some strong shit," and Peter grimaced in agreement.

"I think I'll stick to butterbeer for the rest of the evening," He complained, looking almost sick to his stomach.

"Peter, are you okay? Shall we go out on the balcony, get some air?" I laid a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm all right," he waved me off, but when he took a step forward he almost stumbled on his own feet, "Or maybe I need to sit down for a bit," He added, squinting down at the floor, his cheeks flushing in red.

"Here, take my hand, I'll lead you to a couch."

He seized my hand and I led the very drunk Gryffindor away from the fuzz happening on the floor. When I had sat him down on an unoccupied couch, it didn't take long until his eyes went shut, his head resting on the backrest. Before I left him I picked up an empty bottle from the table next to him, grabbed my wand and filled it up with water. _Just in case he wakes up._

And shortly after I was back on the swamped floor, bodies moving around me in rhythm with the music, and I think I remembered the song from Sirius birthday party. It was that song with the raspy male voices, singing about beasts of burden, and I smiled at the memory of that night. It wasn't even long ago, but so much had changed, and doubtlessly for the better. I hadn't felt as pleased with myself for a long time, I didn't longer feel like the boring Alissa. I felt like the Alissa I somehow wished to be. Bolder, stronger, nicer and just a bit more reckless.

Speaking of reckless, I stepped up to the liquor filled table. I was ready for another drink when my eyes landed on two dark haired people in the back of the room, having a rather fiery argument by the look of it. The expression on Mary's face told me that whatever Sirius had just told her, wasn't what she wished to hear, and she flung her hands up in frustration, trying to grab hold of his already ripped t-shirt.

 _Not again. I can't eavesdrop on him one more time._ Even how badly I wanted to know what exchanged between them, this instant. I took a mug, not letting the two out of sight as I filled it up with whatever liquid I could find without looking away from the scene.

 _Am I being that annoying jealous person now again?_ I urged myself, bringing the mug to my mouth. Sirius had just pushed her hands away from his chest, and she hadn't appreciated it.

"Believe me, that's not a thing you need to worry about," A voice spoke next to me, and I jumped in shock.

"Merlin, Remus, are you secretly a ghost or something? I didn't even see you in the corner of my eye."

"Something like that, perhaps," He smirked, snatching another beer from the table, likewise with his eyes fixed on the little scene in front of us.

"Are they- or were they a thing?" I asked, striving to sound careless, but it didn't work.

Remus took a deep breath, and then a large sip of his beer, before looking at me, "Not really. They were mostly something that happened during drunk nights like this. There were never any, emotions."

And what? Is that supposed to calm me? Weren't me and Sirius also something that happened during a drunk night like this? At least that's how it all started.

"I see," I nodded, almost angry at the toxic jealousy that flowed out across my chest. _He said it's nothing to worry about._

"Seriously, Alissa. Don't waste your time on worrying about Mary and Sirius. I assure you, he isn't like he used to be anymore."

"Snogging and screwing every girl and boy over the age of fifteen you mean?" I laughed bitterly.

"Exactly," he responded, that ensuring voice he possessed almost reaching me, but just almost, "Alissa, look at me."

I did as he said, and when my eyes met his he smiled smoothly.

"Do you remember that speech you gave him at the beginning of the year?"

"Yes, of course. I felt bad about that for weeks," I answered, my hand shaking around the mug.

"Well, I kind of held the same speech to him before the summer, and perhaps he didn't listen to it then,...But when you came into his life, telling him the words he already knew; he decided it was time to make a change."

"And I'm just supposed to believe that?" I grimaced, sipping on the strong liquor.

"Honestly, since you two started hanging out, has he ever given you a reason not to trust him?" He demanded to know, and he was right. He hadn't.

"No, but-"

"But what?" He sounded almost irritated.

"But maybe that's because we're only hanging out. Having fun. So how could he let me down?"

"So you're saying, that if he kissed Mary right now, you wouldn't care?" He asked, and brought the bottle to his lips.

"For fuck's sake Remus," I sighed uncomfortably.

"Just answer the question!" He laughed, clearly wanting to state the obvious. Of course, I would get jealous if he kissed someone else in front of my eyes.

"Okay, fine. I would get jealous!" I admitted, and a smug grin stretched across his light pink lips.

"And you're still saying you two are just having fun? Isn't he the one that has braided your hair today?" Still that grin on his lips, making me want to punch him, only a little but still.

"So?" I shrugged my shoulders, not liking the way his words made my knees quiver and my blood boil.

"I have a task for you, Alissa," he set forth, placing the soon empty bottle on the table in front of us.

"And what might that be?" I rolled my eyes.

"I want you to ask him who taught him making Dutch braids and why, and when you do I want you to ask yourself if that's something he would do on anyone he's just having fun with," then he pointed towards where the two had argued, Mary on her way away from Sirius who remained leaning against the wall, a tired look on his face, "Can you do that?"

"Fine," I snarled and he chuckled before giving me a slight push forward towards where Sirius was standing _. Let's get to it then._


	41. Cigarette Conversations

Chapter forty-one.

Sirius grave face vanished and turned into a tinted smile when I approached him, his hair struggling to stay in its place after hours of drinking and dancing.

"Are you okay?" I asked, reached my hand out to caress his sharp jaw with that wonderful three-day stubble. He bit his lip, taking a deep breath and nodded almost invisible.

"I am now," He said, taking his finger, stroking an escaped strand of hair away from my cheek and my skin grew warmer, "Care to join me for a cigarette?"

"Would love to," I answered, and as we walked towards the small balcony I wondered if I was alone to sense the vibrating air between us. A tension, filled with something almost suffocating, that surely wasn't there at the start of the evening. I knew why I felt nervous, because of all the things Remus had said just minutes before. But why was Sirius also acting as if he walked on needles, afraid to step one inch out of line? What had his argument with Mary been about?

But as we reached the small balcony, I had decided it was best of me not to ask him about Mary. There were more important things to speak about.

Sirius closed the snow stained door behind us, and grabbed his package of smokes from the pocket of his trousers and sealed his lips around a cigarette before handing the package to me. I took grabbed one of the toxic sticks and put it between my lips, waiting for him to light it up with his adored muggle lighter.

"I noticed you were talking to Remus," he said when he put the lighter back in his front pocket, inhaling a deep breath of the cigarette, his eyes turned to the magnificent view over the school grounds.

"Yes."

"Did you talk to him about what happened earlier?" He asked, the smoke from our cigarettes filling the small space between us.

"Actually, no. We didn't talk about that at all. Or,...he mentioned something, about him giving you a speech similar to the one I gave you at the start of the semester. If you still remember?"

He chuckled, laying his hand to rest on the snow that had buried the railing to the balcony, "Honestly, how could I forget?"

A warm jolt sparked inside my chest at his words and I somewhat wished I had a drink with me outside, just to calm my nerves.

"I've been thinking about something," I turned to look at him, arguing myself if this was just drunken thoughts.

"And what's that?" He said, still a chuckle bubbling in his throat.

"How come Remus never speak to girls? I mean, despite his friends. He's a wonderful human being and I find it hard to believe girls don't want to speak to him," Yep, this was definitely the alcohol talking.

Sirius raised his brows, and a mischievous grin spread across his lips.

"Ehm," he smiled, putting his tongue out on his upper lip, looking puzzled by how he was to answer my question, "Remus is pretty damn gay, or at least he's been for the last four years."

 _Of course, he was_.

"I feel so stupid right now," Was all I could say, ashamed that I had just assumed Remus was into girls. For Merlin's sake Alissa, you need to stop assuming things.

"It's a common mistake, you know," Sirius reassured me, still with a grin on his lips.

"Maybe it is, but I still feel stupid," I shook my head, inhaling a deep breath of the cigarette in my left hand.

It made so much sense, and... _wait a minute_. I once again turned to the man next to me, my eyes peering at him.

"May I ask you something?" I said, impossible to contain the peculiar smile I felt growing behind my cigarette.

"Anything you want," He nodded, unaware of what I was about to ask.

"Did you two-? There has been something going on between you two, hasn't it?"

Sirius gave out a faint cough when the smoke got stuck in his lungs, exhaling deep and refused to look at me at first. But then he turned to me, his free hand up in a defending position, but in his eyes, there was only joy.

"It happened once, okay!?" He cried out, his voice more pitched than I had ever heard him before. Which only caused me not to believe him, so I raised a brow, and I got just the reaction I wanted, "Okay, it happened more than once," he murmured, his gaze bouncing on every corner around us.

"I knew it!" I cried out, only laughter and warmth inside of me, not a single hint of jealousy. But if Remus hadn't been so supportive about mine and Sirius, whatever it was, it had felt different.

"Please, don't tell him I said anything. He hates it when I bring it up," His eyes turning a little desperate.

"Hey," I said, grabbing hold of his hand on the railing, "I won't say a thing," I ensured him and he nodded thankfully, "But, you must tell me more. Were you two in love?" I wanted to know, cursing my intoxicated brain for not knowing when to _shut the fuck up._

But instead of looking troubled, Sirius appeared to relax next to me. He put out his cigarette, tossing it down from the high tower and before speaking he took a breath of the cold crispy air, cleaning his lungs from the tobacco.

"To be perfectly honest, I do not know," he spoke, "It was in our fifth year, both of us filled with self-hatred and both miserable. He was the only one I could talk to. Sure, I could talk to James and sometimes I tried to talk to Peter, but they've never felt that low," he stopped to look at me, and I gave him a quick nod, assuring him I wanted him to continue.

"And one thing led to another, or many things led to another and there we were; two best friends, both of us broken and unsure about ourselves, and before we knew it we were trying to heal ourselves with the other one's touch and nearness," he paused again, just to take another deep breath, "Well, it was doomed to fail."

"Did it take long before you could be friends again?" I asked.

"No, not at all," he looked at me, "Maybe we went back to normal almost too fast. Sometimes it feels like he's still mad at me because of everything that went down."

"And what was it, that went down?"

He sighed, giving out a bitter laugh.

"Everything that always happens when I care about something," he paused, giving the words a taste before uttering them, "I tear it apart."

His words made my breath twitch, but only for a short moment. _You're just having fun, there's no need to panic, yet_.

"I'm sorry, I've said too much," He bent his head backwards, his hair falling out of its coiffure.

"Sirius," I grabbed his chin, making him look at me, "You can't believe how happy I am that you opened up about something as deep as this."

And I meant every word. Hearing him talk about himself and his life brought a special feeling into me. I couldn't place it, but it felt good.

"Really?" He frowned, but his eyes warmed up.

"Really." I declared, putting an end to the subject.

Sirius shook his head, letting out a low grunt before putting another cigarette in his mouth.

"So what did you and Remus talk about, more than your well-formulated speeches?" He asked, his normal confident tone of voice back in its place.

"Right, I almost forgot. He gave me a task," I spoke, unsure if it was a good idea to bring up another approximately heavy subject.

"Sounds intriguing. What was it?" His voice now filled with curiosity.

Should I ask him? What if it's killing the mood? But, I was dying to know, since Remus had seemed so eager about it.

"Well, I'll just cut to the chase," inhaling an encouraging breath before carrying on, "He said I should ask you who taught you to make a dutch braid. So, here I go. Who did taught you to make a dutch braid?"

At first, he just stared at me and I cursed Remus as in my mind, but then he suddenly laid a hand on my cheek.

"Why did he want you to ask me that?" He smiled, his eyes peering at me.

"Honestly, I don't really know until you've told me," I tried to explain, my voice turning lower from nervousness.

Why had Remus been giving me such a stupid question to ask? And how could it prove that what I and Sirius had wasn't just a fling; an amusement to take our thoughts of school and everything else.

I had almost forgotten I had asked him when he suddenly started talking again. His face turned straight forward, his jaw spanning.

"It was my mother who taught me," he spoke vaguely, and I figured this wasn't something he normally spoke about, "I was about four or five years old when she more or less forced me to learn how to braid her hair every morning," he paused to push a piece of ice from the railing, "My brother was too young and his fingers to small to hold her thick hair and my father- ha, well I think she would rather let a muggle braid her hair then letting him touch her at that point," he gave out a spiteful laugh, his hand moving fast over the snow on the railing, "One morning I asked her if perhaps the house elf could do it instead, and she screamed before I could even finish the sentence, ' _are you, mad boy? Do you think I would let something so dirty get even an inch close to me?'_ and I never questioned her about it again."

The rage grew in his eyes, reminding me of the hatred that lived deep inside of him, a hatred towards his family. But also a hatred towards the viewpoints of the people that as we spoke, grew larger in numbers. The people that valued blood pureness above everything else, people like my uncle. Death Eaters.

"Have I scared you off now with stories about my crazy mother?" He said under his breath, his hands tensed into fists.

"Not at all," I answered him and grabbed hold of his ripped t-shirt, "Come here," I told him, his body moving slowly away from his stale position and into my embrace. His head resting in the small space between my neck and collarbone, his breath warm against my freezing skin.

"Thank you," he whispered, his lips touching my neck as he spoke.

"For what?"

He lifted his head, his lonely loose strand of hair tickling my cheek when he leaned towards me.

"For listening to me," was all he said before we were completely lost inside each other's arms. Our lips tasting each other, both of us smelling strongly of alcohol and tobacco, our hands everywhere at the same time and heart beats hard against each other's chests. That's how we stood when the door to the balcony was suddenly flying open.

"Oh shit, I'm sorry!" An obviously very drunk voice cried out when he spotted our intertwined bodies against the castle wall.

Sirius immediately dragged his lips away from mine to inspect who ever had decided to join our little paradise. I looked up at the open door from behind his shoulder and my eyes landed upon Oliver Rickett, smiling as he always did. Isn't he too much of a Hufflepuff stereotype? I asked myself when he took another step outside.

"I'm obviously interrupting _something_ ," he stuttered, emphasizing the last word, "But we're starting a dancing competition inside, and Lily Evans told me to go fetch you guys. So, here I am," He stretched out his arms, a wide grin on his drunk face.

Sirius frowned at him, but before he could say something bumptious I answered him quickly.

"We'll join you inside in a minute, thank you, Oliver," he smiled and went back inside, letting the balcony door remain open after him.

"Do we have to?" Sirius complained, trying to seduce me with his large puppy eyes-act. I gave him a shove backwards, making him grunt something inaudible.

"Yes, we have to," I said, determined.

"But why?" He whined, his lips pouting.

"Because this night isn't over yet, Black."


	42. Fool

Chapter Forty-two.

 _Sirius POV._

 _What the fuck was happening to me?_ My head spun when I followed the women causing these thoughts through the balcony door. Her hair still in the braid I had made earlier, and her neck hidden underneath a black polo neck that challenged me not to let my eyes travel to her chest. _At least I did it when she wasn't noticing._

I couldn't believe I had just told her all of those things, and what shocked me was how freely I had spoken about it. _About me and Remus? About mother? How drunk am I?_ But in my own judgement, I wasn't that drunk at all. My argument with Mary had cleared my head, at least from intoxication, not from distracting thoughts and alarmingly high heart rate.

"Would you like something more to drink?" Alissa turned around, dragging me back to the raucous party going on around us. Her dark eyebrows raised, and her red painted lips in a charming crooked grin.

"When have I ever turned down a drink?"

She gave out a short laugh that reminded me of how she had acted towards me the first months back at school. _But look at us now,_ spending every free moment with each other, sharing secrets, fucking each other senseless. I enjoyed it, being with her, but was it all moving too fast? Where would it end up? I couldn't risk getting attached to someone that wasn't one of my friends, but even though I tried to distance myself from her, I always ended up sleeping naked next to her, _every damn night._

"Here you go," she supplied me with a glass filled with a golden coloured brewing.

"Whiskey?" I examined the glass, she shrugged her shoulders, bringing her glass to mine with a tinkling sound.

"Stop looking so miserable and drink, Sirius," she laughed, dropping all the depressing topics of our discussion from the balcony behind. So I did as she said, I drank the burning liquid and I let it enfold my whirling mind. Maybe, just _maybe,_ becoming more drunk would stop my heart from betraying me like this every damn time I looked at her.

"Are you ready to dance now, Mr Black?" She said, her eyes glowing of something I hadn't seen before. A mischievous guise, beginning every part of me to grab her face in my hands to tell her how amazing she was. But I couldn't, and I wouldn't.

"Actually, I need to go find James," I spoke, in an unnecessarily harsh way, "But you go have fun in the meantime, I'll find you later."

Her eyes turned suspicious, and I noticed the small twitch in her face before she smiled once more, flicking her braid to the side, taking another sip of her drink.

"Sure," she nodded, "I'll see you later," I gave her one last glimpse before rushing my way over the dance floor in search of the one person I knew could calm me down. James Fucking Potter.

"James, what's happening to me?" I complained, my head resting up on the wall behind us, my hairdo long gone.

James studied me in silence, still dressed in nothing more than his Quidditch robe, "Mate, I've told you, you're falling for her."

 _No, I am not._

"But-" I sighed, not pleased with the smug grin he gave me, "I can't, or at first I thought it was a good idea, but now when it's happening,..."

"What's the problem, Padfoot? You're falling for someone that seems to feel the same way towards you, despite your as-bag personality and your excessive vanity," James frowned, his hand placed on my bare shoulder.

"The problem, Prongs, is that the last time I felt something like this, I destroyed it all when it became too overwhelming. Let's face it, I _suck_ at feelings."

"You're talking about Remus?" He asked, taking a look around us to make sure we weren't being overheard.

"Who else?" I rolled my eyes. Sometimes James was just, _slow._

"I know that has been haunting you for years, but Remus forgave you a long time ago, and it's time you do the same," he said, putting his glasses back in their place as they slid off his sweaty nose.

"I went behind his back and fucked at least five other people, I don't think I can forgive myself for that. Not to mention I wasn't there for him the last full moon," my voice sinking lower and lower the more I spoke about all the sins I had committed against one of the best persons in my life.

James gave out a loud grunt, and without warning his hand on my shoulder turned into a punching fist.

"Aoch! What the fuck, James?" I shouted, shoving his hand away from me.

"Stop being such a martyr and accept that people can love you despite your bad sides and your shitty ability to think of the consequences of your actions," now he was angry, but perhaps the best kind of angry, "I'm so sick of seeing you push people away just because you think you don't deserve to be loved, because you do, you twat,"

"Hey!" _You can be a twat._

"Oh shut up," he rolled his eyes, "Now, go find Alissa, give her an honest chance to get to know you. And _don't push her away_! Okay?"

It would have been so much easier if he had told me to stop seeing her and get on with my life as usual. No, he had to go be much smarter than that.

"I hate you, James. You know that right?"

He laughed and grabbed hold of my wrist and walked towards the crowded floor.

"You'll thank me for this, later on, I promise," he declared but paused as I grabbed hold of his robe, my nails digging into his bare chest.

"Are you sure about that?" I hissed, my jaw spanning when both of our eyes fell upon the girl I apparently was falling for, in the middle of the dance floor, someone else than me attached to her lips.

"Sirius, perhaps this isn't as it looks like," James began but I cut him off.

"Shut up, Prongs," I said, his name sounded like a curse in my mouth, my hands shaking as I watched Oliver Rickett kiss _her._

 _What the fuck do I do now?_


	43. Confession

Chapter forty-three.

 _Alissa's POV._

I stared at him for a long time as he walked away over the room, both surprised and confused by his sudden reaction. _Did I do something wrong?_ I asked myself, still sipping on the whiskey, but I couldn't remember saying anything that could have made him upset.

Oh, how I hated this, not knowing where you had one another. Maybe we weren't just having fun after all? Because if that was the case, it sure wouldn't feel like we're both playing mind games. Both too afraid to admit what went through our minds during the dark nights next to each other, or maybe he wasn't feeling anything at all?

 _Fuck, this lad will be the end of me_. I muttered, lowering the remaining drops of the whiskey when a hand grabbed my shoulder.

"Hi, again!" Oliver Rickett smiled, his eyes blurry from drunkenness. His light coloured hair hanging as a drape around his tanned face, a glass of fire whiskey attached to his lips.

"Good evening, Oliver. Having a good time I assume?" I laughed, knowing he was way too drunk to notice the sharpness in my voice.

"There's no such thing as a bad time when the Marauders throws a party," he noted, combing his bangs away from his eyes, "But-, why are you standing here all alone?"

 _If I only knew._

"Sirius had some important business with his husband I believe," I forced a smile.

"And that must be James Potter, am I right?" His cheery smile started to annoy me.

"Right," I nodded, debating on whether I should pour myself another drink or not, but decided it was probably best to sober up a bit first.

"So, would you like to dance?" He then said, making it sound like the most innocent question in the world. Perhaps that was because of the fact that he _was_ one of the most innocent people I knew.

"Sure, why not?" I answered and his smile grew wider, his right hand taking a hold of my wrist as we walked up onto the dance floor, still only Muggle music playing. I wondered if every Gryffindor student had grown sick of the familiarity with the traditional wizarding rock, and I smiled at the memories of _The Hobgoblins_ playing in the living room during summer nights at home. Father offering mother his hand, the two of them dancing together until they were both short of breath, me sitting by the fireplace reading, smiling as I gave them a glimpse now and then.

"Was there a memory paying you a visit?" Oliver asked as he laid his hand on my waist, and the other hand on my shoulder.

"I was just thinking about The Hobgoblins, and how underrepresented wizard musicians is at every Gryffindor party," I almost had to shout to drown the brazen music.

Oliver's head moved up and down, as we moved to the rhythm, as well as our drunken mind allowed us to, and after a while, I closed my eyes. The guitar solo from the record player is the only thing on my mind. _This actually sounds pretty decent._ Maybe I would ask father to give me some Muggle money so that I could travel to London during Christmas break, to find one of those raspy voice-records.

"Alissa," Oliver suddenly spoke, and as I opened my eyes I could swear his face was much closer than before. _What was he doing?_

"Yes?" I answered, frowning as he bit his lower lip, an anxious look on his face.

"There's something I've been meaning to tell you, but since you've been together with Casper it wouldn't be right to do it," his voice disjointed because of his nervousness, "But since you've broken up, I figured, maybe now it's my time to finally say something."

 _Merlin, no, do not let him do it. Do not let him do it!_

"Casper,..." I tried to interrupt what ever was about to leave his mouth. I didn't want to hear it. I simply wanted him to be Oliver, just the smiling happy figure as he always was.

"Please, just hear me out," he continued, dragging his hand through his hair, the other one still around my waist, "I know you've something going on with Sirius Black, _obviously._ But perhaps, just perhaps, he's not the best man for you."

"Oliver, just stop,-" I tried once again but he wouldn't back down. He was determined to make the confession I so much _didn't_ long to hear.

"Alissa, I like you," he stuttered, his drunk face glowing with warmth, "I really do, and I thought it was time for me to let you know."

 _Oh, bloody hell._ Why did he have to go ruining everything? I inhaled a deep breath, trying to calm my now very annoyed nerves.

"Casper, just listen to me," I began, but exactly like the two times before he interrupted me right away.

"Just think about it," his voice sinking lower, but not because of the fact that I was turning him down. No, I could see the look in his eye before he even knew it himself, but then it was already too late. He had already lowered his face, not taking a single second to think it through before he pressed his lips to mine.

His breath reeking of alcohol, and not in that weirdly sexy way Sirius breath smelled when I had kissed his lips. No, this wasn't pleasant _at all._

As soon as I regained control, I laid a hand on his chest, pushing him with all my strength backwards.

"Dude!" I shouted, shock and anger written all over my face, "What the fuck?" I continued, and I couldn't care less about all the people staring our way.

"I'm-" he staggered backwards, shame filling his eyes, "Fuck, that was really stupid."

"You think?" I scolded, turning my face away from him when he made another try at speaking. I wasn't interested in hearing his lame apologies, at least not here. There was too much alcohol included.

My head turned to our left, and my eyes fell on the back of the black haired man I wished had been the one to be with me on the dance floor. His hand covering his mouth, and the other taking a steady grip on James Potter's shoulder as he quickly dragged him away. James' eyes met mine for a brief second, but I knew what he was trying to say; _What the fuck, Alissa?_ There was no doubt, they'd seen Oliver kissing me.

Anger shot out all over my body, my hands turning into hard fists. I had had enough of this, being the bad guy. This time, it hadn't been my fault. I didn't kiss him, it was he who had kissed me.

"Alissa," Oliver began to spoke again, but he stopped when I raised my hand to his mouth.

"Shut up, Oliver!" I snatched, flicking my hair backwards, "I can't do this, not now, not ever," the despite in my voice made his face turn paler, "And next time you kiss someone, make sure they fucking _want_ you to!" I yelled to his face, before shoving my way past him. Too angry to even care if I had just destroyed his lovely reputation as I made my way over the room.

 _I can't take the blame for this. I will not be the victim for another slut-incident, and if Sirius is gonna blame me, then I don't want to speak to him._ I screamed inside my boiling head as I approached the portrait hole. Sweat starting to warm up my upper body underneath the knitted black polo, my cheeks burning with rage and alcohol leaving my body.

I had just stepped outside the common room and into the deserted corridor when a firm hand enclosed my wrist.

"And where the fuck do you think you're going?" His dark voice intersected through the silent corridor.


	44. Two Cowards

Chapter forty-four.

His hair hung loosely around his pale face, hiding the obscure look in his eyes as I turned around to face him. My breathing heavy, and my whole body shivering with fear about what was about to happen.

"I'm going to bed," I said, my voice surprisingly tranquil when meeting his eyes.

"You're going to bed?" He spoke, emphasizing every word, his lips moving slowly. As if he was teasing me, knowing how badly I wanted them on my skin, despite what had happened on the dance floor.

"Yes," I breathed, my eyes stuck on his pouting lips, avoiding his dark eyes. _What game was he playing?_

His grip around my wrist hardened, but only for a second before he pushed it away from him. His lips sealed in a thin line as he did so.

"Okay, sleep well," was all he uttered, pushing the loose strands of hair behind his ear so I could finally see his face fully.

Was that it? Didn't he have anything more to say than that? My head spun, as my growing heart rate began to vibrate in my ears.

Sirius turned around fast, about to disappear behind the bloody portrait when I couldn't contain myself any longer.

"Is that all you have to say?" I shouted after him in a taut voice. My body still shivering as he slowly turned around, his face as emotionless as a stone when his eyes met mine.

"What do you want me to say, Alissa?" He lifted his shoulders in question, making it look like my company was the least interesting thing in the world to him.

"There's plenty of stuff you can say!" I continued in my taut tone, anger still shouting out from my chest like arrows aiming for their targets, which now happened to be no other than Sirius.

He stayed silent, his eyes meeting mine through the dim light, completely emotionless. There was no way I could believe this was the same man I had been listening to, sharing secrets on the balcony just an hour before. This was someone else.

"I can't do this," he suddenly whispered, his voice thick of something he wouldn't care to explain.

"Excuse me, I didn't hear you," I replied, knowing full well he knew I had heard loud and clear what he had said.

He breathed deeply, looking down to his feet and repeated the words one more time, "I can't do this."

I was too worked up to take notice of the stabbing pain that attacked my chest as he repeated himself, his face still cleared from any emotion.

"You can't _do this_?" I laughed bitterly, the anger and frustration in complete control over my mouth and the words it uttered.

"I'm afraid not," Sirius said, refusing to meet my eyes, and I wondered why that was. If he had decided he couldn't be with me, why couldn't he at least give me the decency to look me in the eye when he told me?

"You're a coward, Sirius Black," I spat out, his jaw clenching as the words hit him.

"What did you just call me?" He spoke between clenched teeth, his eyes finally meeting with mine. They were no longer emotionless, now they were furious.

"A coward," I answered him, giving him a grin that I knew would drive him mad.

"Says the one that rushes from the party as soon as she happened to kiss someone else!" He shouted back at me. _Finally_ , some real emotions showing.

"Did you actually think I wanted him to kiss me?" I shouted back, throwing my hand up in the air between us.

"What do I know? Wasn't that the exact same way you and I started?" he took a step forward in anger, his hands clenched into fists, hanging down his sides.

"Then let me inform you," I spoke excessively slowly, just to get on his precious nerves, "I absolutely _didn't_ want him to kiss me. But maybe it was a good thing he did," I fired at him, curious about the reaction it would cause.

"Oh," he scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest, "Tell me, I'm dying to know. Why is that?"

"Because now I know, how childishly you reacted to something like that," I continued to push him, unable to stop.

His eyes grew wider, and another type of darkness found its way into his eyes.

"Stop, Alissa," he lowered his voice, but he had pushed me too far over the line I couldn't seem to find my sanity anymore. There were too many emotions tumbling inside of me, and I didn't know how to cope.

I wanted to scream at him that he was the most inspiring person I had ever met, or that I couldn't stand the thought of not seeing him for several weeks during the holidays, or that his voice was the most beautiful thing in my life at the moment. Or the fact that I was falling for him, hard and fast. But I didn't say either of those things, instead, something that surprised the both of us happened. Tears were suddenly streaming down my cheeks, and Sirius looked at them in shock. Almost as if they were a screaming baby, that he didn't know how to approach.

"Alissa?" His voice struggling to hide all the previous rage as he stepped closer, but I stopped him before he reached me.

"Maybe you're right," I nodded, trying to make the tears stop, "Maybe we can't do this. I mean, since this started I've been in the crossfire for unpleasant things more than once. I cheated because of you, for Merlin's sake and even my sister is threatening me, just because I'm spending my time with you," I rambled, not a clue about what I was saying.

"What are you talking about, Alissa? You make no sense right now," Sirius reached his hand towards me, but I just stared at it.

"I'm not?" I raised a brow, "Oh, but I think I am."

"No, you're not," he said again, debating if he would swallow his pride and comfort me or remain where he was standing, "Casper can blame you all he wants, but you weren't happy together. And what's that about your sister threatening you? Why haven't you told me about it?"

"Because I know that would only scare you away," I snorted, and the tears began to dry.

"Why don't you let me decide on that?" He suggested with a sour voice.

We were both too drunk for this. Too drunk and too emotionally unstable to be having this conversation, but it was too late to take it all back now.

"She threatened me about your disappearing brother," the words causing him to freeze, the hand that he had reached towards me shaking faintly. He didn't speak or even look at me. He did absolutely nothing.

The seconds that passed felt like minutes as I watched him, his eyes stuck on something underneath my chest. His jaw spanned, and his hand back to his side.

When he finally spoke, his voice crocky, but I knew he wouldn't let himself cry in front of me. It didn't matter how many glasses of whiskey he had poured down his throat, Sirius Black couldn't sink that low in front of someone that wasn't his closest friends. Maybe not even in front of them.

"Alissa, I'm not doing this," he said, back at not meeting my eyes.

"Why not, Sirius? Why can't you just admit that this is upsetting you?" I pushed him, still too worked up to understand what the consequences of my words would turn out to be.

"I'm not speaking to you about my brother," he hissed, the veins on his neck growing as his temper increased, again, "I can't."

"But I want you to," I tried, but he just shook his head and took a step towards the painting behind him, "No, Sirius, please, don't go!" My lip began to shake, as he gave me an apologetic look, giving the fat lady the passwords she loudly required.

"I'm sorry, Alissa, but I can't do this right now," he stopped inside the dark hole, before turning his back on me.

Before the portrait closed behind him, I yelled at him, "Fine, just leave. That will make everything so much better. Leave, like you always do when someone actually means something to you!"

But there wasn't an answer, apart from the silence that surrounded me as soon as the portrait swung shut.

"Now, child, please stop shouting. I'm actually trying to get some sleep over here," the Fat Lady pursed her thick lips together, looking at me with annoyed eyes.

I stared at her for some more long seconds, before I accepted the fact that he wasn't coming back, and maybe I had myself to blame. _Why did I have to push him like that?_ But deep down I knew that my only reason for behaving like I had, was because how I began to accept the fact that I was falling in love with him and I had no idea how to tackle that.

As I began to walk, my throats went dry and those unpleasant wet things began to stream down my eyes once more, and I knew I had to get him back. It didn't matter how or when, but there was no way this is how my _little fun_ ended with Sirius Black. But in the meantime I knew it was hopeless, he had told me so himself; _He was a man that tore things apart_ , and maybe I was the same.


	45. Burdensome

Chapter forty-five.

My heart was burdensome when I glanced at the London sky, dragging my coat tighter around me as the raindrops fell over us. I wasn't surprised at all that the snowy weather from Scotland hadn't followed us back to England when the train had departed early midday from Hogsmeade train station.

The water splashed down on my trunk, and my socks got wetter by the second. I wondered what was taking mother and father so long. Why weren't they here yet?

At least fifteen minutes had passed since I hugged Lara and Beth goodbye, left alone with the one person I would prefer to be without. Iona.

She remained behind me, leaning on the wet brick wall. Her face revealing no discomfort while the raindrops fell over her, her eyes observing the Muggle cars as they passed the pavement.

"Mother is late."

My head turned in shock. Did she speak to me? When I looked at her, her eyes meet mine for a brief second, before she let them glance to the crossing cars once again.

"She is," I answered, hugging my bag in my hand.

"I wonder what might have happened," she said, her languid voice revealing she did not wonder at all. If you asked me that girl had stopped loving our mother a long time ago.

She had loved her for a while when we were children, she must've had. But that was a long time ago. Now there was no room left for love inside of her insentient shell. There lived something else there now, something dark that neither of us dared to provoke, nor dispute.

"Who is the letter from?" She asked, still in the same languid tone, her eyes shifted to a brown envelope sticking out of my coat pocket.

"Why are you asking?" I responded, covering the letter from the rain and Iona's frozen eyes.

"Am I not obliged to have interest in my own sisters love life?"

"I'm afraid I will have to disappoint you," I replied, clenching my teeth, "It's not a love note."

"Good," was the last thing she said, shifting back to her car watching.

I glanced down at the letter, the edge stained with water. I hadn't lied when she asked, it wasn't a love letter. I hadn't spoken one word to Sirius since that night, and there was no denying that was the reason behind my burdensome heart.

I am a coward. I argued myself, the same words had been playing on repeat in my mind for three days. But I didn't dare talk to him, and he had shown no signs of wanting to speak to me. Therefore, we didn't speak. I hated it.

"Alissa! Iona!" A familiar voice of a woman called across the road, her hands waving towards us. Her light hair bounced around her lean face as she hurried over the trafficked street, and an exhale of relief escaped my lips. Mother, finally.

The minute she reached the sidewalk she opened up her arms, pulling me into a tight hug, her wavy curls tickling my cheeks as I buried my face against her so well known chest. Her neck smelling of vanilla and tobacco, and her silver chain necklaces hung where it always had, the silver warm from resting against her skin.

"Oh, how I have missed you, my clever, clever girl," she hummed against my ear, and my throat grew thick, tears threatened to escape my eyes as I felt at home. In my mother's arms, "Are you okay?" She grabbed my shoulders and watched me with those concerned eyes only a parent could have.

"Yes," I wiped a lonely tear away, "I've missed you, that's all."

She smiled warmly, brushing my cheek before she turned to Iona who hardly paid attention to the newly arrived women.

"Iona," mother spoke, reaching out her hand towards the girl but she simply viewed it, before grabbing hold of her trunk.

"Well, shall we get going then?" Mother suggested, her face struggling to suppress the disappointment of Iona's cold greeting.

"Isn't father coming?" I asked, and her eyes turned grave, making my stomach twitch.

"Your father was needed back at the hospital," she explained, her voice hushed.

"Mother, has something happened?" I wanted to know. I could easily tell when mother was worried, a certain gloominess fell over her otherwise shining eyes.

"Yes," she admitted, and I could see how Iona looked our way in the corner of my eye, her hand hugging her handle harder, "There has been an attack, the most extreme in a long time, but this is not the place for speaking of this, we need to get home."

She looked between us, her two daughters, and we both nodded at the same time. This was a conversation for when we were out of earshot from muggles.

Mother walked in fast phase towards the side of the building. When we reached a vacant telephone booth she entered, us following behind and the second Iona closed the door, mother grabbed our shoulders, and apparated away from the hectic streets of London.


	46. Home

Chapter forty-six.

The smell of home enclosed me as the three of us entered the house, the quiet street outside filled with a crispy bed of snow. The hallway lightened up as mother flicked her wand, candles flickering in the dark, shining upon the smiling portraits of her grandfather and mother. At the bureau she had placed a large bouquet of poinsettias, their crimson leaves smelling of Christmas.

Iona was quick to get out of her coat, and she spared no time to look around the house she hadn't seen for several months. Instead, she went straight forward, turning left and sat down at the end of the dinner table.

Mother eyed her, concerned, but after she had gotten her shoes off both of us followed her into the large room. Mother pointed me towards the seat next to my sister, but I pretended not to notice and sat down a chair away from her.

"I assume you're both eager to hear about what occurred earlier, and I will tell you, but I need you both to promise me not to utter a word of this to anyone else. The ministry needs to look deeper into it before there can be any rumours or guesses flying around, understood?" Her eyes fell on Iona, in return she received a fatiguing look, but we both nodded in consent.

Mother took a deep breath, resting her hands on the table, "Today, around forenoon, five masked people attacked a children's playground and afterwards they attacked the five Auror's that was sent to the scene of the crime," she paused to look at us, both sitting in complete silence, eyes wide. Mine with fear, Iona's with something else.

"Three of the Auror's was injured, two of them life threatening. Your father and his colleagues are doing everything they can."

"And the muggles? The children, in the playground?" My voice shaking with worry.

"We have worked all day with obliviating all of the victims of the attack," she spoke slowly as if she didn't want the next sentence to be said, "But there was one boy, who was beyond saving."

A gasp left my mouth and mother looked at me with the same distress in her eyes.

"And the death eaters, were there any injuries?" Iona's harsh voice broke the tense silence, mothers face rising in shock.

"What?"

"You heard me, mother."

"No, Iona, there wasn't any injuries for the _death eaters_ ," mother answered her, her cheeks turning pale as she studied her daughter, "Why would you ask me that?"

Iona looked at her in silence, before raising up from the table, "Good," she articulated, and walked out of the room, leaving a bitter taste in the air behind her.

"Iona!" Mother yelled at her in desperation, but we both knew there was nothing more to say.

"Alissa," she sighed, her eyes infused with sadness, "I don't know what to do with her. I can't reach her, I have never been able to," her shoulders losing their confident posture as she sunk lower into the chair.

"Sometimes, I console myself with the fact that she's already lost," I spoke truthfully, making mother shot up in her chair.

"Don't talk like that!" She burst out, desperation clinging onto her.

"Mother, I'm sorry, I don't want to upset you," I walked over to her, laying her hand into mine, "But I wish you would stop blaming yourself for her, _behaviour_. You know what that type of self-loathing has done to grandmother."

"You are right, child, so so right," she caressed my fingers, "But she is my daughter, and there is no way I can ignore that fact. She is my responsibility."

Her lower lip started shaking, her eyes closed as I embraced her lean shoulders.

"You at least did a pretty good job raising me, if I'm allowed to say so myself," I smiled, giving her hair a light kiss.

Her shoulders started shaking, and at first, I thought she cried but then she turned to me, her eyes glistening of sadness and pride at the same time.

"I did, didn't I?" She smiled, giving my cheek a quick stroke, "Your father should be home soon, and I assume he will be rather hungry after the day we've had."

She stood up, tugging on her long dress before stretching her back into her normal proud posture.

"Aren't you coming with me? I want to hear everything about your months at school," she turned at the entrance, waiting for me to follow her to the kitchen.

"I bet you do," I muttered to myself, surprised the reminder of Sirius Black gave me more chills than the information about the attack of Muggle children. _What the hell is wrong with me?_


	47. An Invite

Chapter forty-seven.

I fiddled the unopened letter between my hands, studying the cursive handwriting on the envelope as a furry paw tried to gain my attention. I smiled and pushed the black paw away from my ankle, before picking the cat up, holding her into my bosom.

"I've missed you too, silly cat," I hummed into her soft fur, her stomach instantly giving out a loud purr, "Shall we read the letter together then?"

I sat down on the bed, the cat in my lap, stroking her head against my cheeks as I tried to open the envelope.

"Li, I know it must have been dreadful here without me, but please _personal space_ ," I tried to communicate to the eagerly cuddly animal, her claws scratching the thick paper.

 _Oh how I wished this was a letter from Sirius,_ I thought bitterly, chewing on my lip as I unfolded the letter, the same cursive handwriting as on the outside filled the lonely page.

 _'Hello, Alissa._

 _I am so sorry we didn't get a chance to have any more tea meetings before the holidays. Therefore I wanted to wish you a pleasant Christmas, and also I would like to invite you to London on the second of January._

 _Me and my husband, together with some close friends to us recently founded a small group, where we openly and freely can discuss topics that other groups within the wizardry community wouldn't exactly approve of. Such as the topic we discussed the last time._

 _I would love to see you and perhaps your friends there. There's no such importance than the voices of the youths in our threatened society._

 _If this sound at least a tiny bit interesting, send an owl to the owlery at Hogwarts. I will be staying here for a couple more days._

 _Best regards,_

 _William Thistle._

 _Merry Christmas.'_

I read the words twice before my lips curved into a smile. _Professor Thistle, why can't more people be like you?_

I folded the letter and laid it down upon my nightstand, rushing over the room to grab a paper and a quill but before I got the chance to sit down and write him back a loud noise from downstairs caught my attention.

The vociferous voice of Ophelia Fione echoed through the entire house, and a brief sigh left my mouth. If grandmother was here, it meant the end of the peace around the house for at least three days to come. I wished there was some way to get away from this meeting, at least for a couple more hours. With heavy steps I stood up from behind my desk, walking out of my room to greet my grandparents.

"Alissa!" Grandmother cried out, sounding more like a runny crow than the properly over-dressed woman in front of me. Her hair tied back in a stiff bun, the pearls around her neck dangling as she gave me a stiff hug.

"Welcome, grandmother," I forced a smile and quickly walked past her to the silent man behind her. His hair hidden underneath a black hat, his moustache covering the most of his face.

"Grandfather!" I smiled, giving the man a warm embrace, a chuckle growling in his stomach.

"You've grown," he noted, giving my shoulder a pat.

"So have you," I frowned, eyeing the bulge underneath his chest.

"I guess I should have seen that one coming," he laughed warm-heartedly, the sound enclosing me with nostalgia.

"Now now," his wife crowed, handing her large bag to my father, whom I could see swallowed a large sigh before smiling widely at the woman.

"Did you have a pleasant journey?" Father asked, lifting the heavy bag from the floor, struggling to keep a straight face at the weight. I stopped a laugh from escaping my lips, covering it up with a cough and father gave me a long look.

It was obvious to everyone that Ophelia Fione wasn't a likeable person, to everyone except herself.

"Well, if it hadn't been for all the muggles running around entire London in search for Christmas presents, and Adelmar's incapability to keep the time, the journey was alright," she kept on crowing while walking inside, "Where's my daughter?" She frowned, "Ainsley?" She then yelled, in an ear piercing tone, walking towards the kitchen in search for her daughter.

When she was out of eyesight, father dropped the bag onto the floor with a loud thud.

"Don't worry about that Eamon, I'll take care of it," grandfather hummed, nodding towards the bag and father smiled thankfully at the old man who followed his wife inside the kitchen.

"You at least got one day of peace and quiet," Father said in a hushed voice, a smirk dancing on his lips.

"Tell me again why we bother to invite her to our house every year?" I raised a brow, eyeing the closed kitchen door with dispraise.

"I believe it has got something to do with family bonds and all that, and if you ask your mother she would probably say; _because of heritage_ ," Father answered, the both of us bursting out into a loud laugh.

"Alissa!" A voice yelled at me from behind the closed door and a grunt left my mouth.

"And so it begins,..." I muttered, walking with trailing steps away from the hallway.

"Alissa," father spoke before I grabbed the doorknob.

"Yes?"

"It's good to have you and your sister home," he said with a warm smile, _father's smile._


	48. Frozen Blue

Chapter forty-eight.

The night before Christmas Eve, and I was certain that my ears soon would fall off if grandmother didn't stop persecute me everywhere I went. I hadn't had a moment in peace since she had arrived.

And Iona was, as usual, no good, since grandmother apparently still would pretend she didn't exist. It had been that way for years. I was the favourite grandchild, and Iona was _nothing_. I did feel bad for her when we were younger. When she still was my sister, but this Christmas I couldn't give a rat's as about how Iona felt.

But then I tried to remind myself of what Beth would have done, in a situation like this, and I succeeded to give Iona a vague smile at dinner. Her eyes turned dark at the sight, but I wanted her to know that someone saw her. Even though our grandmother didn't.

Mother had always explained her obvious hatred towards her with the reason that Iona reminded her too much of Icarus. _The lost child_. Grandmother had never accepted the fact that Icarus left her, and that there was nothing she could have done about it, and perhaps that was a good enough reason to push her second granddaughter away.

A scratch on the bedroom door got me to look up from my book, putting it down on my nightstand to let the cat inside.

"Are you hiding from the hag as well?" I asked the cat when it quickly ran inside the room to jump up on the bed.

I gave her a pat between the ears and she purred in satisfaction but gave me a dark look when I stopped to slip out of my robe and into my nightgown.

Before I joined the animal on the bed I blew out the candle lightened in the window and picked up my wand that had fallen from the nightstand.

When I put it back it occurred to me that something seemed to be missing on the narrow table, but I couldn't put my finger on what it was, and I was way too tired to figure it out. So I jumped in under the bedsheets, my head falling down on the pillow with a sigh of relief.

 _Finally, I'm alone._

But it didn't take long before the realisation hit me and the heartache was soon all over me.

 _Sirius, I miss you._

I nestled into a small ball underneath the blanket. The darkness seemed a lot darker than before. Why didn't I just speak to him? Why was I such a bloody coward?

My mind wandered, my chest growing heavy before I finally fell into a worried sleep.

I dreamt about his lips. His crimson, soft lips that caressed my naked skin as I watched him undress. First, his robe, second his trousers and then his shirt, as his hands began touching my body-

But his hands weren't touching me. He was touching someone else, his fingers stroking the brunettes naked thighs as she leaned backwards, her eyes burning with lust as she smiled wickedly my way. _Mary._

I tried to run away but wherever I went her eyes followed, and Sirius voice that silently moaned her name. Mocking me. _Mary, Mary, Mary._

I ran faster, the sound of Sirius' voice slowly fading away as I stepped into another scene. It was dark, and I grabbed my wand, pointing it up before me as a shimmering light caught my attention. In the middle of the dark area laid a letter, an empty page that lightened up the room.

I walked towards it, my empty hand reaching for the paper but the second before I could reach it, it caught flames. The fire turning the letter into nothing else but ashes, and the room once again was filled with darkness when an evil laugh echoed around me.

I hugged the wand harder, "Who's there?" I demanded to know, my voice shaking. But there wasn't an answer. The laugh faded, and my feet slowly turned when another thing caught my attention. In the centre of my eye, a white door appeared, its golden handle shining as bright as sunlight on a summer morning.

My heart rushed at the next sound to appear. A loud, harsh knock on the other side of the door, waiting for me to open, welcoming whoever stood behind it.

My hand felt cold when I reached for the shining handle, my breath twitching when I pushed it down to reveal what or who waited for me.

The door swung open and my breath got caught in my throat as I stood eye to eye with the evil smirking man, his long light hair hanging down his shoulders. His eyes, frozen blue, the same as mine stared deep into my frightened soul.

I knew who he was. The many stories and photos I had seen of him as a child did him justice.

He smirked, still staring into my eyes when he lifted his arm, his black sleeve pulled up as he proudly showed me the mark engraved on his skin; a black skull, with a serpent escaping from its open jaws. _The dark mark_.

"Hello niece," he spoke with a wide smirk, his eyes burning with evil madness.


	49. The Lost Son

Chapter forty-nine.

I sat straight up, my forehead covered in cold sweat, my throat clamped in a frightened knot. The eyes of the man, _of Icarus_ , still staring at me through the darkness.

How could it be? That I dreamt of a man, in his contemporary self, without ever meeting him? Not even as a child.

My hand took a spasmodic grip around the bed sheet to stop it from shaking. I hadn't felt this afraid in years, and I knew; the dream was a warning. A warning about what was to come. I didn't know when, and I didn't know how, but I knew me and Icarus would cross paths, and it would happen soon. Perhaps sooner than I dared to think of.

"Mother, I'm telling you, the dream wasn't an ordinary dream. Icarus will make an appearance, I just don't know when," I argued, grabbing another potato from the brown paper bag, cut it in half with a slam.

"Please, Alissa. It's Christmas," mother sighed, pushing past me to reach for the Brussels sprouts next to me, "I really don't want to think about my brother."

"But-"

"That's it, Alissa. If you want to destroy the Christmas joy, so be it, but please, don't do it in front of me. I'm sure your grandmother would love to discuss Icarus with you," mother cut me off, and the stiff look in her eyes telling me that was the end of discussion. If you could even call it that.

I grunted, and in protest, I dropped the knife on the bench and dragged the apron of my shoulders. Mother's eyes followed me when I rushed out from the kitchen, and I could swear I saw her smile before the door slammed shut behind me.

 _Parents._ I snarled, taking two steps at a time up the stairs and slammed the bedroom door hard, just to make sure mother heard.

Perhaps she was right, perhaps I did "destroy" the Christmas spirit, but what the hell did Christmas matter when there was a war happening outside our own doors? Within our own family?

I sat down on the end of my bed, staring out the window. The snow slowly falling outside, the street filled with Christmas lights and trees clad in red and green decorations. It was beautiful, but at the same time, it annoyed the shit out of me.

 _What are we even celebrating?_ I had learned in Muggle Studies that the muggle's Christmas traditions had its background in something called religion. A man in the sky, sending his son to serve the people on the earth. Honestly, it all sounded pretty woolly, then again, muggles would probably find the wizardly community pretty woolly as well if they were to find out about it.

 _I wonder what Sirius is doing right now? Are they also preparing the meals for tonight? Or perhaps they're already opening their presents?_

Merlin, how I missed that man. His voice, his inspirational bravery, his strong and powerful mind.

 _Maybe I could write to him?_ It occurred to me, but only for a brief second. _No, if he wanted to talk to me, he would. That's the type of person he is._

And then, in the middle of the thought, I remembered; _Williams letter!_

I stood up, searching the nightstand for the parchment with the professors invite, but it was nowhere to be found. I searched the floor, the windowsill and under the bed, without any luck. The letter was gone.

 _I knew there was something missing yesterday night_ , I thought as someone knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" I shouted, and a low chuckle made its way through the door.

"It's only me," Grandfather's voice said, and I pushed the annoyance away.

"Oh, come in!" I shouted back, and the man entered the room, his face blushing after walking up the stairs.

"Mind if I have a seat?" He asked, pointing towards the chair behind my desk.

"Of course, sit," I nodded, taking a seat on the bed myself.

When the old man had got himself as comfortable as possible on the tiny wooden chair, his eyes gave me a grave look. A look I wasn't used to seeing on him. With Adelmar Fione there was mostly, if not always, only laughter and joy.

The graveness had always been grandmother's best quality, graveness and pessimism, and the thought I had been asking myself for years still crossed my mind. _Why had someone with so much lightness and appreciation for life, married such a dreadful and judgmental woman as Ophelia Fione?_

"I couldn't help but overhear fragments of your conversation with your mother downstairs," he said, raising a bushy grey haired brow.

"Don't tell me you've come here to admonish me about _'the Christmas joy'_ ," I sighed, looking at the old man.

"Don't you worry, child. I don't care about the Christmas joy, I'm just glad I got to meet my family," he hummed, his deep voice reminded me a bit of Professor Dumbledore.

"I'm happy you're here too grandfather. I wish we could see each other more often," I said truthfully, surprised that I so openly expressed my feelings. Perhaps it was easier to show love for your family than it was to show affection for others, love interests for example. I had much to learn.

The old man gave out another chuckle, "Soon, when you're done with your education at Hogwarts, you're more than welcome to visit us in London, whenever you want to," he smiled, but then he became grave again, "Which actually brings me to what I came here to talk to you about. Your grandmother."

"Oh?" I asked, surprised by his words.

"I know that she is a hard person to love. She is demanding, yes, and she can be quite much to handle at times," He stopped when he saw the expression on my face, "All right, all the time," he corrected himself, "But she hasn't always been like that."

And for the first time in my life, I watched my grandfather wipe away a tear of sadness from his turbid eyes.

"Back when we were young, she was the funniest person I had ever met. The wittiest Ravenclaws of them all. It's true," he laughed when I looked at him with sceptical eyes, "There was no doubt, that she was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my days with. But our happiness soon got a thorn in the side, when our many attempts to convince a family miscarried over, and over again," he paused to take a deep breath, his eyes were now off somewhere else, somewhere far back in time.

"Five years, that's how long it took for us to become with a child, and it was everything we had ever wanted. A healthy, screaming little baby boy, not that it mattered to us if it was a boy or a girl, but there he was. The first piece of our perfect little family," his eyes filled with tears again, but this time he didn't bother to wipe them away, "Icarus was the most important thing in the world to your grandmother, you see. She would do anything for that boy, but he betrayed her,"

I gasped, and his eyes met with mine.

"It is a sad story, Alissa. The story about Ophelia and her lost son, and it's a story she would never tell herself,"

"How was he like?" I whispered, afraid that my voice might call him near us. That evil smirking man from the dream.

"He was evil," he shook his head, closing his eyes as he carried on, "He loved to torture his mother with evil tricks, his whole childhood was filled with hatred towards the one person who loved him the most. And then Ainsley was born, and you would think a three-year-old child would love to have a sibling brought into his world, but Icarus was everything but happy."

"Grandfather, can I ask you something?"

"Anything my dear child," he nodded.

"Does Iona remind you of him?"

It seemed like the time had frozen. I had forgotten all about Christmas Eve, the only important thing was _this_. The first truthful answer of how my uncle was really like.

"It brings me great sadness to say this, but yes, Iona has always brought back memories of Icarus to the both of us. Ophelia can't handle it, it's too painful for her to think of him,..."

"I'm so sorry," I stood up, walking over to the man I had always found safety at, hugging his large figure inside my short arms, "I'm so sorry for what you've both have gone through."

"Don't be sorry, Alissa. Everyone must face their pains in life, the important thing is how we choose to handle it."


	50. Christmas Eve

Chapter fifty.

"Alissa! Iona! It's time for supper," father's voice echoed through the house and I at once sat up, the book I had been reading before drifting off into a long dreamless nap fell from my chest and down to the floor.

I had to shake my head before I realised where I was and to regain the strength to lift myself up from the bed and to quickly open the wardrobe where I had hung the dress mother so gladly had bought me last Christmas. A deep red, almost purple dress, the light material fell nicely against my skin and I felt glad she had chosen a dress without any resemblance to a cleavage. Because if grandmother had seen me in something with even a hint of showing breasts, I would've never heard the end of it.

I walked downstairs, right in time to meet my sister at the end of the stairs. Her back straightened in a confident posture, and I could swear there was a hint of a smile in the corner of her lips.

"Alissa," she nodded politely as I walked the last step downstairs and before I could answer she moved inside the dining room, her hair swinging in a high ponytail as she walked.

I frowned at her, confused about her whole appearance this evening. I had seen a sparkle in her eyes that I had never seen before, she wasn't the type of person to glow of something more than devilry. And I was certain, devilry laid behind her joyfulness this evening as well.

"Ainsley, darling, I'm just saying that it should have been more fitting with a red tablecloth instead of a white one. There's no need for this bitterness towards me, I must be allowed to speak my mind, am I not?" was the first thing I heard as I walked into the warm dining room, a dozen of candles were lightened all around the room, and in the sealing, the chandelier shone brightly.

"There's no bitterness towards you, dear mother," mother forced a smile, putting the last plate of food down in the middle of the table, "Your opinion about how I choose to set the table is extremely important to me."

"Nonsense," Ophelia snorted, her thick fingers hugging the napkin in her lap.

Mother was about to say something further when father averted her with clearing his throat loudly, all of us looking his way at the end of the table.

"Now that we're all here, I would like to propose a toast. First, to our lovely guest, Adelmar and Ophelia, we are so happy to have you here with us," he smiled, lifting his glass towards the cranky looking lady, who rolled her eyes at his words.

"Secondly, to my wonderful wife who makes my life so much better and thirdly to my two clever daughters that I'm so very proud of. Cheers!" He said and we all joined in, even Iona lifted her glass before lowering her wine.

"Iona, are you drinking red wine? I've bought butterbeer for you and Alissa," Mother said horrified, her hand reaching for her now empty wine glass.

"Oh, come on Ainsley, let the girls drink some wine. I do believe it isn't exactly the first time," father argued, and she gave him a long look before sighing.

"Fine, have some wine," she laid her hand back on her fork, "But only because it's Christmas."

"Ainsley-" grandmother gasped, but her daughter was quicker.

"Mother, please, stay quiet and eat your food."

A chuckle escaped grandfathers lips from where he sat behind stuffed plates of ham and mashed potatoes, his wife giving him a dark glance before he hid behind his large goblet of beer.

A faint smile spread across my lips, and I reached over the table to grab the chalice of wine, filling my glass with the dark red liquid. The taste ticketing the top of my tongue at first but after two sips I had decided I liked it.

After a while of silent eating and drinking, grandmother seemed to have stopped holding her grudge against mother as she loudly began to speak again.

"So, Alissa, how's school?" Her eyes peering at me from across the table.

I looked at Iona, her eyes stuck on her plate, the same dark expression in them as always.

"It's the same old, honestly," I laughed, happy that father had convinced mother about the wine-drinking. It clearly made the attention easier to handle. "The classes are going great, and isn't that all that matters?" I raised a brow, sticking another piece of bread inside my mouth.

"Is it?" Grandfathers deep voice spoke, his eyes examining me, his lips in a crooked smile.

"I can't think of anything with more importance," I answered him, fiddling with the last crumbs of my slice of bread.

"If you were to ask me, I would probably say that in your age," he looked at me and Iona, and I appreciated him including her in the conversation but at the same time the look in her eye made me wish she didn't exist at all, "The most important thing is to fall in love, and to have fun with your friends, and maybe then fall in love again."

"I do believe there's something Alissa isn't telling us," mother interjected and I felt the blood rushing to my face.

"I'm not quite sure what you're talking about right now, mother," I told her with a nervous laughter, my eyes begging her to stop talking.

"Oh come on, Alissa, tell us! Who is this person you so eagerly avoid talking about?" Mother smiled, sipping on her wine.

Why did she have to see right through me all the fucking time?

"I would rather not," I stated, swallowing hard, the stabbing pain in my heart reminding me of my last interaction with the person I so eagerly avoided to talk about.

"Please," mother begged, her eyes wide open and her lower lip pouting.

But before I could protest, Iona spoke for the first time since we had arrived at the table. Her voice calm and slow, as she looked my way, a bored expression on her face.

"Yes, Alissa. Why don't you inform our family about the name of your lover-boy? I'm positive they will all approve."

Everybody's eyes left me and fell on my sister, and I took a deep breath as her eyebrow raised at me, her hand bringing her glass of wine to her smirking lips.

"Who is she talking about, Alissa?" Grandmother turned back to me, and I could already tell by the disapproval in her voice, this wasn't going to be a pleasant conversation for my part.

"Thank you, sister, for your ensuring words," I spat her way, and she smiled wider, her hand moving in a slow gesture over the table. She was mocking me, that evil serpent.

"I'm curious too, who is Iona talking about, darling?" Mother said softly, and her hand hugged mine over the table.

I closed my eyes, my hands clenched into fists in my lap before I spoke the name of the boy I was, without any control, falling in love with.

"Sirius Black," I said, my voice nothing more than a whisper, but I heard by the way grandmother gasped for air that they had heard me.

"A Black?" Ophelia cried out with disgust, her hand up to her chest.

"Yes, grandmother, a Black," I burst out, and she winched in her chair.

"But the Black family is nothing but evil. You must know this, Alissa? Haven't you taught her a thing, Ainsley?" She looked in horror at her daughter, who swallowed hard before meeting her mother's eyes.

"Mother, aren't you being a little judgemental right now?" She spoke calmly, and her words only seemed to trigger the woman further.

"Judgemental?" She yelled, "Your daughter is spending her time together with the son of one of the most pernicious families in our community, and you choose to call me judgemental?"

I stared down at my hands, my heart beating hard as a war hammer against my rib cage, my cheeks blushing. I couldn't stand sitting here, listening to her brutally stupid assumptions about the man I had spent so much time with, and perhaps also too little time.

"Grandmother, with all respect, but you're actually plainly wrong," I encouraged myself to say, and she gave me a look I hadn't seen before.

"Excuse me?" She articulated, her breathing getting heavier by the minute.

"I know full well where the Black family's loyalty lies," I continued, "But to assume that all of those whose name is Black is all the same, is actually extremely judgmental of you."

"Young lady-" she tried but I wasn't finished, and I would not back down from this one.

"And for your information, Sirius Black happens to not only be one of the most endearing people I know, but he is also one of the persons with most hatred towards the Black family. So please, tell me more about how evil the man I'm in love with is." Bloody hell, did I just say that?

A tense silence fell over the room, and I grabbed my half-full glass and swallowed the wine all at once. Did I just admit to myself, in front of my family, that I was in love with him? Obviously, I had.

"Alissa," father was the first to speak, "He sounds like a very lovable man, and I'm happy that you have the bravery and integrity to stand up for the people you believe in."

I looked at him thankfully and he smiled warmly as mother laid her hand on my shoulder.

"Is there any chance for us to maybe meet this Sirius Black?" She said, and another sting of pain hit me in the chest.

"I don't know, mother," I sighed and she immediately sensed the tone in my voice.

"Perhaps that is a question for the future," she nodded and leaned towards me, giving my shoulders a tight hug, "Now, I believe we all need to lighten the mood with some singing!"

And exactly as she said so, the clock on the wall behind Iona turned nine and I saw as her mouth turned into a wide smile. Her teeth resembling the mouth of a predator as her lips curled up, and a feeling as cold as ice made its way into my stomach. _Something was about to happen_.

And just as I thought that there was a loud knock on the front door. The same knock I had dreamt about the night before, and everybody froze in their seats.


	51. The Sisters Decampment

Chapter fifty-one.

Everybody froze in their seats, except the smiling girl in front of me, her cheeks filled with colour and her eyes glowing with excitement as she calmly left her seat to walk out of the room.

My eyes turned to Father, who looked across the room, at the small side table where he had left his wand. But there was no time, the door closed behind Iona and the visitor we all so perfectly knew who it was. Yet, no one dared to believe it.

Their steps echoed through the corridor, and we all took one last breath in fear before they entered the room. Iona first, and her visitor close behind her. His long hair hung around his face, down over his black, slim mantle. His hands hugging a black cane, it's handle shaped as a plague mask in stainless silver, his fingers ornated with silver rings draped with emeralds.

If I wasn't so certain this man was filled with evil madness, with no capability to feel love or empathy for his own family, I would have laughed at what a cliche he appeared to dress like.

Ophelia was the first to make a sound at the sight of her son, and the pain in her eyes made the man smile.

"Hello mother," his mouth moved, but the sound seemed to come out from inside of him, like a deep hiss, making us all twitch, "I assume you've missed me. But here I am, your lost son."

No one dared to speak, and mothers hand grabbed mine under the table. A movement that didn't go unnoticed by Icarus.

"And sister, what a beautiful woman you've become. The last time I saw you, you were nothing more than an awkward hormonal teenager," he took another step inside, and Iona remained behind him, her eyes sweeping over her frightened family members, "But look at you now. A mother, a wife, everything you've ever wanted."

Mothers chest went up and down in a fast phase, but she dared not speak, and her brother's smile grew wider. The sound of his steps making us all look at him as if he was a ticking bomb.

Why hadn't mother listened to me earlier this morning?

But something told me it didn't matter what sort of preparations we had done, this man would have found us anyway. With the help of Iona.

"And you must be Eamon," he stopped behind fathers seat, and to everyone's surprise, Father answered.

"Yes," was all he said, but it was enough to make Icarus eyes turn in devilish joy.

"And father," he continued to walk around the table, his father refused to even look at him, "You disappoint me, am I not even worthy of your glance? Not even a short one? Hm, that hurts me, father."

"Last, but not least," he said next, and I could hear him stop behind my chair, "Hello, niece," he hissed, and I hugged mothers hand harder under the table.

"Alissa," he continued, "I must say, it's fascinating how alike you and your sister are on the outside, but to see how different you are on the inside; that's what's makes the two of you so interesting."

"Leave my children alone, Icarus," mother spoke between clenched teeth, her whole body tightening up as she turned to stare at her brother.

"A lioness, protecting her cubs from the malicious lion. How perfectly beautiful," Icarus mocked her, and his dark eyes made her sit back in her chair.

"Why have you come?" Grandmothers shivering voice whispered and her son looked her way, tapping his cane against the wooden floor two times before a laugh escaped his lips.

"Oh, dear mother. Do not fear me, I haven't come to hurt you," he walked back to where Iona still stood, her eyes wide in admiration as she watched him.

"I came here today, simply to wish you all, my family, a happy Christmas," he smiled, and looked into Ophelia's sad eyes, and as he stared into her eyes, I saw a change in his sight. A darkness so evil I feared for our lives, but it vanished just as fast as it came.

"And of course, I have also come to let you know that little Iona here," he reached for her arm and dragged her up in front of him, "She belongs to my family now, my other family. The family I choose."

A sound left mothers mouth but she was silenced by Iona.

"I will leave with Icarus tonight, never to return to this sad place. And I'm not sorry, I have never been sorry. I can't love you," she spoke, still completely calm, "I choose him, and the paths and opportunities he has laid out before me."

This was what she had been waiting for. To leave, with him, to join the side she so clearly always had belonged to.

"Iona, don't do this," mother begged her, tears streaming down her face.

"I have nothing more to say to you," she finished her speech, and once again Icarus stepped up in front of her.

"I am so sorry to take your child away from you, sister, but I warn you; there isn't anything you can do to stop this. And I'm deeply sorry if I've ruined your Christmas. We will leave now."

He bowed, gracefully spinning around, my sister not even giving us a last glance before she walked out of the room. But just as Icarus was to take his last step outside, he turned, his pale face revealing the wickedness that lived inside of him.

"Tell Mr Black I said hi," he turned to me, "Until next time," his snakelike voice said, his ice blue eyes meeting mine for a brief second, and then he was gone and everything went silent.


	52. Prolouge part II

A lonely umbrella, fugitive from its owner, rolled with the wind over the deserted street. There was no sound, except the blowing wind and the raindrops that fell solidly to the ground and upon the glass windows of the closed stores around the street.

But soon, a man's footsteps echoed over the pavement, his black pointy shoes splashing the rain around him as, his cane barely touching the ground as he walked towards the only shop with light shining out on the street. A cafe, of a rather exceptional sort off such in muggle eyes, but this man walked with a great deal of confidence inside, the door making no sound at all as it closed behind him.

He took a second to look around the room, a clock was ticking behind the counter where a lonely man poured coffee without touching the coffee pot. A group of six seated in the back of the room, their heads lowered and their voices kept low.

"What may I get you?" The man behind the counter asked the newly arrived one.

"Just a coffee," the customer answered. His hissing voice causing the man behind the counter to take a step backwards before he quickly filled up a cup of black coffee and handed it to the man waiting.

He took the cup and placed himself two tables away from the little group of six. There were four men and two women.

He noticed two of the men, caressing each other's hands openly on the table and he looked away in disgust, knowing he had to memorise all their faces. Especially the faces of the two men touching each other. Especially those.


	53. The Return

Chapter fifty-two.

In the middle of total family chaos and distress, I thought to myself, that everything had somehow fallen into its place. I had been reading this in my last tea leaf reading, the circle around the heart telling me that something was about to change. The heart in the middle of the circle, with the meaning of betrayal and family relationships and if I had paid more attention to my sister, maybe I could have known.

Iona had left us, her family, for a life side by side with evil. Her last words still ringing in our ears, after fifteen days of tears and fright and as I hugged mother goodbye at the crowded platform of 9 and ¾ I didn't want to let go. Her eyes had lost all of its former glistening, her skin pale after all the sleepless nights, but when she hugged me I felt a strength in her arms that ensured me, she would get through this.

Father embraced me, a tear stroking his cheek as he looked me in the eye to say, "Alissa, this is where you will be safe, at Hogwarts. I know that you want to stay with us, to protect us from whatever happens next, but I promise you, we are prepared. I have written a letter to Professor Dumbledore, he is informed about," his voice faded, and he took a deep breath before he had the strength to say it, "your sister's choice."

"I can't lose you," I whispered so that mother wouldn't hear.

"You won't, we will have all the help we need if need be," he hugged my shoulders, and the train whistle echoed over the station, "You need to go now!"

"Father I'm scared," I said as I gave him a last hug goodbye, and he nodded slowly.

"We are as well, but everything will be fine. I promise," he spoke in a sincere sense, and as I grabbed my trunk mother caressed my cheek.

"We love you, so much, Alissa. Never doubt that."

It was with heavy steps I stepped inside the first empty compartment I could find, my eyes turned to mother and father's waving figures, and with a sigh of both acceptance and grief I sat down on the compartment seat. I hadn't had the time to seek up Lara and Beth, or maybe I didn't want to.

How would I explain to them that my own sister had finally done it? Left the family to become a death eater. I couldn't bare myself to speak of it, not yet.

There was only one I desired to talk to, but that someone had made it pretty clear he wasn't going to discuss fugitive siblings with me. But oh, how I needed him, probably more than ever. I needed to feel something, something that made my heart roar and my body tremble. I needed someone to tell me that my sisters choices wasn't my responsibility and that I was different from her.

A knock on the compartment door made me jump at my seat and outside stood Lara, her mouth smiling and behind her were Beth jumping up and down in excitement. I didn't even force myself to look happy when they walked inside, and Lara instantly frowned at me.

"Who died?" She tried to joke, sitting down. Beth followed, sitting down next to me, her hair curled around her pink blushing face. She looked happy, and in a pure defence mechanism, I looked out the window, away from their watchful eyes. I had decided I wasn't ready to tell them about it yet, but I also knew the both of them already noticed something was wrong.

"Alissa?" Lara said again, waving her hand in front of my face.

"It's nothing, you guys."

"So I suppose you're totally over your little fling with Sirius Black then?" she raised a brow, her teasing tone causing me to glare at her.

"Totally," I muttered, my hand hugging the end of my sleeve. The words I had uttered during Christmas dinner echoing in my head, 'The man I'm in love with.' and also the man I hadn't spoken to in over three weeks. Probably he had forgotten all about me, perhaps he hadn't made that big change that Remus had been going on about.

"So, how was your Christmas?" I asked, turning the attention away from myself, and at once Beth's face lit up.

"It was fantastic!" She said, her cheeks flushing brighter, "On Christmas morning Trevor sent me a small velvet box, and inside laid this," she held up her arm, showing us a slim silver chain clad with small charms in the shape of ravens.

"Are you serious?" Lara cried out, grabbing hold of Beth's hand to inspect the bracelet thoroughly.

"Mhm," Beth hummed with a pleased voice, the dimples on her cheeks looked so deep I could probably get my finger stuck in there.

"Beth, I'm so happy for you," I said, and a not so forced smile made its way to my lips. Because I truly was happy for her, finally she was with a person that respected her and that appreciated her for the loving person she is.

"I am too," Beth giggled, as Lara inspected the silver charms.

"And charms shapes as ravens? How bloody cute is that?" She sighed as she leaned back against her seat, "I think I speak for the both of us," she pointed at me, "when I say that he is approved."

"Duh," Beth rolled her eyes, "I'm just surprised it took me almost seven years to realise what a total babe he is."

"In your defence, Trevor Abbott hasn't always been that kind of babe-like," Lara frowned, and all three of us burst out in a loud laugh by the thought of Trevor Abbotts early school years.

"You know, he has completely stopped hanging out with Aaron and Casper after what Aaron did during that DADA-lecture," Beth added when our laughs faded, and I raised a brow in chock.

"Really?"

"Yes, he says that if he needs to spend another day in their company he will need to go see a therapist. He can't stand their misogynistic humour anymore, not to mention the fact that they can be slightly racist."

"I can't believe I dated that guy for seven months without noticing what a dough he really is," I shook my head in annoyance.

"Honestly, Alissa. I don't think you cared enough to notice," Lara said warmly.

"But why didn't you tell me then?" I shot back, and she glimpsed at Beth who just shook her head.

"I don't know how to say this without making you feel guilty," she continued, "but Casper's seems to have gotten a lot more idiotic after your breakup."

"Ha!" I burst out, and the both of them jumped in surprise, "I won't take the blame for his shitty behaviour just because I broke up with him. That's not an excuse for him to start taking after that swine Aaron," I laughed bitterly, every word causing my blood to boil a little more than before. My nails dug into the fabric of the seat, my hand shaking slightly as doing so.

"Alissa, are you okay?" Lara spoke carefully, her hand stretching out to caress my knee but she was careful not to touch me before I had given her permission.

I swallowed, my eyes turned to the window and the green landscape, changing like a flash of light as the train passed by.

"No," I finally admitted, and at once something that had laid so heavy inside of my chest vanished.

"And I guess this has got nothing to do with Casper Wilkinson?" Lara asserted and I gave her a quick glance.

I had to tell them.

"No," I repeated, and with a shaking voice, I told them the story of Icarus and Iona, and how my Christmas break had been nothing but distress and anxiousness. When I had finished and both of them had got the time to react I settled back, closing my eyes and admitted that Hogwarts actually might be the perfect place for me right now.


	54. Sickeningly Beatific

**Chapter fifty-three.**

Students streamed inside the great hall, and everywhere stood groups of hugging and cheering people that welcomed each other back after the long holidays. I tried my best not to roll my eyes as I pushed past a group of sixth-years dressed in red and golden ties, their happiness mocking my every strained nerve.

"Is it always this sickeningly beatific after the holidays?" I grunted as I sat down next to Lara, who to my disgust waved frantically across the room, her whole face lightening up as she spotted her girlfriend at the Hufflepuff table, "Ugh, maybe I need to make some new single friends."

"Sorry," Lara turned to me when she finished her romantic waving, "I didn't hear you. What did you say?"

"Nothing," I growled, careful not to let my gaze wander to where I most certainly knew he was sitting. Lara gave me a gentle push, before leaning in closer.

"Honestly, if this is what the lack of Sirius Black in your life does to you, then you need to talk to him."

"No, I don't," I snarled, and just as I expected she sighed before putting on a smile.

"I'll give you a week, at most."

I was about to give her another curt answer when a loud throat clearing rumbled over the hall from the professor's table, and all the attention fell on Dumbledore who stood up waiting for everyone to silence. His eyes swept over the room, and at every table he let his gaze stop for a split second, and soon there was no sound but the low ticking of Professor McGonagall's nails tapping the foot of her golden chalice. As soon as she understood she was the only one making a sound, her hand froze, and Dumbledore gave her a nod before he opened his mouth to begin his headmaster's speech.

But before he got the chance to even begin, a rowdy laugh from the Gryffindor table bounced up on the walls and at once I clenched my fist so hard that I could feel my nails dig into my skin. The scratchy sound did without a doubt belong to no other than Sirius, and all my attempts since I arrived inside the hall to not look at him, failed.

My eyes searched the table behind the Hufflepuff's and it took me no longer than a second to find what I wasn't supposed to look for. His mouth open as his laugh had gone from loud to make no sound at all, his hand on its way to cover his lips and the other hand laid casually on the shoulder of Mary Macdonald that sat on his right. His hair drawn back in a loose bun, some strands of his raven coloured hair hanging down his cheeks. That was something I had never seen him wear before, and something I now would fantasize about in my most private of times. Do you have to be such a damn piece of art? I thought as he calmed himself down from whatever hilarious conversation they must've had. It was as if I couldn't look away, my eyes stayed on his face even if it slowly made me feel sick to my stomach.

"And I assume you are now done, Mr Black?" Dumbledore asked with a furrow, and the young man nodded apologetically. My breath grew heavy the more I stared, and the more his hand on Mary's shoulder didn't move away. Of course, he was more than allowed to touch his friends in whatever way felt appropriate but him, having his arm around her on top of everything else I had dealt with during the break; it was too much and I finally found the strength to look away.

Bloody hell, what were I to do off this situation? I knew Lara was right, I probably needed to speak to him before I could get rid of all the frustration inside of me. But how? There had been three weeks since we last spoke, and that hadn't been pleasant. And on top of everything, my sister was by now most definitely a death eater. It was almost ridiculous. Who was this person sitting in my seat?

A person that in the beginning of this semester had planned to finish the last school year with extreme simplicity, write her N.E.W.T finals with a high score and then leave without making any bigger mark in anyone's life than perhaps the memories of the two blonde twins, me being the one without the scar. Perhaps my classmates would remember me as clever, or perhaps they wouldn't remember me at all. I had maybe planned to still be dating Casper as we graduated and then I would end up at some moderately important department of the Ministry of Magic, just like Mother. But all of those plans were long gone. It didn't matter if they hadn't exactly been dreams of the future, but they were what I had expected of myself.

But now I found someone else sitting where I sat, and that was a woman that hadn't expected to fall in love with the rebellious rock star of the school, and she had neither expected that that was what would take up all of her thoughts and now all of her dreams about the future.

Dumbledore finished up his speech right in time for my life crisis thoughts to almost take over, but luckily, the arrival of the food caught my attention.

"Holy Cricket, this is our last-first supper of the semester meal," Lara spoke as she watched the chicken wing in her hand with sentimental eyes.

"Please, don't remind me that we're actually growing up. I really need to think about something else right now," I complained, cutting my tomato in half with maybe a little too much force. The juicy inside splashing over the table, landing on Trevor Abbott's white shirt.

"Okay, Alissa, you need to calm down," Beth ordered, grabbing hold of my hand.

"Beth, she's sexually frustrated. I don't think she can calm down," Lara said, pulling off the skin from her chicken wing.

"Shut up, Lara!" I snarled, stuffing a piece of tomato inside my mouth. "And Trevor, I'm really sorry about that," I pointed to his shirt.

"I'm going to regret saying this, but if what Lara says is true, I'm glad you at least got to do a squirt of some sort," Trevor said, his mouth turning into a shaky smirk, and Lara sat her hands to her mouth, giving out a howl so loud I knew Sirius would look our way.

"And I thought you were one of the nice guys," I shot back at him, and his smile changed from unsure to confidence.

"I wouldn't be one of the nice guys if I called myself a nice guy, would I?" He raised a brow, taking a sip from his cup and even though I hated to give it to him, I smiled.

"Time will tell then I guess," I said and he lifted his cup as an answer when a small hand was placed on my back.

"Miss Fione?"

I turned, and at eye level with me stood Professor Flitwick. He removed his hand and looked down to his feet, before meeting my eyes again.

"Yes, professor?" I asked and he smiled faintly.

"I was sent here to tell you that Professor Dumbledore wants you to join him at his office after supper."

"Oh, I see," I said, my shoulders dropping a bit, "Thank you, professor."

He nodded and walked back to his seat, and I grabbed my fork and stabbed another piece of tomato.

"What a fun evening, don't you agree?" I turned to Lara with a sarcastic smile.

"A week, at most," she declared again and I bit the tomato in two with a slam.


	55. Problem Solver

Chapter fifty-four.

"Come in, miss Fione," the voice of professor Dumbledore rumbled through the closed door. _How the fuck?_ I thought as I grabbed the doorknob and entered the headmaster's office. The headmaster sat behind his elevated desk, his beard almost falling down into the cup of tea that was placed in front of him. When I entered he looked up from a piece of parchment that he held in his right hand, and before I got the time to say a word he pointed me towards a narrow wooden chair next to his desk.

"Take a seat," he said, putting the parchment away, but I could swear I had seen my Father's signature at the end of the paper. It must have been the letter he sent Dumbledore about Iona, and as I sat down my hands went ice cold and I placed them in the gap between my thighs to keep them warm.

"My guess is that you already know why you are here, Alissa?" The old but very bright man raised one of his furry brows over his glasses, and at once it seemed as if he could watch right through me. That was one of the things with Dumbledore that made him both brilliant and terrifying, it was impossible not to tell the truth to that man.

I stuttered on the words, nervous about what the outcome of this conversation would be, "Y-yes Professor."

"Do not worry child, your sister's choices has never been your responsibility. I asked you to come here tonight to clarify that I'm informed about the situation within your family and that I and Eamon will for now on keep in contact with each other,"

"Is there anything you can do?" I asked, a tiny spark of hope reaching my eyes.

"About your sister's disappearance?" He wondered, and I gave him a quick nod, "I'm afraid not," was his final answer and his eyes looked at me with pity.

"Your sister left on her own will, and she doesn't wish to be found, therefore I know we won't. The company she now keeps has a, almost admirable, way of keeping their partisans out of reach from _us_."

"Whom do you mean by _us,_ Professor?" and without noticing it myself, I leaned in closer towards his desk in curiosity.

"That's a story for a different time, if ever, Miss Fione," He put forth with a sharp voice and I looked down in my lap in disappointment. If my family was to trust him with our deepest family matters, I wanted to know what type of people Dumbledore in his turn would entrust with the information.

"I see," I spoke after a while, my jaw clenched and Dumbledore gave me an amused look as if my irritation towards his answer entertained him.

"To everything in life, there is a season," he said, and I pushed away a sigh. Of course, he would try to get away with shutting me out by some wise words of wisdom.

"But you also said my season may never come, Professor," I countered and a laugh escaped the man's mouth.

"There's a witty bitterness in you that I believe will bring you good fortune in the academic world, and hopefully it can be used to sort out the people worth keeping in your life from the ones you should let go off. But don't let it drown you, Alissa, don't forget to also _feel_. The world is turning into a darker place, and we must all remember that love, in all shapes and forms, can heal more than we think."

I just stared at him, my mouth slightly open to speaking when he raised up from his seat.

"I won't take up your time any longer tonight," he walked down the short steps, and opened the thick door for me, "Go now, go have some fun with your friends before the first class tomorrow, and remember, if there's ever anything you need to speak about, my door is always open." and before I knew it I was standing in the empty corridor once again.

Had I even gotten anything out from the short meeting we just had? I asked myself as I started walking towards the western wing of the castle. The meeting hadn't taken longer than half an hour but the corridors were already deserted from any students. They were all probably eager to unpack their trunks for the semester.

As I passed the Defence against the dark arts classroom I spotted a man walking towards me further down in the corridor, his hair laid messy over his head and on top of his pointy nose rested a couple of square-shaped glasses. William Thistle looked as if he hadn't slept in days and I slowed down when he got closer.

"William!" I said, a smile spreading across my face as the Professor looked up, but the smile vanished at once. His face looked pale, and underneath his eyes, two dark circles rested. His glasses stained with spots that he hadn't cared to clean off, and at once I realised something was wrong.

"I'm sorry, Alissa. I don't have time to speak to you right now," was the only thing he uttered before walking right past me, his steps heavy but determined.

 _What just happened?_ I shook my head in confusion and turned to watch Williams figure disappear inside his classroom. _Is he mad at me for something?_ was my next thought and an unpleasant feeling made its way into my stomach. Did this have something to do with the fact that I didn't respond to his invitation during Christmas? But I found that very hard to believe.

As I continued my stroll towards the common room I decided it was best if I simply asked the Professor what was the matter after our next DADA-lesson. Nothing would get better with me pondering about it before I knew what was actually going on.

"Alissa!" A voice called for me as I turned into another corridor and I turned at once, seeing a wave of red-hair jumping as Lily Evans ran towards me. Pinned onto her Gryffindor jumper was a Prefect-pin and in her hand she held a clipboard, ready to take notes of any wrongful activities after curfew.

"Lily, hi!" I responded as she grabbed my shoulder to drag me into a hug.

"Where have you been?" She asked, a curious look in her eyes and I could see her glancing down on her clipboard. I wondered if Lily Evans was one of those prefect's that would rather keep the students out of trouble or one of those prefects that enjoyed reporting misbehaviour. My guess was in the first.

"I would prefer if you didn't tell anyone about it, but I was just heading back to our tower after a little meeting with Dumbledore."

Lily's eyes first widened in curiosity but knew better than to ask anything further. She knew when her involvement in a situation wasn't wished for, nor needed at the moment.

"I see," she nodded, "I won't say a thing, you have my word."

"I appreciate it," I answered and she locked our arms together.

"Mind if I escort you back to your tower, Miss Fione?" she suggested, her voice joyful and her eyes glistening of something mischievous.

"Be my guest, Evans," I said as we continued to walk down the dimmed corridor. I could tell there was something Lily kept unsaid, but the blush on her cheeks and the peculiar smile on her face were all I needed to realise someone had told her not to speak of the thing she so desperately wanted to tell me. For a second a glimpse of hope sparked inside my chest, _what did Sirius say to her?_ But I pushed the thought away before it had the chance to get

stuck in my mind.

"So, how was your holiday?" Lily asked instead, but when she saw the look on my face she quickly changed the subject, "Or, let's talk about something else?"

"Thank you," I smiled thankfully.

"Are you excited about the Apparition classes, or I just assume you're to take the class?" she jumped to a way less emotionally loaded subject with ease.

"Totally, I've felt kind of nervous about it, since there's a change of splinching, but then I discussed it with Lara and she was more than certain I wouldn't be one of the students suffering from that. You know, to splinch you need to be very unfocused while apparating and that has never been a problem for me," I paused to think over the words I had just said because they weren't exactly true. Since Sirius Black came into my life I had been more unfocused during class than ever before, "More or less..." I added and Lily raised a brow.

"Let me guess, does someone with long black hair got something to do with that last comment?" she poked me gently in the side.

"Ugh Lily, I hate to admit it, but yes. Who else?"

"I can't accept the fact that the two of you aren't speaking," she promptly confessed as we reached the stairs that led up to the Ravenclaw tower.

"There's isn't much to do," I said with a sigh and she gave me an annoyed furrow.

"There isn't?" she questioned me, and I avoided to look her into the eye. She could be even more convincing than Lara when she wanted to, "Alissa, if you ask me, there is something to be done about it. Speak to him!" she laid her hand on my shoulder, shaking me slightly back and forth in her grip.

"I don't know, Lily. It really hurt me when he left me outside the party like that,"

"And you don't think you might have hurt him when you kissed Oliver Rickett like that?" She shot back, a smug grin spreading on her lips. _Merlin, there's no way to hide when Evans at it._

"I didn't _want_ to kiss Oliver Rickett, he kissed me!" I proclaimed and Lily gave me a nod.

"I know that, Alissa. But Sirius isn't as rational as you and me at times, and honestly, I believe he got afraid,"

"Afraid of what exactly?" Now it was my time to make an annoyed furrow.

"I'm not allowed to speak of this," Lily sighed heavy before she shook her head in frustration. She gave me the impression of a stressed mother that tried to solve a conflict between her two stubborn children.

"Then don't," I put forth, irritation growing in my stomach. Not towards Lily, but towards this damn situation.

"But I have to, otherwise you two will never speak again. You're both too damn proud," She said with a laugh and I just stared at her, "You know what, I hereby invite you to our traditional after-the holidays' camping trip,"

"You are doing what?" I asked sceptically and Lily just smiled.

"It's a night out in the forest, campfire, songs, fire-whiskey. You'll love it," she let go of my shoulder and gave it a light stroke, "I'll give you more of the details tomorrow after potions, okay? It will be the perfect time for you and Sirius to get over this little argument." She leaned in and gave my cheek a light kiss before walking the other way, back to where we had come from.

I stared at her for a long couple of seconds before I moved up the stairs, my head spinning of Lily Evans voice and at the same time I pictured Sirius Black sitting by a campfire, his hair blowing in the wind as I watched him through the flames, his lips enclosing around a cigarette as his gaze wandered to where I sat,...It was decided, I was so going on that camping trip.


	56. a Lovely Surprise

Chapter fifty-five.

Saturday night, Lara and I stood leaning behind two pillars next to the entrance to our common room, working our hardest not to be seen by any undesirable student that most likely would have absolutely no problem with ratting us out to Professor Flitwick.

Since the Ravenclaw Quidditch team apparently had a fantastic season last semester, not that I had paid enough attention to notice, everyone in our house had decided it was time to join the lead side by side with Gryffindor for this years house cup. Therefore, we were a tot nervous about getting caught out of bed long past curfew.

"Didn't Lily say he would be here by now?" Lara whispered impatiently, stomping her foot against the floor.

"Ssh," I urged, placing a hand on her thigh to stop her from blowing our cover, "He'll be here any minute."

"I'm starting to have second thoughts about this,..." she said as she stopped her foot from moving.

"Weren't you the one that wanted me to speak to Sirius again?" I questioned her, peering down the stairs, looking for a boy with messy hair and glasses.

"Of course, that's not the point," she argued, as she grabbed her hair in one hand, flicking a hair tie around her curls, "I'm just questioning how much of a good idea it is to sneak out from the castle in the middle of the night to go camping in the woods."

"Are you questioning my methods, Lara Killick?" An amused voice spoke from the top of the stairs, but to Lara's big surprise there was no one there.

"What in Merlin's name is going on?" She grabbed my sleeve and stared at the spot where the voice had spoken, and as the figure of James Potter appeared out of the blue she winched back, "Potter, how did you do that?"

"You're just about to find out," James winked at her, giving me a quick nod, "Alright there, Alissa?"

"Perfectly fine," I lied as he held up his cloak for us to hide under. To be honest, I was starting to feel terrified, and that had almost nothing to do with us breaking the rules.

"What is this?" Lara touched the thin fabric, just as I had reacted when Sirius had shown it to me for the first time.

"This, my friends, are an invisibility cloak," James said proudly, and I realised he didn't know I had already used it.

"Wow," I tried to sound impressed but the young man just frowned at me.

"Sirius has already shown this to you, hasn't he?"

"No," I shook my head, but the look on his face made me cave quicker than I wanted to admit, "Alright, yes, he has shown it to me."

"That bastard, he promised me not to," he muttered, and I wondered why that might be, "What else has he shown you?" James asked as we all ducked to fit under the cloak.

"I'm not sure what you want me to answer on that question," I frowned and he burst out laughing.

"I didn't mean his private parts, Fione. But I must say, he does have a beautiful physique, don't you agree?"

"I- how did we even end up on this subject?" I stuttered, as blood rushed to my cheeks. There hadn't been a day since the party where I hadn't thought about that beautiful physique, but I knew better than to talk about it with James Potter.

"I'll take that as a yes," he laughed and all of our six feets walked carefully down the tower, Lara holding onto my shoulder and me grabbing the end of James sleeve to make sure I didn't trip on anyone's shoes.

The rest of the walk went smoothly, apart from the moment we almost crashed right into Professor Slughorn on his nightly patrol. James muttered something about a map together with some curse words and the name Padfoot.

When we reached the outside grounds another wave of fright hit me in the stomach because now there were no more obstacles to concur before we could join the others in the woods, and that meant I would meet Sirius again in less than ten minutes.

"Are you okay?" Lara whispered, still under the cloak.

"I'm fine," I said, and I glimpsed a smirk on James' lips, "James?" I asked.

"Mhm?" He turned to me.

"Does Sirius know that I'm coming?" and just as I thought an expression of panic hit his eyes, "Are you kidding me? I can't believe you two didn't tell him."

"Believe me, Alissa, it will be a lovely surprise," he tried to convince me but the closer we got to the forest, the more I wanted to grab the cloak for my own and run back the other way.

"If not, I'll hold you and Lily responsible for whatever damage you've put me in," I warned him and he didn't protest.

"Fine," he conceded just as we stepped behind the threes in the forest, "I can take this now," he grabbed the cloak and lifted it off our shoulders, "It's this way," he said and lead us deeper into the dark.

Soon we heard voices, and the closer we got I could distinguish the sparks of a campfire in the middle of four fallen tree trunks, and around it sat people. They were laughing while passing a bottle around and I automatically grabbed hold of Lara's hand. Fuck, I'm nervous.

"You'll be fine," she ensured me as we took the last step into the little campsite. The heads of at least six people turned around, eyeing the new arrivals with both amusement and something I would like to call annoyance. The later only showing on one of the faces, and as I met those grey eyes across the fire I could swear my heart stopped. Sirius' eyes met mine for a second before he turned to the redhead sitting next to him, and I could see his lips moving in a way that most definitely meant _"What the fuck is she doing here?"_

Ah, such a lovely experience this would turn out to be, I thought bitterly as James dragged me closer to the fire.


	57. Playing Games

Chapter fifty-six.

I couldn't take my eyes off of him. Not from his ivory skin that shone in the light from the sparkling fire, nor of his hands that slowly brought the bottle of liquor to his crimson lips. His eyes that from time to time met with mine through the burning flames, and even if he made it clear that my presence wasn't wished for I couldn't help but feel a burning sting throughout my whole body when our eyes met.

I had missed him, more than I dared to admit and now he was sitting there, merely 6 feet away and it was almost impossible to concentrate on anything else.

"Ravenclaws, would you like a drink?" James snatched the bottle from Sirius, that he had been holding onto for far too long and offered it to me and Lara.

Lara took the bottle and immediately turned my way.

"I guess you need this the most?" She leaned closer towards me to whisper and I fought the urge to give her a quick jab on the shoulder, and instead, I thankfully took the bottle and brought it to my mouth.

"I suppose you're right," I said between clenched teeth after swallowing a large gulp, resting the bottle between my hands as my eyes slowly drifted across the fire just in time to see Mary McDonald take a seat next to _him_.

Her long dark curls tickling his cheek as she leaned close to him, clearly whispering something unfit for other ears. I hugged the bottle harder as I watched Sirius' lips turn from a seductive smile into a thin line, his eyes seeking to the flames as he shook his head. Mary sat back up, eyeing him for a moment before she rolled her eyes and let them fall right on me.

 _Oh shit._

She didn't look surprised to find me already staring at them, and she gave me a restrained smile before I broke eye contact. Why did I agree on doing this? I questioned myself as a pair of soft green eyes found mine, a questioning arch on his left brow and without hesitation, he got up and sat down beside me.

"You look miserable," he stated, giving my shoulder a hug.

"Thank you, Remus, that's exactly what I needed to hear this evening," I laughed bitterly and he smiled apologetically.

"How are you holding up?" He asked, wasting no time on unnecessary small talk. A quality I admired about him and his friends. They had realised life was too short to waste it on platitudes and politeness phrases.

"With what exactly?" I shrugged my shoulders and dropped the bottle I was holding in Lara's lap.

Remus gave me a look that told me he wasn't only speaking about Sirius and me. No, there was another type of concerns hiding in the corner of his eye.

"Everything?"

"Well, what can I say?" I sighed, my eyes locked on my feet, "It's not great, but I guess it could be worse."

"I see," he nodded, "Don't you think it would all feel a lot better if you just spoke to him?"

"I'm not quite sure who you're referring to right now," I mumbled as I bit my lip.

"Of course you're not," if an eye roll had a voice, that voice was it, "This is what happens when two stubborn people decide to get involved with one another."

"It's hard teaching an old dog to sit, you know," I tried but he only shook his head in irritation.

"Talk to him, Alissa."

"And what about that? Still something I don't have to worry about?" I questioned him, and he looked Sirius way.

"Mary, you mean?"

"Mhm," I let out, tugging on the end of my jeans.

"That is correct," he said with confidence, "That's still something you don't have to worry about."

"Then why are they more or less glued together every time I spot him this week?"

Remus cleared his throat, "Well, maybe Sirius is playing a dirty game right now. He's just trying,..."

"I get it," I interrupted him before he could say it. I didn't want to get my hopes up by hearing the words that he was actually trying to make me jealous, and more importantly, that was a dirty game of him to play, "I thought he had stopped his foolish games? Wasn't that what you told me before Christmas?"

"As you said yourself, it's hard teaching an old dog to sit,"

And what if he would never stop playing those kinds of games? Was that really a person worth ripping your heart out for? Probably not..., but did I even have a choice anymore?


	58. Lying with Ease

Chapter fifty-seven.

A shiver causing wind found its way through the trees and Remus was quick to catch up on the quiver escaping my body.

"Are you cold?" He asked, and before I knew it he had undressed from his jacket and hung it over my shoulders, "Here, take this."

"But what about you?" I raised a brow, touched by his kindness. It was a shame that I hadn't spent more time getting to know him during our studying days in the library. _Maybe we would have been close friends by now?_

"Don't worry about me. I am per say, always warm," he smiled and I gave him a distrusting look as I reached out to touch his arm, and much to my surprise and to Remus amusement I found his skin completely warm. It felt as if he had laid in the sun for hours, and he smiled smugly.

"Told you,"

"But, how?" I said, still with my hand on his bare skin when I caught an obscure glare coming our way from across the fire. _Really? You're the one being jealous?_

"Perhaps it has got to do with my warm hearted personality," Remus suggested with a hint of sarcasm hidden deep inside his words, and a furrow found its way to my forehead. But before I could say something about it Remus discreetly nodded towards Sirius, "I believe it's in both of our interest that you go speak to him before he decides to rip that jacket of you and throw it in my face."

And he was right, Sirius looked anything but pleased with our exchange of words and outerwear.

 _For Merlin's sake, relax. He's gay_. I muttered for myself, but the second I thought it I also decided that had nothing to do with it. I was allowed to speak to whomever I damn pleased.

"Fine," I hissed, "Where's Lara with that bottle?" I said in slight desperation but Remus just shook his head and gave me a gentle push up from my seat.

"You're speaking to him, now."

"How can it be that you, James and Lily are the most annoying people in my life right now?" I said bitterly while standing up.

"Enough, you're not escaping this, Fione." and with those words he had put an end to the discussion and I realised that I was already standing up. There was no way out of this, if I wanted to avoid running deep into the woods by myself, hiding there for the rest of the night or perhaps forever.

No, Remus was right. I needed to do this even if it brought my chest a hell of a lot of trouble breathing normally and my legs the same consistency as Gummy Worms from Honeydukes.

It seemed as if every eye around the campsite followed my every step as I rounded the fire and stepped up into Sirius sight. The short time it took for him to raise his head to met my eyes, I swear it felt like hours. But then he did it, his eyes met with mine and at once I forgot all about the world around us.

He didn't say a word, and his lips was snarled into a proud and slightly resentful line and I clenched my hand into a fist behind my back.

"Mind if I sit down?" I finally spoke, and an almost unnoticeable flinch crossed his stone cold face.

"Not at all," he had the decency to answer after a long time of consideration, and I made my move slowly not to risk touching him as I took a seat next to him. His eyes searched for the safety within the flames once again, and I stopped the urge to grunt at him.

What was I supposed to do now? Yell at him that I most certainly was in love with him? Or that he really had hurt my feelings when he left me like that after the party? Or that I wanted to drag him to the first three out of earshot and let him fuck me until we both forgot everything about the games we both seemed to be playing? Of course I did neither.

"How was your Christmas?" I asked after minutes of uncomfortable silence.

"Splendid," he said blankly, still staring right ahead instead of meeting my eyes, "and yours?" he returned the question with no true interest at all. _Has he really forgot all about us? Or is he just really good at acting careless?_

"It was perfect," I lied with ease, "The absolute perfect Christmas," and a hint of an eyeroll crossed his face but he made no attempt to say anything further.

"I almost wrote you a letter," I admitted, my fingernails digging deeper into my hand. Another flinch in his otherwise stale face revealed that the words actually affected him, but in what way was impossible to say.

"What stopped you?" He slowly turned my way, and my breath got caught in my throat as our eyes caught each other and every suppressed thought about me and him came crushing down over me. _Don't stare at his lips, don't stare at his lips_. I, of course, stared at his lips.

"I came to the realisation that you're the type of person that if you wanted to speak to me; you would've."

There was a slight surprise in his eyes as the words hit him, but he gathered himself faster than I could say blockhead.

"And that you're just a hundred percent sure off?" He muttered under his breath, and I had no idea if it was meant for me to answer or not and another thick silence fell down in between us. I glanced down at his hand that laid pressed against the tree trunk, his nails painted black apart from the top of every nail that he must have scuffed away while biting his nails.

"Can we go somewhere more private to talk?" The question came out of nowhere and a cough made its way up my throat. Could I really handle that? Being alone with him? Yet again, I didn't have much of a choice when it came to Sirius Black.

"Sure," I tried to answer in the most casual tone I could manage to perform and he wasted no time.

I could feel the eyes of Lara and Remus burning in my back as I followed Sirius deeper into the forest, every step away from the campsite causing my heartbeat to quicken and by the time he stopped my cheeks were warmer than the fire we just left behind.

He leaned in against a thick oak and I stood awkwardly in front of him before I decided to sit down at a overgrown stock not far from where he was standing.

"A cigarette?" He offered, and I sighed. Not in annoyance, just in pure frustration that I didn't have the option to stand up, grab the collar of his leather jacket and press myself up against him.

"Yes," I said, and swallowed my sinful thoughts, waiting for him to give me a cigarette and a lighter. Instead he did something completely different. He took out a cigarette and put it between his plump lips, lightened it and took a deep inhale before he handed it to me. The filter was slightly damped from his lips as I placed it in my mouth, and a spark of lust for him shot down from my head to my lower middle. _What an complete asshole._

"So," I said after the tobacco had done its thing, "why did you bring me here?"

"I don't know, you tell me," he was quick to answer, another cigarette glowing between his teeth.

"It was your idea," I furrowed, flicking the cigarette in my grip so that the ashes fell down on the frosty ground.

"It felt slightly uncomfortable over there with everyone watching us," he raised a brow, "But it was you who came to speak to me. Not the other way around."

 _Ouch_. Why was he acting like this? Had I really frightened him that bad?

"Honestly, I did believe your friends had told you I was coming," I contoured, ignoring the pain that slowly built up in my stomach. Pain together with lust, probably one of the most dangerous combinations.

"But they didn't," he fired back, a dark expression forming over his face.

"Merlin's sake," I whispered under my breath before I had the chance to stop myself and Sirius inhaled a deep breath.

"I'm sorry, what was that?" He said, staring me right in the eye.

"Nothing," I grunted between clenched teeth and a arrogant laugh left his mouth. I took a steady grip on the stocks edge, just to make sure I didn't grab a stick and threw it in his face. Instead I took another breath of the cigarette, gathering all of my pride and courage before standing up.

 _I need to be the bigger person. Don't let your emotions make you foolish_. I repeated for myself as I took a step closer towards the annoyed man and his watchful eyes that looked as if I was a dementor coming his way to suck out his soul.

"Sirius," I said, my voice not stronger than a whisper, and as I came up closer I dropped the cigarette to the ground and he pressed himself even closer towards the tree before I stood only inches apart from him.

He didn't answer, but his heavy breathing did the talking for him. It didn't care how much he tried to deny it, my presence did affect him.

"Sirius," I said again, this time with much more confidence, and I stretched out my hand towards his cheek but in the last second I regretted my decision, "I just want you to know that I'm sorry for the way I handled things after the party."

His eyes were locked on mine, and I could smell the tobacco escaping his lips as his breath turned to steam in the cold January air.

"I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. I shouldn't have gotten angry at you," I continued, and I stepped closer towards him. Now I would touch the sleeve of his jacket if I didn't hold my arms pressed against my sides, "Instead I should have explained to you what was going on. I should have made sure you knew that _I_ didn't kiss Oliver Rickett, and that I didn't want _him_ to kiss _me_."

I had no idea where all of this confidence came from, but as I watched the man in front of me I realised I had to be humble. My own pride wasn't the most important thing in this situation. He was. I needed him to forgive me, and if that meant I had to step down from my high horse, and admit my wrongs, then that was what I was doing.

"Alissa," he spoke slowly, every letter uttered with highest caution, and for every syllable, shivers made its way over my whole body. I had never loved the sound of my name more than on the lips of Sirius Black. He stepped down from his position and took the last step that kept us from touching, and his cold hand made its way up my jaw and into the back of my hair.

My breathing stopped as he tilted his head downwards, his lips dangerously close to touch mine before he let them caress my cheek, every millimetre he touched was lightened up and I fought a moan from slipping into his ear. His hand grabbed my hair and as his lips reached my earlobe, I was seconds away from losing my senses and as he whispered the words into my ear I knew I had put myself in another hopeless and doomed position.

"Alissa, please, don't tell me you've fallen in love with me?" he whispered as his lips touched my skin, and it was probably a good thing that he was holding on to me, otherwise I might have fallen straight to the ground, "Please, don't be in love with me. Because that is something I can't reciprocate."

And I could barely hear myself say it, but as his lips left my ear I watched him straight in the eyes, my hand grabbing the collar of his jacket as I leaned in closer, "Of course not, Black. Of course I am not in love with you."


End file.
